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Original poster

Ghosting, is it mainly men who do it? Have you done it and why?

32 replies

Ridiculouslyso · 25/04/2018 09:44

Seems to be such common, almost "acceptable" behaviour these days especially with OLD. Do women ghost as much as men, or are we more frequently the ghostees left wondering why?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 25/04/2018 10:46

I've ghosted people; block and delete used to be my favourite three words before I met my bf.
Often the guy had been a bit rude or weird or I just took against them for some reason.

SoapOnARoap · 25/04/2018 10:54

Probably 50/50 from friends experiences

Ohyesiam · 25/04/2018 10:59

I imagine people do it because it’s eadier than having the conversation.
Seems rude to me.

NameChangeBiatch · 25/04/2018 11:00

From what I've seen and heard I'd say it's equal.

Original poster
Ridiculouslyso · 25/04/2018 11:00

It does seem like the easy option, but I must admit I'd probably do it to a weirdo.

OP posts:
QueenofSerene · 25/04/2018 11:03

I think it’s probably a 50/50 split. I’d seen someone maybe twice from tinder before I met my now husband and once I met my husband I just cut contact with the other guy. He’d spent our time together waxing lyrical about whether he even wanted a “relationship” so I felt our limited time together was just about sex and didn’t see there was any reason for me to officially “break” up with him. He oddly seemed to feel otherwise and took to calling me from other phones so I would talk to him and give him an explanation, it was awkward.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 25/04/2018 11:33

It's the coward's way out.
I had it done to me more than 20 years ago, although I don't think there was a name for it then.
My partner in my university town met someone else (I later found out) while I was hope on summer break, and just stopped accepting my calls.
This was before whatsapp and facebook and stuff, so it was landline calls.
Very annoying, it took me weeks to cotton on.

Chocolate123 · 25/04/2018 12:37

Personally I think it's a cowards way out. I have dates and have been honest if I didn't want to see again. I've been ghosted it's not nice and I've wasted more time wondering why.

Voci · 25/04/2018 13:05

It’s quite straightforward I think. People tend to avoid negative emotions; you can also see this when you’re going through a rough patch in life and suddenly you have less “friends”, because you’re simply less fun to be around.

Ghosting offers an easy way out, a way to avoid too much negative emotions. On top of that, there’s a social consensus that if someone keeps ignoring you it usually means no.

I believe it’s sometimes for the best. Do you honestly want to hear that the reason the relationship ended is because you have [insert reason] (e.g. : ugly feet, you’re not ambitious enough, you gained weight, shrieking voice … ) ? It’s not much worse than a pro forma faux conversation; “it’s not you, it’s me” …

You can hardly take someone to court if you think the reason is insufficient/wrong.

Sometimes it’s for (perceived) safety reasons.

I haven’t done it myself, but I can understand people who do.

lubeybooby · 25/04/2018 13:14

I have ghosted a guy who I had a nice time with at first but then I realised our politics wildly didn't match and it had no future. It seems obvious and easy now with hindsight the conversation that should have been had but I was in a crappy mental place at the time and just couldn't think how to broach the subject

ALittleBitConfused1 · 25/04/2018 13:21

I suppose I've ghosted people while old. You talk and meet and maybe talk about another date but when you really think about it youre just not feeling it.
No specific reason, no big drama you just decide you don't want to meet again.
In this situation I would just stop responding, I don't see the point of a long drawn out conversation about it and I don't think I really owe anyone an explanation as to how I feel unless I am in an emotionally involved relationship.
I'm the other hand I've been ghosted in this situation too and after one underpinned to message I just assume they aren't interested so I delete the number and move on. I wouldn't expect an explanation from someone after only a few meet ups/short time of dating.

expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 13:23

It definitely has its place when you realise you're dealing with a total weirdo.

southeastdweller · 25/04/2018 13:23

More women than men do it because men don’t invest as much in their relationships as women.

Generally speaking I agree it’s the cowards way out and the people who’ve ghosted me are pretty emotionally immature characters. If I have a problem with someone I talk to them face-to-face if I can.

MaudlinMews · 25/04/2018 14:00

I've never ghosted anyone no.

I can see how tempting it is though as I've had some pretty traumatic situations when I've broken up with people in the past (ranging from a couple of months to a few years). I've had men burst into tears, get angry and in one case violent and verbally abusive. I can see why people would want to avoid an upsetting / dangerous situation. It's cowardly though.

I have done the slow fade a time or two when I've discovered something unpleasant about someone but don't want to hurt their feelings. Only if I'd been seeing them for a short time though, I'd never do that with someone I'd been seeing for several months or more.

I've had it done to me several times though, mainly at the six month point in long distance relationships. This has happened three times and each time I found out that the man was actually married or cohabiting with someone. All three said that they were separated/divorced/single.

I was seeing someone from Croyden in 2008 who I met while I was out with friends locally. He was with six or so work colleagues. Told me his divorced was going through. Took me to Prague and Amsterdam. When he ghosted me after six months, a quick google found that he'd been in the local paper with his wife of ten years and that they'd recently been made partners in a company in London. They'd put their recent holiday on Facebook too. That was a lesson I can tell you.

It's made me very wary of long distance relationships and to be much more careful in checking facts.

BitchQueen90 · 25/04/2018 14:28

I've done it but I had valid reasons - it was descending into stalker territory and the best thing for me to do was block him on everything and not respond. That was the only way to get him to leave me alone.

Elementtree · 25/04/2018 14:30

I ghosted a guy who got really fucking needy very quick and wouldn't back off - he started to creep me out - seemed the safest option.

NameChangeBiatch · 25/04/2018 15:03

Thinking about it I did do it once, only one date in, due to his hygiene or lack thereof.
How can you bring up someone's body odour on a first date? It was POTENT. Couldn't do it. Forced smiles till end of date then ghosted.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/04/2018 15:13

Although never actually ghosted, I did have to block and ignore.
I told him I didn't want to see him again and he went all weird.
Only option was to block on everything.

PrizeOik · 25/04/2018 18:17

I ghosted when I knew the guy would try to have an annoying, whiny conversation (really an argument) where he'd try to convince me I had no reason to stop seeing him. Basically to save both our dignity.

I used to think men were owed an explanation, but I quickly realized, through experience, that this expectation is designed to give creepy / abusive / entitled men a last go at being awful.

Mousefunky · 25/04/2018 18:22

I am a woman and I’ve done it a few times tbh. If the person transpires to be an arsehole or an out and out weirdo then yes, they’re getting blocked. The block button is my best friend. Not ashamed of this, I don’t need the negative energy and backlash of egotistical men who can’t handle rejection (it has happened before and isn’t pretty.)

Failingat40 · 25/04/2018 18:25

Men mostly in my group of friends.

They'll spend weeks messaging and sexting women then finally meet them for sex then ghost.

It's pretty horrible but I guess the thrill is in the chase.

IveGotNoClothes · 25/04/2018 18:32

I was ghosted whilst I was pregnant (he was the father)......he also knew I was pregnant.

He literally ignored me in favour of someone else!

We were very much in a relationship

Seth · 25/04/2018 19:24

I'm not OLD at the moment but have done and will do again. I've had it done to me but I haven't done it back. I think it's really rude and I don't see the need to do that just because others are. If it's after 1 date or a couple of drinks and it's clearly going to go no further then I send a simple 'thanks for a good night, but I don't see things going any further for us. Best of luck' or similar. It's just manners.

In a proper relationship then yes completely unthinkable and can't believe some of the stories here!

Whenwillth1send · 25/04/2018 19:29

Only if I am worried they will become aggressive. Generally I can be genuine and make the effort to end things on good terms

UserV · 25/04/2018 19:45

Not ever done it to a bloke, (been with the same one for a quarter century!)

But I have done it to friends in the past. When they have got clingy, needy, and whiny, and annoying, and have got to the point where everything is a crisis, and every little problem and issue they have is bigger than anyone else's..........

Don't care if it's the 'cowards' way out (to stop answering calls and texts and emails and suchlike.) What else are you meant to do? It's incredibly hard to say 'I don't like you anymore, you irritate me, you stress me out, I am sick of your face, you bore me, and I don't want you in my life anymore.'

I don't believe for a SECOND that anyone on here would say that, I really don't........ It's MUCH easier to 'ghost' people. And that is why many people do it!

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