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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does this mean??

27 replies

Daydreamer2407 · 23/04/2018 09:01

My partner and father of my baby says certain things in arguments and I'm not sure what it actually means. To be honest they're not really arguments it's usually him just ranting at me for something I have or haven't done. Such as not making him food or him having to get up with the baby at 7.30 on a weekend.

So.. as I say, he gets angry and says things like: I'm ugly, he wishes I'd meet someone else, that he doesn't care about me or what I do, that he can do better than me etc. These are just some of the things he says and the insults can extend to being about my family, friends and job. What I don't understand is if he thinks these things then why is he with me? He says sorry after and that he doesn't mean it but will go on to say the same things the next time.

Does he feel that way or is it something else? I don't know what to think. I'm quite a straight up person so if I say something I generally mean it that's why I can't understand why he would say these things if there was no truth to them at all.

OP posts:
Adversecamber22 · 23/04/2018 09:06

What you need to know is that he is a very uncaring and nasty man. He is berating you to keep you down and make you weak with fear questioning yourself and it's working Was he always like this or has he changed a lot since the baby arrived?

A red flag for domestic abuse and please understand that doesn't mean just physical violence is when women have their first dc.

Original poster
Daydreamer2407 · 23/04/2018 09:10

There have been issues previously but it's a reoccurring theme now with him saying nasty things. I can see the cycle of how he says them, says sorry and is nice but then says them again. I'm getting so sick of hearing it now. He says that it's the anger and he doesn't mean it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/04/2018 09:10

It means he is an inadequate piece of shit not fit to be a father.

PickAChew · 23/04/2018 09:13

It means that he is an abusive twat.

lexi873 · 23/04/2018 09:19

It means he’s a nasty little bully.
My sons father was like this to me, fancied an argument every few weeks and the names he’d call me were disgusting. He was always sorry after but how many times can you be sorry?.
Things escalated to damaging my property and physical violence in the end, looking back now I should have got rid of him the very first argument we had when he called me a dog.
Get away from this man it will only get worse I’m sorry to say.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2018 09:20

Your relationship with him is well and truly over now.

This is because he is treating you with the utmost contempt and such men do not change. They also do not respond well if at all to any form of counselling or any anger management type courses; AM is no answer to domestic abuse. It will do your child also no favours to grow up seeing their mother being verbally abused by their dad also. You have a child, what do you want to teach this young person about relationships and what will he/she learn from seeing their dad behave abusively towards you?.

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse commonly seen in abusive relationships and that is a continuous one. His saying sorry after verbally abusing you means precisely nothing because he also feels entitled to say such things to you. He likely saw a similar abusive dynamic in his parents relationship and has simply repeated that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2018 09:21

Womens Aid can and will help you going forward; I would urge you to contact them.

AnneTwackie · 23/04/2018 09:22

It means you’re better off without him Flowers

lexi873 · 23/04/2018 09:22

Also, from my personal experience he will keep doing it because you allow it.
If I’d been a woman who’d never have accepted being called a name then he wouldn’t have kept getting away with it, but I accepted his apologies and it continued. If they see you as a mug nothing will change.

Smeddum · 23/04/2018 09:29

I'm quite a straight up person so if I say something I generally mean it that's why I can't understand why he would say these things if there was no truth to them at all

There is no truth in them, he’s saying the most hurtful and abusive things he can think of because he wants to, he chooses to hurt you this way and because he’s an inadequate, pathetic piece of shit who knows that you are far too good for him.

He is slowly chipping away at your confidence, your self belief, your self worth and he is doing it to make sure you never leave. It’s what they do, abusers.

We begin to believe the negatives, we believe we are worthless, pathetic, unworthy of love or affection, a waste of space. But it’s not true, none of it is true.

It took me getting away before I realised, you can get away too.

Miranda15110 · 23/04/2018 09:37

Plan your exit. It will escalate.

Onemansoapopera · 23/04/2018 09:44

It means you've exhausted all means of fruitful communication (if you ever had it) and he has resorted to base level because he no longer gives a shit if you split or stay together and he's making it fairly obvious the ball is in your court because he's not bothered either way. This relationship is as good as over I'm afraid and its down to you to end it.

Talith · 23/04/2018 09:48

V unpleasant. I'm divorcing after 17 years with my X and although we have had our major differences he never called me any names. Not one insult. It's not normal as far as I'm concerned. Your bloke sounds immature, abusive and just plain nasty. Get rid!

A question I ask myself, am I and this person bringing out the best in each other or the worst? If the latter then why bother x

Original poster
Daydreamer2407 · 23/04/2018 10:07

I don't understand how a person can be so nasty. I often wonder if the relationship is normal and other couples experience this

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/04/2018 10:11

Other couples in abusive relationships are like this. In healthy relationships.....no

HollowTalk · 23/04/2018 10:13

I am divorced and my ex and I never spoke to each other like that. It's not a normal way to speak to someone.

Emmageddon · 23/04/2018 10:14

He's an insecure twat with low self-esteem and can only feel good by making you feel bad. Tell him to jog on. You deserve better than this and so does your child. He's a terrible role model.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2018 10:16

I often wonder if the relationship is normal and other couples experience this

No, other couples (that don't include an abusive partner like your "D"P) do not experience this.

This nice / nasty / nice pattern is a very well known phenomenon. Google "cycle of abuse"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2018 10:18

"I don't understand how a person can be so nasty. I often wonder if the relationship is normal and other couples experience this"

You do not have to understand why, trying to understand him will certainly tie you up in knots. Its not you, its him.

Your relationship is neither emotionally healthy or functional.
What you describe is pretty much par for the course for those in an abusive relationship. This is not how emotionally healthy couples behave. He is also a terrible role model to your child.

DD2017 · 23/04/2018 10:21

Been there, done that for 4 years and ended up with time off work, 2 break downs and a year of counselling to move on in life.
Get out now!!
If you feel he loves you and doesn't mean it then he has issues and needs help.
If not and either way, he's a nasty piece of shit who doesn't mind hurting you so he either stops and you move on or you simply move on without him. No more chances or apologies!!
Be strong and get him gone.. you're worth so much more!!!!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2018 10:28

Your relationship is no where near healthy or normal. It's a disaster and I can promise you that his vile behaviour will escalate, possibly into actual physical attacks. Him saying he can't control himself when he's angry is utter shite and extremely worrying. Tell him to get out TODAY.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/04/2018 10:42

Does he do this to people at work? To friends? Is he like this to the general population, does he lose it with the guy in the corner shop, or his boss, or people he meets in the street?

If he does, then he has problems so severe that he needs psychiatric help, and should be away from you while he gets it.

If he doesn't, then he's just the average abusive twat who abuses his partner because he thinks she'll shut up and take it. And should be away from you.

Original poster
Daydreamer2407 · 23/04/2018 10:49

Thank you for all the honest replies. He makes me feel like it's me and it's normal so it makes me feel a bit more sane knowing it's not. He can lose it quite easily with other people. Will often have problems at work or with his family and shouts and gets aggressive. It's quite embarrassing really

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 23/04/2018 10:59

He clearly has anger issues and he's not exactly going to deal with them if all he has to do is say sorry...

Not only is it extremely hurtful to you but do you really want your child growing up in this sort of environment?

Brandnewshit · 23/04/2018 11:07

My ex did this too. He was always sorry or couldn't remember because he was drunk.
He was a nasty abusive piece of shit.
That's what it means.

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