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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this worth walking away?

28 replies

Willitend12 · 23/05/2018 07:42

Been with partner for 3 years, live apart.

Last night had a very nice date night after lots of ups and downs recently but I had to leave at 9pm.
I said that I hoped we could continue to message the rest if the evening and he said "I don't want to do that!" In quite a nasty way...
I asked why not? Why would he not want to continue to chat as he had no distractions and was just sitting at home on his own..

He shouted "because its boring! There's nothing to say to you"
I walked out at that point. When I got home he had sent a message saying he didn't mean the word "boring but he was clearly backtracking by then.

I was really hurt and offended by this... am i over reacting or is this yet ANOTHER sign that he is just not that in to me anymore?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 23/05/2018 07:45

I can understand him not wanting to be messaging for the rest of the evening... but after 3 years where is the relationship heading?

eightfacesofthemoon · 23/05/2018 07:48

You sound odd for asking him to continue messaging it’s been 3 years?!
He sounds like he genuinely might think it’s boring. Now that could mean he’s not into you, or that the pressure of having to come up with specific chit chat that he’s been asked to text To you is too much..

I would think that it’s utterly mad to continue a conversation in any format if it wasn’t flowing naturally.

At the end of the day, you really like just chit chatting on text and he doesn’t.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/05/2018 07:48

It’s an odd thing for him to start shouting about and saying he has nothing to say to you and finds it boring does indicate that he’s not that into you.

How is your relationship normally?

YoucancallmeVal · 23/05/2018 07:55

He shouldn't have shouted, but if I'd spent an evening with someone who then wanted me to carry on texting them, I would have shouted too. He's right, it is boring.

KirstenRaymonde · 23/05/2018 07:59

I think the ups and downs you mention first are what we need to look at here. Have things generally not been going well? Is there a reason you don’t live together after 3 years?

fuzzywuzzy · 23/05/2018 08:00

I carry on conversations by text after a day/evening together. If my partner is away for the evening/day we text each other till we go to sleep.

Normally he or I will say ‘I’ll text you when I’m indoors’ and we do.

I doht think that’s odd.

Bananacabana · 23/05/2018 08:03

Yeah he shouldn't have shouted but I completely understand not wanting to text the rest of the night. He's spent all evening enjoying your company but texting (for me) is to arrange to meet or supplement not seeing each other (although phone calls are better), not necessarily a continued date. Maybe I'm old fashioned though.

I think if he wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't have chased after you apologising.

Sametimetomorrow · 23/05/2018 08:04

I would hate it if someone said that to me. Pressure to text all evening when you have just seen each other and could watch some tv or read a book. If it just happened naturally when you are all loved up fair enough but to kind of arrange it I would find that an obligation.

Komorebi · 23/05/2018 08:04

Personally, I dislike texting. It's tedious and I'd rather call and talk. What got me is the "There's nothing to say to you".

Sametimetomorrow · 23/05/2018 08:05

Having said that, the way he said there is nothing to say to you is not very respectful towards you.

Original poster

Willitend12 · 23/05/2018 08:10

Ups and downs are mainly him blowing hot and cold.

But the thing is for a good 1.5yrs he would insist on constant texting and be in contact by text, email and message and phone from waking until sleep and that's how our relatiinship has been.
To be told it's boring to talk to you is pretty offensive in my eyes as he could have just said of course we'll keep in contact and kept those thoughts to himself.... or actually want to say a few nice things before bed.
As when HE wants that, it happens

OP posts:

YoucancallmeVal · 23/05/2018 08:10

But if he's not into small talk, what could be say? They'd been together all evening chatting presumably. Unless he was going to text messages of undying love all night, he was unlikely to have urgent matters to discuss.

RaininSummer · 23/05/2018 08:14

Perhaps he just expressed it badly. After spending the evening together he probably didnt have anything to bother texting about. I would probably have said something like that as it just seems really needy and pointless. Far more interesting things to do than sit texting.

Bananacabana · 23/05/2018 08:17

I do think blowing hot and cold is a red flag though.

eightfacesofthemoon · 23/05/2018 08:19

Well from your update I would say that he’s disengaging.
Perhaps he was one of those intense early on people. Not sure you should trust that imo.

It’s been 3 years, you called it a date, which I find a bit odd too. Surely at this stage you’re fully in a relationship. Do you have plans to move in or get married or anything? Or is it just a succession of dates?

swingofthings · 23/05/2018 08:19

Why did you have to go at 9pm? Either it was his way of expressing his frustration as you leaving and ending the face to face or indeed he is growing away from you.

Have you discussed whether either of you would like the relationship to progress to considering moving in together?

Butterymuffin · 23/05/2018 08:23

Whose decision has it been to not live together?

ShatnersWig · 23/05/2018 08:34

How old are you both?

Three years and still not living together?
You "had" to leave at 9 pm but expect him to continue chatting via messenger once you get home? Just bloody stay out longer then go home and sleep.

Ridiculous "relationship".

AlisonCHaynes · 23/05/2018 08:37

Would guess op had no childcare. In the it's place i would be fucked off with her suggestion that I should spend my evening texting drivel because I was only sitting at home. Maybe I have a boxset I want to catch up with, or few hours on the xbox, or am quite happy staring into space.

Pandora79 · 23/05/2018 08:53

Tbf if i was with my partner all evening and they had to go, but wanted me to commit to texting all night I wouldnt be impressed. When home alone I wanted to be able to do what I want. Watch tv, read, chill, have an early night or a late one. Just do what i fancy, as I fancy it.

There would probablh be some texting. But the commiting to texting for the rest of the night, is just odd. Imo.

It does make me wonder if he is blowing hot and cold. Or that you both have different expectations. What would version of your recent issues be?

Branleuse · 23/05/2018 09:05

you know how it made you feel and you know what was meant by it. Listen to your instincts x

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2018 09:11

He blows hot and cold.
He was insulting to you and he shouted.
Quite a few red flags there.
I would imagine there are plenty more.
Time to move and be with someone who want to be with you all the time and doesn't blow hot and cold.
This is going nowhere.

AlisonCHaynes · 23/05/2018 09:22

Christ almighty! Why would you want to be with someone who wants to be with you all of the time. That is so fucking needy.

Gu33s3inpark · 23/05/2018 09:27

Boring and nothing to say - I would never say that to family or friends. If that is what he thinks, then it's time to end the relationship and find someone who cares more.

purplelass · 23/05/2018 10:03

I've been seeing my fella nearly 2 1/2 years (not living together) and if I asked him to keep messaging me after I went home he'd look at me like I was nuts!

If we have anything to say, or photos to share then we'll message each other. If not then we can go days without being in touch.

I'd say you're being a bit needy here, sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

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