Would you believe this letter from a narc dm?

[TeatimeTolly]

Received from my narc dm I cut off years ago:

Dear Tolly

It is now several years since things finally came apart between us and there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about you.
I can't undo what has gone, but I am really sorry. I love you and miss you dearly and would give anything to have you back in my life.
I continue to hope that one day you may feel able to get in touch so that we might be able to try and build bridges.
Love as always
dm

What do you think? Is she really able to listen & look at herself now? Would I be making the biggest mistake of my life? I've not missed the time slip by but I would like some answers.

I had similar.
Binned it.

I recently had contact with dm after 7 years nc after getting something similar. It didn't end well and am back to nc. She hadn't changed one bit. However it did make me feel more reassured that I have and had done the right thing and I have never been happier about my decision. It was like final closure for me. The original time we went nc I really did suffer with my mental health for a while and was always wondering if it was me. Good luck x

I would be wary. It depends on how strong you are emotionally. I was NC with my DM and in my experience she would reach out every so often in response to something happening in her life, such as she has fallen out with someone so wanted to get back in touch to prove she was a really great person. Do you have any siblings or extended family you could talk to so that you can try and understand why she has written to you? I would take things slowly and give yourself lots of thinking time.

I've been through this, but with my abusive F. Looking at it now, he was a definite narc and subjected my DM to years of EA and paranoia. (He constantly accused her of being unfaithful to him.) He was tyrannical in our earlier years, bullied her into us all going to Saudi Arabia for a year, when she was a young mum with 3 DC of 5 and under. Then he insisted on getting a dog when she had made it clear that she didn't want one. (She's since told me that she cried about this whilst he was getting this dog.) Naturally, she was the one who looked after the said dog.

He physically abused my siblings and me, he smacked us really hard regularly. (DSis and I suffered SA from an early age, too.)

Despite this, he was able to play the martyr because of his wartime experiences. (He was Czech and had lived under occupation.) Then latterly because he had Parkinson's Disease. I understand now that he was simply a narc who happened to have Parkinson's Disease.

I remember watching him when he was dying in hospital, back in 1998, and willing him to die. It screwed me up afterwards, and I really grieved for him, but now I think it was as much guilt as anything else.

Now I'm grateful that he's dead, I have been since the scales cams off my eyes and the memories which had been repressed for years came back.

My relationship with my DM is also tricky, as she is controlling, but I've learnt how to stay fairly low contact with her, and she's not too bad in small doses. I also know now that she was a victim too.

So I would be very wary about responding to this letter, OP. Your mum hasn't actually accepted any responsibility for your actions, she's put the blame on both sides, which suggests this is just a way of reeling you back in.

I would suggest sharing this on the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board.

Agreed stillme that some daughters/sons can be just as self-absorbed and selfish as some mothers.

I think it's getting better though in some ways. As a broad generalization, previous generations as a rule had it much harder - no free healthcare system, not as developed healthcare generally, a profound legacy that women were lesser than men, and far less emotional intelligence - and it did a shitload of damage. A lot of women (and men) internalized it and many, many women couldn't ask for their needs legitimately. You can't live like that without paying a high price and I think it came out in desperation and a lot of damage sliding down to the next generation.

Women have voices now, thank God, and so it's overall getting better. Course, you also have the over-indulged children who grow up Me Me Me but that's a different issue =)

Sea eagle. I am fairly sure I did over indulge my DD. I was trying to be 2 parents at once. Their own choices in life make me wonder. Surely being a single parent showed a woman can do whatever she wants. They chose partners who do less than them. It irritates me how they kowtow to the partners. I cant change their views I just dont have to be around to watch it or be expected to act in the same way as them. It could be the partners forcing the situation or it could be the idea that any man is better than no man. I just dont want them thinking I am going to comply with the demands with no reciprocal kindness.

I get letters like this occasionally from my mother. I bin them because sadly from experience I have leaned that her narcissism will never cease. I now consider it untreatable and chronic. Letting her back in only leads to more temporary heart ache so no contact is the only route for me.

As always we have the narc mum sympathisers on the thread.

Yes, I'm sure they had it tough in some ways. That is not an excuse to make their daughters feel like shite all their lives. You obviously have no idea of the level of emotional damage that comes from having a narc mum. It does NOT make us indulged or spoilt to want a mum that is supportive and loves us unconditionally. We didn't get that, will never get that and it's bloody hurtful to say our mums probably tried their best. They did not.

OP. Be wary. She wants something you have. It's unlikely that that thing is a genuine two sided relationship with you, sadly.

She would give anything.
So full commitment to and wholehearted participation in a joint therapy course to understand, acknowledge and address past toxic behaviours and learn new healthy behaviours?

Chances are that she wouldn't. But what would it be like if she agreed? And stuck to it?

Why now? What has changed in your life that she wants in on?
Do you have a new home, job, partner or have you started a family?

Something has triggered this non-apology, & when you realise what it is, you'll have your answer.

As always we have the narc mum sympathisers on the thread

Do you mean me?

Because if you do I havemuch too good and idea of the idea that narc mothers and fathers do.

But I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking that only mothers can be selfish, self-centred and occasionally medically diagnosable narcissists. Non- mothers can act like that too.

gah. I meant "much too good an idea of the damage that narc mothers and fathers do"

SeaEagle, I was not specifically referring to you, no.

My advice would really depend on the extent of her behaviour.

She’s not likely to look at herself, but no-one on this thread can tell you whether she will listen or not. If you want answers, ask. You’ll see soon enough if they’re forthcoming.

alright. Maybe I was being oversensitive. I really really don't want to be like my bio. mother - the thought of turning into her is a genuine horror and the stuff of decades of nightmares.

I do want to try to be balanced though and I have met some daughters who are pretty awful too.

I absolutely understand the terror at the thought of any behaviour being similar to that which my mother might display in pretty much any given situation. I understand it's a very real fear for lots of daughters who have grown up with these mothers.

Yes, of course we're bound to meet awful selfish people in all walks of life. However I definitely envy people who don't have to deal with that from their mother or another close family member.

I suspect that stillme has to cope with 'another close family member' sort of situation .... you do hear of how some small children just seem to be born extreme. It must be heartbreaking to have a child like that.

I saw the comment about it being potentially dictated, I think there’s something in that actually

My M is - apparently- “devastated” that we’re NC.

Not devastated enough to acknowledge that moving hundreds of miles away without telling you where to etc might upset me a tad? Not devastated enough apologise for terrorising my dc by barging into my home and then refusing to leave?

I know she’s bound to be all weepy and woe is me about the fact that I won’t have her in my life anymore, I know all the utter BS she’s spouted over the years to make herself look the opposite of what she really is.... and the sad thing is that people fall for it :( she gets the awww there there and I get thought of as the unreasonable one. That REALLY hurts. It’s so lonely.

Sorry, this isn’t about me, but I think that she’s cried her crocodile tears, someone’s said about writing a letter, and this is yet another way of setting you up to be the unreasonable one.

As in ^that poor mother, wrote her dd a letter and still no reply”

I’m sorry, I know how much this stuff hurts, any contact with her will cut like a knife, every time. (((Hugs)))

SeaEagle you have got it right about me. I would never dare to say on here what is happening as I suspect that I would be shot down in flames. It is good to know that you have seen that something is going badly for me.

Your call op, what does your gut say? Do you need closure or have you got it? How will you feel if she dies? Do you need one last try?
She could ask relate for family counselling if you want to pursue it. Look after yourself. Dangerous times