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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My grandson telling me about my son and his shouting...

48 replies

CarpeVitam · 09/08/2018 04:16

I've phrased it this way because those are the words my grandson used

We are staying with my son for a few weeks and in a 10 day time frame my 4 year old grandson has said a few times (whilst in our care) that daddy "shouts at mummy a lot and makes her cry and mummy hasn't done anything"

I'm so conflicted as to how to deal with this. Do/say nothing to my son?

Tell him what his son has said and express my concerns? I just feel that for my grandson to be talking about this (obviously unprompted) it is something that is troubling him?

I'm so struggling with how to approach this with my son, if at all! He has a temper and may well tell me to not interfere but my instincts tell me I need to talk to him about this.

Any advise Mumsnetters?

Apologies ignorance don't reply immediately, it's late...

OP posts:
Original poster
CarpeVitam · 09/08/2018 04:18

Last paragraph is meant to say: apologies if I don't reply immediately.. it's late here.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 09/08/2018 04:20

I'd be tempted to ask DiL if possible in a delicate way.

Not sure what I'd do to act on any info though. Take dil lead if necessary.

user1486956786 · 09/08/2018 04:25

Are you close with your daughter in law? Perhaps have a chat with her and let her know you are concerned for her & grandson (not being defensive mum to your son).

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2018 04:51

Speak to your DiL. Let her know what your DGS said to you and simply tell her that you are there and willing to help if she needs you. Let DiL lead from there. She may unburden herself, she may deny or say DGS has 'misunderstood'. If so, just nod and say "OK, well, my offer stands if you ever need anything" and change the subject.

Don't speak to your son. If is he abusive, he may turn his anger on his son for speaking to you or on your DiL just because. Abusive men don't really need a reason. But DO keep your eyes and ears open.

thebewilderness · 09/08/2018 04:54

Tell your son that his verbal abuse of his child's mother is traumatizing the child and he needs to get counseling to learn how to stop it right now.

Cupoteap · 09/08/2018 05:57

Please listen to him. He is reaching out for help.

My dd said similar to my mum and I lied when she asked me about it.

My mum still feels guilty that she didn't do more for my dd and that she hadn't realised exactly what was going on.

Nquartz · 09/08/2018 06:03

acrossthepond has good advice.

Please don't ignore this

GeorgeIII · 09/08/2018 06:15

Poor little lad - to mention it several times something is wrong. I doubt the DGS would realise you are the DFs mother, more that you are a trusted adult who might help. I think I would speak to DDIL first.

WesternMeadowlark · 09/08/2018 06:22

I also agree with AcrossthePond55.

I don't think there's any way of approaching this with your son that wouldn't place your daughter-in-law and grandson at increased risk.

Maybe add a bit of reassurance about how much you care about her and your grandson, and would want to do the right thing by them, to try to calm fears she may have about you siding with your son regardless of how he's behaved.

You could also tell her that the reason you're not challenging him on it is that you wouldn't want to risk him taking it out on them, though that would be harder to back away from if she passed it on to him.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/08/2018 14:12

You could also tell her that the reason you're not challenging him on it is that you wouldn't want to risk him taking it out on them, though that would be harder to back away from if she passed it on to him

That's true, Western. But if DiL does pass it on to him that is her decision. But I'll tell you this, if it were my DiL and my son were to call me about what I said to her, all hell would rain down on him at that point unless he could convince me it wasn't true.

dreaming174 · 09/08/2018 14:25

You're asking mumsnet and we're always going to see things from the females pov. And so should you. If your GS is saying this then clearly it's an ongoing issue. It's unusual for children to bring things up so frequently without issue.

You need to bring it up with your DIL. She is the one who is alone in this.

Original poster
CarpeVitam · 09/08/2018 14:29

Thank you all for the responses; they are very much appreciated and have definitely given me food for thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarpeVitam · 09/08/2018 15:29

I've spoken to my DH (sons stepdad) and he's in agreement that I need to speak to my DIL

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2018 16:14

I was just going to say I agree with the approach of discreetly and gently asking your DIL when your DS isn't around. Take some tissues with you. Good luck, it's great that your grandson feels able to tell you this. (Obv not great that's happening but you know what I mean).

trojanpony · 09/08/2018 16:50

It’s good you believe your grandson

When you speak with your DIL I would present it more as “I know he shouts...” rather than “is he shouting/unkind” she is more likely to open up.

Think carefully about timing and location I’d ensure you do it away from the house in a place where there is no way your son can hear her. Ie you go shopping with her and son grandson and your husband are out in the park / at the cinema / whatever.

cameltoeflappyflapflap · 09/08/2018 17:48

I would be speaking to my son about it. I would probably give him a bollocking but that's just me.

Original poster
CarpeVitam · 09/08/2018 18:59

I will have an opportunity to speak to my DIL alone sometime tomorrow. Thanks again for the input x

OP posts:
trojanpony · 09/08/2018 20:53

Good luck - you sound like a lovely mother in law
I know it must be very disorienting to think you raised a child who capable of domestic/verbal abuse but it is great you are supporting her and your grandchild

MistressDeeCee · 10/08/2018 04:01

Tell your son that his verbal abuse of his child's mother is traumatizing the child and he needs to get counseling to learn how to stop it right now

100% agree. No pussyfooting around. Your little grandson is telling you because he wants your help. What a brave and astute little boy he is. Do the right thing by him...his dad's not.

DIL opening up to you - if she does - is a good thing. What are you going to do or say if the info she gives you worries you?

I'd be so upset and disappointed with my son there's no way I couldn't speak directly to him about it tho. Especially if his own child had approached me.

ohfourfoxache · 10/08/2018 08:48

Carpe you sound like an absolutely brilliant MIL. I know it’s difficult, but you’re doing what’s right rather than blindly supporting your DS.

Has DIL got any local support in place for when you leave?

chestylarue52 · 10/08/2018 09:16

Would you consider phoning NSPCC or Women’s Aid? We’re all well meaning but not professionals.

lifebegins50 · 10/08/2018 09:28

Heart breaking to hear this.

Did your son grow up with an abusive father? No blame meant towards you just interested in how he developed this.

Hissy · 10/08/2018 14:28

Bless the little chap!

My own DS asked me why Daddy had left and wasn't coming back (aged 5) and when I started to answer he went on and said 'was it because daddy shouted at mummy so much'

My ex was (and still prob is) abusive, he is committed to sucking the joy and happiness from anything he can. even his own son's birthday excitement.

ONE of the reasons I knew the ex had to go was that I loved my son so much, i never wanted him to grow up thinking that was how a relationship should be. I also said to myself that if my DS grew up to abuse like his dad did, I'd wring his neck myself.

My whole family was a key part in my abuse, they dropped me right in it, made things very difficult and hindered me getting free of this abuser. I have no relationship with them now, neither does my child, i have him to keep safe from people like his dad, people like my family.

You sound like the very person your DIL needs, someone to help and support her with her child. If your son doesn't sort himself out NOW, then you will have to ditch him, reject him completely, your DIL and her child need to be free of him.

Can they come and live with/near you?

Pinotwoman82 · 10/08/2018 22:46

Were you able to speak to your DIL?

Original poster
CarpeVitam · 11/08/2018 02:35

Sorry I haven't updated today, it's been a 'full on' day with the grandchildren and haven't really had any time to myself!

Yes, I have spoken to both my son and my DIL and I will update properly tomorrow

Thanks again for the kind words and to those of you saying I'm a lovely MIL, bless you! X

OP posts:
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