Ex sent a letter

[rockstarchick]

Please advise me

I was with my ex for 4 years
He had anger management and we split quite a few times
We couldn't last a month without arguing

He promised he would go to counselling but never stuck to it
He was ' always better ' after 2 sessions

He's in debt, he used to keep secrets about money and as a result I helped him out so he owes me about 2k which I need back
He's been paying the minimum payments

Anyway 3 months later, it's been rocky - contact on and off as I miss him as I feel broken but have had to block him the last few weeks as I can't keep getting hurt by him

Today he has sent a letter
He's never written to me
He's sorry, he misses me, saying how I'm a lovely person and mum and he made a mistake
He has put a prepaid card inside where he told me I can draw out money for food ( he's knows I'm struggling financially)
And has upped his minimum payment to my cards which he has stated too

It's a lengthy letter but no questions just statements

It's made me sad but my guy feeling is that I've come this far, trying to re build my life and now he sends me a letter I'm supposed to what get back in contact ?

Help

I'd send the card back. Ask him to set up a SO for the increased amount. Don't get sucked back in, he's manipulating you and exploiting the fact that he can justify contact because of the debt he owes you.

Tell him you’ve received his letter, and leave it at that. You don’t have to do anything more. Follow your gut instinct.

I would think he does have a problem with anger, your anger when you have called him out on his unreasonable and abusive behaviours.
I would also think that he can and does behave quite well to others in the outside world so it could be argued that he does not have an anger management problem at all. AM courses anyway are no answer for domestic violence and this person thought himself cured after a mere two sessions of counselling. He like practically all abusive men will never take any responsibility for their own actions.

Do not respond to this letter at all. He is simply trying to draw you back in by supposedly being nice to you. You've already blocked him by other means so he now writes.

I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid if you have not already done so as this could help you no end.

He is an ex for good reason. Men like this too can take time, years even to recover from and your own recovery from this will only properly start when you are completely free of him.

Gazelda he already has set it up so I'm not sure what this ' new way' of doing it as he said had to be justified in a letter ?
I think because he has a new job as he also mentioned ' if I get a bonus from my new job' as he was looking for a long time for a decent job and now it's appears he's sorting himself out ( which I am happy for him )

My gut says to ignore him
I think he wants me to react but he's the person who put me here

Just didn't know if I was being unreasonable

Don´t do anything. He's still the guy who you argued with so badly he needed anger management therapy. Maybe he is working at becoming a better person and that is great for him, and for you if you end up getting your money back, but he still isn´t a good man to be in a relationship with and you should keep moving on from it.

Attila you are spot on

And I've played it down in my post
He really was quite nasty to me
He used to shout and scream in my face that I'm a cunt, he was sulk for days and ignore me, never was he wrong, there wasn't any communication and he wore me down and broke me as a person
I am honestly still recovering now
I was a nervous wreck and I'm only just starting to feel better and I still have my moments

So the question is do I take the pre paid card with the £40 he is putting on it weekly?
Or do i send it back ?
Or do I draw it monthly and put it straight on the credit card is where his debt is?
I'm so confused
I think he is manipulating me into taking the money weekly so he has this hold
I don't want to refuse money when he owes me money
So I don't know what's best

X

Why can’t he set up a SO? Is he trying to avoid payments showing up on his statements? It sounds a bit odd.

I wouldn’t accept the card but insist on a SO.

Sorry if I missed it but is he birth father to your DC? You could feasibly take the prepaid card up till you've spent the value of the money he owes you and leave it at that. If he hasn't asked you questions, you've no need to reply.

However, it would be totally understandable equally if you wanted to reject the money, in that case just return it with a short note (so it doesn't look like you're being petty and just sending it back) saying thank you for the offer, you don't need it but you hope he is doing well.

Sounds like difficult situation but you sound very strong, well done for coming so far; don't let him pull you back.

I would be very surprised if the increased payments continue if you ignore his letter.

Put the £40 a week towards the debt.

Use the card for the debt repayments and food for his child. Don’t take him back. Ignore the letter. Enjoy your freedom.

Offering money for food, rather than just paying off his debt comes across like he wants to think of himself ‘supporting’ you financially, as a partner would do. So I can see why you’re not happy about it.

I would presume he will cancel the prepaid card when you don't respond because this seems like a tactic to weedle his way back in.
I would draw the money weekly (could be quickly cancelled so waiting monthly is risky) and put it towards his cc debt if you can. If you have to use it for food that is your choice but remember you will have to take the hit on the interest from cc debt. Keep a written record of what you use and write if off against his debt.
This is money he OWES you, so don't be suckered into thinking it's a kind gesture on top of his SO.
Remain NC and keep a record. You don't have to have any contact to use card so weekly or monthly makes no difference.
Stay strong, stay free.

Thank you, it's making me think more clear

No he isn't her father
My lo is 7 we were together 4 yrs

Miracaously she has been ok and seems very happy thank god

He has set up a SO he just said he would up the payments

And he's spot on polka
Took the words out my mouth
It does seem wrong taking it for food
I shall use it for HIS debt and work out what he has to pay and when that ends

But I also agree....the money will stop
If it does it does

It's definitely to try and pull on my heart strings x

It's hard I don't feel strong
I just know it's right thing to do

I deserve way better than his treatment
Maybe has has changed
Maybe he will be the changed man
But I'm not willing to risk finding out if he hasn't xx

Of course he hasn’t changed!

And even if he has —he hasn’t— you don’t owe him a relationship.

If it's a monza card he will be notified every time you use it. How much and where. And when. I don't know about other prepaid. So if you do take the money,don't use that card to spend it.

Ignore him.

This relationship has been very toxic for you. Please do not get sucked back in.

I 100% won't be sucked back in
Not this time

I'm just unclear about the pre paid card

Thing is when we split and I said about the money he was turning up at my house with cash and I told him not to and to set up a so so why he's now done the pre paid card I don't know

It's a pockit MasterCard
Bright yellow

He's put the pin is my little girls birthday - idiot

Just leave me alone and pay back what you owe

If he really cared he would pay it all off and not do monthly payments
He doesn't have it but he should try
X

As it is less than £5000 you can use the letter that he acknowledges the debt in a small claims court,if he specifies the amount. If not email back with a schedule that it will take x months at £40, asking him to respond if he disagrees. You will then have proof to take him to small claims if he stops paying. And don't pay using the card-transfer it to your own account.

Good point, good idea xx

Update

So a few days later, I got a withheld call last night. Ignored it
Today got another one so answered it and it was him ( can still call on withheld even know I've blocked him) he was asking if I have met someone, was I having a good week, told him to stop contacting me to leave me alone so he said fine
Then I got emails today saying can he come over for a curry tonight ?!
Wtf...I mean in the past he would say sorry, come over and he thinks he could make it better with wine and a takeaway
Strange how he thinks I would let him now

I've spent the day feeling drained, stressed and I've not enjoyed my day today
I was out shopping with my aunty and I just wanted to not have him emailing me
I know I shouldn't have replied but I just don't think he is going to give up
I thought the no contact was working until this letter appeared
The letter didn't so he then calls

Feel a bit sad and although I know I'm not going to go back I feel a bit like all the time we speak I won't move on x

You're probably right. If you let him keep getting in your head it will take longer. Personally I think you're better off not accepting the money and being able to shut the door on him, but I'm not in your shoes.

Tell him you wish him well but don't want any more contact. Then block him. If he contacts you some other way (withheld etc) just put the phone down. Don't let him have your time or attention anymore. It is sad, it will hurt, but you sound like you're on the road to a better place. Be strong.x

Oh hun, he's going to use him owing you money as a hold over you for however long it takes.
He has absolutely no respect for your boundaries. He is an abuser pure and simple.

You need to block contact with him on all forms of communication. Can you get a family member to deal with the money issue? So you don't have any contact with him?

I had a bad situation where I needed to totally cut contact with someone and I just ignored all withheld numbers. Legitimate callers with withheld numbers (work, doctors appointments etc) will leave a voicemail and you can get back to them later. Answering the phone to someone toxic can really mess your head up.