Ducks in a row - what do I need?

[Roomofmyown]

Been married 20 years. 4 children. I believe that DH is financially abusive and controlling and I need things to change. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor for next week and I just wondered what ducks I need to get in a row? Do you think things would change if I gave him an ultimatum - either stop behaving like this or I will file for divorce? I don't really want to LTB but I can't stand living with panic attacks because I can't pay the bills. Thank you.

You don't give much detail, do yiu,? Is he in a well paid job? Are you working? Why are the bills in your name if he's the high earner?

If he is abusive, an ultimatum probably won't work no. Have you read about boundaries? There's a big difference between an ultimatum and setting and enforcing boundary. With an ultimatum you are expecting him to change and if he's abusive, that is highly unlikely.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Sorry posted in a real rush while trying to get children out the door! Will be back shortly to explain a bit more. Just I only have today to get any documents together

Get all important docs together.
Passports - yours and kids
Marriage cert - you will need this for divorce
Mortgage info
Wage slips of his if you have them or something showing his earnings, including bonuses
Bank statements
Account details including any savings
Birth certificates
Pensions info
Asset info - cars, other properties, ISA's, Premium bonds, etc....
Bill info - anything you can find on electric, Sky, gas, water, council tax, phones, etc....

Also try to have a chat with Womens Aid. Their phone number should not appear on your bill.
0808 2000 247 or google to find your local WA
They can help you with this as well.

What do you want ? Do you want to get out ? Or just be more in control ?

An ultimatum won't work on somebody who is abusing you. It's deliberate, chosen behaviour that gives them what they want. They won't change, because they don't want to change. But tipping your hand like that could potentially put you in a dangerous position if he realises he's about to lose control of you.

Take all the suggested paperwork that you can safely get hold of. Get the solicitor to copy it and give it back so you can put it away and they don't need to ask again. Keep hold of or keep safe/close the paperwork you will need to grab and take with you if you leave in a hurry.

If you can, call WA. They can help you figure out the best way to go forward.

Thank you for the list, that's brilliant. I don't have access to his bank account or all savings/pension info but I will get what I can.

Bit of background. When we got together we were both in well paid jobs. I took a break after we had two children and then we had two more and I didn't go back to my corporate career - thought this was joint decision and all happy. I continued to work freelance/part time where possible but obviously money has been tight. We always had our own accounts and then a joint one for bills which I managed. The problem is that during the times I wasn't working there was no extra money going into the joint account. My husband puts in about a third of his take home pay. I put in 100% of mine (I have two jobs) and it isn't enough. It doesn't even cover the basics. My credit card is maxed out and I have used all the savings. I have repeatedly asked for more (humiliating) and I have asked him to pay wages into joint account and then take out some spending money if he wants to. He won't discuss it. I have presented spreadsheets and budgets and they are just put the bin. I am constantly stressed and trying to juggle which bills get paid.

I want to fix my family and for us to work as a team and have holidays and do all the normal stuff families do. Not be in this situation. I am petrified. My wages wouldn't even cover renting somewhere for me and the children.

Sorry you are going through this
Unfortunately you’ve done all you can to bring about some normality by talking to him, presenting spreadsheets etc.
Because he is abusive he won’t change. He knows exactly what he’s doing ... getting you to pay for everything while saving his for himself.
He knows it’s causing you stress but he doesn’t care. He probably thinks if he wears you down enough you’ll keep this up as you’ll have no energy or time to put up a fight.
The only way to bring about change is to divorce him.
Contact Women’s Aid for help.They are brilliant.
Why do you only have today to gather documents ?
Don’t let on to him what you’re doing as you could put yourself in danger.
You also need legal advice.

You say you’re maxed on your credit card. If you divorce and the spending on cc is for household stuff including bills then I think he’s liable for at least half. Get it itemised to show where the money has been spent.

Thank you so much. I will also read up about boundaries (I know I let everyone trample over them - not sure I even have any any more!) and contact women's aid. H is away today so I have a little time to look for documents after work. Otherwise I don't have any time alone in the house before I see the solicitor. I think I am also going to start selling stuff so I can try and build up some extra funds. I set up my own bank account last year but haven't been able to save as it all goes on bills and children. FFS why is he being like this? Saw the GP last week and she wondered if online gambling or something?

(The bank closed my old account because not enough going into it each month so didn't have own account for a few years).

It could be online gambling, or drugs? Coke's very expensive (or so I hear!) The money's going somewhere it shouldn't.

its likely he has hidden assets.
Forensic accountants can do a search for it but getting legal advice is priority just now. Women’s Aid can help you find a lawyer who is savvy on abuse.
Also, the fact you went to your GP is good as you have logged the abuse ( evidence)
Keep any related texts / emails from him too

Or he could just like keeping you feeling absolutely dependent on him. As you're married he will have to share they money from his 'savings' on divorce so you could present him with that argument and tell him it's non-negotiable. He either pays his whole wages into the joint account and you share everything 50/50 or you are going to Divorce him and the court will take his money anyway. But you have to ask yourself do you still want to be with a financially abusive person anyway. If the answer is no then there's little point in prolonging the agony and you may as well just get on with the divorce.

It's not easy but you do work, you will be entitled to various tax credits and other benefits like council tax reductions and child benefit (if his earnings have previously reduced/stopped that). Probably worth you finding out hat help you are entitled to.

Re getting your ducks in a row, try and take copies of any bank statements/pension letters you can find even just make a note of account/policy numbers if you have any letters with those details. If you have no money I would suggest you immediately put your wages into your own account and leave the joint account for him to sort out and pay the bills, so you have some money for essentials like food if he ramps things up when you start divorce proceedings.

Once you leave (if you do) you won't just be living on your wage, you will most likely get top up benefits, and eventually half the marital assets and maintenance from him (CMS might take a while to get it if he's uncooperative, but can take it straight from his wage if they need to)

If you have a chance put your details, as they would be if you left, into a benefit calculator like this one www.turn2us.org.uk/ and that will tell you the minimum you well have to live on, even if he dose manage to screw you out of the other money. It won't be lodes but you should at least be able to pay bills, so better then where you are now.

What is the house situation?
Mortgaged?
Don't forget WHEN you leave you will have benefits if you are on a low wage.
Also maintenance for the DC.
Do you know how much he earns?
Tonight - look everywhere - there will be something somewhere if he is putting his money somewhere else.

Thank you all. I will have a good look. We don't have a huge mortgage thank goodness but not sure the house is worth a lot.

I know how much he earns and what his take home pay is which is why I can't work out why he would only put one third into the joint account and keep telling me there is no more money!

Have you asked him where the remaining earnings are ?
Remind him you are capable of doing some maths ?!
Or would he get abusive if you confront him about this ?

I have asked him previously but he refuses to talk about it. I find him very intimidating and difficult to talk to (he will sit with his arms folded looking away from me - or refuse to put his phone down Or just stare at me.) Last time I had to ask for money he paid up but sulked for 3 days. I end up having panic attacks and turning all that fear and anxiety inwards. It isn't all bad, of course it isn't. And I am not so perfect. Anyway, must get on otherwise will miss the opportunity to get paperwork sorted.

Thank you so much forever for the link to turn2us. It would be less than he pays into the account now but if I work out CM as well then I should be slightly better off or at least no worse off anyway! That's so reassuring

Hey OP - I hope you managed to gather some documents together last night.
How are you feeling about it all today?

Thanks hells I managed to get some stuff up together and I should be able to find policy numbers for pensions etc even if I can't find the documents. I feel very shaky and quite sick really. Still not sure whether I actually want to get divorced but I can't live like this either. I think speaking to the solicitor will really help to clarify things. Thank you for all your support everyone.

Where does the rest of his wages go?

Is there any evidence of anything he is buying for himself or history of gambling/drug usage?

If not, does he spend a lot of time away from home? Is it possible he has another family?

Good luck with the meeting, I think you're doing the right thing talking this through with a solicitor and clearly it's causing you great stress, it's good you're getting help from the the GP too.

Thanks Bethy he doesn't appear to be doing anything with it. No new clothes, trips away (other than with work) nothing. Just keeps saying there is no more money and if I want more I need to earn more . Feeling a bit better today - good to be doing something and getting information together - feels like I may have choices now rather than being completely stuck.