Ducks in a row - what do I need?

[Roomofmyown]

Been married 20 years. 4 children. I believe that DH is financially abusive and controlling and I need things to change. I have booked an appointment with a solicitor for next week and I just wondered what ducks I need to get in a row? Do you think things would change if I gave him an ultimatum - either stop behaving like this or I will file for divorce? I don't really want to LTB but I can't stand living with panic attacks because I can't pay the bills. Thank you.

Fucking hell what a bastard.

Just wanted to offer some support.

be could be really rubbish with money and got himself in a muddle the secrecy would suggest this is the case. I would say what you say said here. H you earn xxxx. You contribute xxxx to the house I earn xxxx and contribute xxxx our bills are xxxxx. I am very unhappy with the situation of secrecy and no team effort in sorting this out and unless we can work out a way forward we will have to split our assets legally. I would brace yourself for some depressing news regarding his finances 🙁

I'm so pleased you feel better and you're proactive and clearly you've got your choices lined up for you.

How often is he away with work and for how long?

It just seems strange he would withhold such a percentage of his wages, I'm sorry to say my mind just leapt to another family he has to support, because otherwise why is he keeping so much.

Otherwise, I would look at his browsing history to see if he's gambling, or look for any signs of drug use. He must be doing something with it.

You're so clever though, you clearly run a well organised house with your finances, it's great as if he's putting it away so you can't touch it, you clearly have proof of what he's putting into the house and what percentage it is of his wages, so lawyers will at least know there's somewhere to start looking.

I wish you so much luck with everything. I know you'll be fine.

that made me smile Atalune!

It's so hard to talk about IRL isn't it. So much shame. We are supposed to be a 'nice Middle Class family' but it's all built on sand. I've told so many lies about why I can't come along to things with my friends. I do worry that there are no hidden savings, just debts and we are in trouble. but if he can't/won't talk about it then how can we fix it?

Not sure I am very clever really but thank you I really regret letting myself become financially dependent on someone else but this is where we are. I feel much more positive that whatever happens I will deal with it and I will build a good life for my children with or without him.

I'm sure your children will be fine. They have you, and you clearly have their best interests at heart.

You probably don't realise this, but the way you are dealing with this head on and being proactive is very inspiring.

Thank you that is really kind. And thank you to Julie for the suggested wording. I really like your straightforward, logical approach.

To answer a couple of PPs, I don't think there is another family or OW. I can't see any evidence of that. When he goes away he is usually with male colleagues and always brings back stuff from the conferences etc. I think it is more likely to be gambling or other debts that have escalated.

I will keep digging and keep you posted. Thank you for all your support, kind words and advice. It means a lot.