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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice pleaseeeee !

29 replies

Kayla1992 · 20/04/2018 15:10

Hi thank you for taking the time to read my post.
Right first off I've been with this guy for a few years now, recently bought our first home together (around 4months ago) we spent the majority of last year apart as he was working away to save money for the house. It was a struggle to spend so much time apart but we made it work and everything seemed fine. Towards the end of last year the working away stopped we had enough money to buy the house etc.
But around Christmas time I discovered on his search history on his phone he has been looking at escort websites. I don't know why I even looked on his phone I have never done this before, I just had this overwhelming feeling, I obviously questioned him about this he said it was a stupid mistake, a act of madness, he had browsed the page and shut it off etc. I have him the benefit of the doubt I kind of just thought one mistake he was sorry etc. We had never had any issues like this in the past. So I moved on from this but a few weeks ago I decided just go on his phone again and I found a long list of numbers of escorts in his phone that he had blocked, he's admitted to messaging them and arranging to meet up but swears he has never gone through with anything. He said it mainly happened when he was working away last year but still promises nothing sexual has ever happened with these people. I don't know what to believe.
I am in a massive dilemma, if I leave him it will put us both in a massive financial mess because we havnt had the house long enough to sell it and make a profit etc. If we are very lucky we may just break even with what we owe on the mortgage.
We are both still very young (mid 20s) and everything has just been turned on it's head these past few weeks.
I need some advice from a outsider, helllpppp 😫

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 20/04/2018 15:18

He will be lying. Sorry op.

See a solicitor about what you can/should do about the house. You don't necessarily have to sell immediately.

I'm sorry. Shit situation.

Huskylover1 · 20/04/2018 16:32

It sounds as though he has contacted prostitutes in the past, but no longer does, given that the numbers are now blocked.

Why would you contact a prostitute, arrange a date to meet up, and then not actually go? Doesn't sound likely does it?

Can you be with someone, who would pay women for sex?

What if he has to go away with work? Will your mind be racing?

Personally I'd end it. Yes, it will hit you financially, but you are very young. I'd be very concerned that once you have kids, and are not able to give him all of your attention, and maybe not a lot of sex for a while, that he'd be arranging secret hook ups with sex workers.

How do you think he would feel, if you had been chatting to male prostitutes? Hunky dory, yeah?

ravenmum · 20/04/2018 17:10

I would say he has blocked the numbers so that they can't ring him when it is not convenient.

You should get yourself checked out by a doctor.

Georgesmumwantscoffee · 20/04/2018 18:14

I think he's lying, sorry OP. Cheaters always only admit to what you can actually prove. Massive red flags.

SomeKnobend · 20/04/2018 18:23

Obviously a liar. A one off you'd Google the number and ring it, done. With several numbers stored in his phone, it's a habit. Bollocks has he made an appointment and not gone either. He's a serial cheat and prostitute user. Leave, even if it costs because of the house, he is not worth wasting your time or sexual health on. BTW, do get a sexual health check asap. Even if he used condoms every time they're not 100% foolproof.

Original poster
Kayla1992 · 20/04/2018 18:37

I am absolutely devasted to say the least, it's like banging my head on a brick wall can't get no real answers 😡 I know what he has done I just want a confession out of him but that seems very unlikely

OP posts:
Georgesmumwantscoffee · 20/04/2018 18:53

So sorry OP Sad

Adayindisney67 · 20/04/2018 19:22

He'll never admit.
Tell him its over and see a solicitor.
I also agree with pp.. Get yourself sti checked.

I feel for you I really do ❤

user2929 · 20/04/2018 19:24

Get yourself to a gum clinic

lifebegins50 · 20/04/2018 19:31

Decide about the relationship without factoring in any worry about the house.This is important, when you link the two you will make a decision for the wrong reasons.

I think he is lying and his escort habit is pretty serious.You can't change this...maybe he can't as it probadly is quite deep seated.

You are soooo young to tolerate a life with a sleazy man.

There will be solutions to the house, even if you have lost money look at it as rent and the price for learning about your partner.

Many of us didn't know about ex's until marriage and children so our losses are very high.I dread to think what my marriage/divorce has cost however it was necessary so unavoidable.

Do not put money ahead of your happiness and peace of mind.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2018 03:16

He is 100%, absolutely lying straight to your face. You will be making a massive mistake if you don't leave him immediately.

JustOneMan · 21/04/2018 03:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maras2 · 21/04/2018 05:42

Sorry kayla but he's not telling you the truth and probably never will.
You need to work out a way to recoup as much money as you can,get help from your family or if you can afford it a solicitor,but first please get yourself STI tested.
Good luck.

OutofSyncGirl · 21/04/2018 05:48

OP, how awful for you :( I'm sorry. I have to say though that I would rather have temporary financial problems in the short term than stay with a man who behaves this way. You're never going to trust him now, are you? And rightly so. Imagine if you had children with him? (I assume you don't)

You deserve better than this.

Original poster
Kayla1992 · 21/04/2018 09:01

He isn't away with work for another 7 days from now, I've told him what I am planning to do.. leave him sell the house etc. He's being very stubborn, we are both joint on the mortgage so he is going to have to agree to either buy me out or sell up, neither of these he is agreeing to. So basically I'm trapped in this mess until he realises I'm serious and it's over.

OP posts:
Lunettesloupes · 21/04/2018 09:07

So what if he has only messaged them?. Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who messages prostitutes and wastes their time without going through with it? Jeez no brainier here - get rid!!

Newerversion · 21/04/2018 09:40

Hi, firstly I am so sorry you had to discover this the way you did. I have been in exactly your position, exactly! My h did the same. The blocking will be previously visited escorts who he has blocked to prevent any contact so he won’t be discovered. If you feel you need more proof then his phone bill is the best option.

Please do get an STI check (you can do this at home through an online company).

If you want to message me then I am happy to talk, I am shaking typing this as I still get flashbacks to the moment of discovery now and the feeling it gave me.
Make sure you are looking after yourself, I know eating and drinking not to mention sleeping, are probably fairly impossible right now but you need to try.
I am 7 months on and although h minimised it all so much early on, i now know the full extent.

I desperately hope that it transpires your partner is telling the truth but be ready for more.
I wish I could say something to make that feeling go away for you but I realise right now it is all encompassing.
Again, please feel free to message me if you want to chat.

category12 · 21/04/2018 09:45

You're not trapped until he agrees - Monday morning, get the divorce started.

BewareOfDragons · 21/04/2018 09:52

Tell him you're seeing a solicitor first thing next week to start the process of getting a court order to force the sale of the house.

Tell him you will be pursuing him for legal costs since he's making you do this

Get yourself checked for STIs.

Be grateful you found out before you married the lying scum.

Mouseville65 · 21/04/2018 09:56

Whether or not he is lying what he's done is wrong and enough to destroy your relationship, you'd go insane wondering what he's doing when he works away. The fact he is now being stubborn shows what a selfish heartless person he is. I really feel for you 💐

Original poster
Kayla1992 · 21/04/2018 10:11

What have you done since you found out? Have you stayed together tried to work at it or just walked away? I'm sorry this has happened to you also, it's a horrible horrible situation xx

OP posts:
Newerversion · 21/04/2018 10:36

Hi Kayla, unfortunately my h is still living here but only until we sort housing. He begs forgiveness often and has started seeing a therapist. He is not the man I married though and never will be- and I have no respect or even do I like the man he proved he was so his begging is pointless.
How are you doing now?

Original poster
Kayla1992 · 21/04/2018 11:10

We arnt speaking at the moment I've made it very clear it's over and have taken the advice from above comments, decided to seek legal advice next week, I will go to a clinic to get checked as soon as possible. There is no contact between us he's working away and his number is blocked I felt I needed to have silence from him to get my head straight because I couldn't cope hearing his bullshit sorrys anymore. Xx

OP posts:
Newerversion · 21/04/2018 11:15

Wow, you are amazing, good on you for taking steps to move on (I know it isn’t easy and despite taking steps you are also hurting a lot). Good luck with the screening. If you want details of the postal test kits (around a five day wait for results) I am happy to share it.

Sn0tnose · 21/04/2018 11:18

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this and I think you are truly doing the right thing by ending it. I'm another one who thinks he is lying and admitting only to what he thinks he might get away with. I don't think you will ever get a full confession out of him.