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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does my ex regret dumping me?

30 replies

Unicornlover77 · 21/03/2018 00:40

Well to cut a long story short i was dumped last week out of the blue after a year together and he told me he didnt love me but cares deeply for me but doesn't want a relationship with anyone at the minute?? I love him very dearly and was in utter shock and devastation when he told me and said some home truths which at the time he said was a load of crap, but it was the truth about the way he'd been off with me lately. He then messaged me yesterday to say hes sad that hes hurt me and he hates that hes hurt me so badly and invited me round because something id got him to order had arrived. So today i spent the whole day with him and he cooked me a lovely dinner like nothing had changed except there was no intimacy and he gave me a little kiss and hugged me tight for about two mins when i was leaving which made me cry a little and said come whenever you want your always welcome. I got home and texted to say i was back safe and he replied glad your back safe it was nice to spend the day with you?? Im so confused what does he really want? He knows i really love and adore him but Im scared to ask him incase i push him away and i don't want to lose him?? What should i do?

OP posts:

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 21/03/2018 00:42

I'm sorry but he's told you he doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he would tell you. You need to accept that in order to move on x

ohfourfoxache · 21/03/2018 00:44

Please walk away.

If he thought that much of you then he wouldn’t have let you go.

another20 · 21/03/2018 00:47

He was just easing his conscience - he doesnt want to feel like the bad guy - so is showing some kindness and/or expressing some guilt.

Tough for you - take care of yourself.

Original poster

Unicornlover77 · 21/03/2018 00:54

I forgot to mention he said all this after we'd had a bad argument. If he wanted this then why would he ask me to spend the whole day with him when i was going to get my parcel and leave and he told me he really enjoys me being with him and he enjoys my company and wanted to make me dinner and didnt try anything but was nicer than hes been for weeks? Then bear hugged me when i decided to leave? Do you think hes regretting saying it? Im just baffled by the turn around as hes a stubborn strong willed guy and normally means what he says. You can see why im confused.

OP posts:

OldHag1 · 21/03/2018 01:04

Maybe this was his way of saying goodbye but in a nicer way than had he just ignored you following an argument.

I also think he’s easing his conscience.

Runbikeswim · 21/03/2018 01:05

He's probably just trying to make it ok and wants to try and look after your feelings and his guilt after breaking up with you.

Fatandfrigid · 21/03/2018 01:06

Yes it sounds like he regrets it and you may well get back together

fia101 · 21/03/2018 01:15

In my experience if a man wants to be with you they'll tell you. They don't skirt around there issue like women.

I had an ex like this. Dumped me and then he would invite me round for lunch and we'd have a lovely time (no intimacy) and I'd get my hopes up he'd want to get back together. He didn't. He liked me but didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

It's easier and kinder (when one person is hurt) to cut all all ties and move on. Lunches and cinema dates etc muddy the waters and mess with heads.

I read a book called "it's called an break up cos it's broken" which basically said it how it was ie he would say if wanted to b neither you.

Harsh but save yourself time and hurt and move on.

opionated · 21/03/2018 01:18

we have no idea however its normally always a mistake to get back with an ex

Original poster

Unicornlover77 · 21/03/2018 01:21

Oh and he also said he still wants me to be part of his life and to still see me?. Should i just give him space? Would i have a chance of him wanting me back if i put some distance and did no contact ? I really love this man deeply and didnt want to break up as i thought we were fine, we had our tiffs like most couples but i wasnt a nag or a cheat or a spender i was a nice and decent girlfriend and he even told me he was lucky to have me?! Gggrrrr men hes got my emotions all over the place and my depression is so low im scared to not speak to him incase he thinks i dont care and if i carry on texting seeing him etc will that just push us further apart?

OP posts:

Ariesgirl1988 · 21/03/2018 01:25

I agree with previous posters I think he invited you round and had dinner etc to ease his conscience if he really wanted you back he would've said so or more importantly he wouldn't have let you go. Not to sound harsh but don't misinterpret his kindness as a sign he wants you back cut your losses and start moving on. If he tries to keep up contact tell him firmly that you're trying to move on and him trying to stay in touch isn't helping you. Hopefully you will get over him in time.

opionated · 21/03/2018 01:26

id also add he does not want to be in a relationship with you he said that but as someone said its easier and kinder in the long run to break all ties until the other person is over you but he dosnt want to hurt your feelings
or he likes to feel wanted ego trip ect.. either way he broke up with you presumably he did not do it on a whim.

opionated · 21/03/2018 01:33

he also said he still wants me to be part of his life and to still see me?. because he does not want to hurt you he cares about you as a freind not as a partner but you cant be friends until you are over him and if he was decent hed tell this tom you.

Would i have a chance of him wanting me back if i put some distance and did no contact ? he told you he didnt love you he isnt going to change his mind (but you should go no contact and yes itl be hard but i promise you one day you will wake up and he wont be the first thing on your mind.)
i was a nice and decent girlfriend and he even told me he was lucky to have me?! im sure you were but sadly people do just fall out of love it sucks but it happens.

user1486956786 · 21/03/2018 01:35

The best thing you can do for you is stop contacting him and try and focus on this being final and moving forward, whether or not he changes his mind in the future it isn't healthy for your mind and emotions to wait around hoping/wishing/wondering.

Original poster

Unicornlover77 · 21/03/2018 01:51

Thank you ladies. I know what you're all saying but it doesn't feel like a normal breakup like I've had before. My heads still all over the place from seeing him today after him saying all that and then acting normal round me. Part of me wonders if he's scared to be close to anyone too and distancing himself will stop him going through this again. His father passed away after only 4 weeks notice of cancer and we both nursed him daily till his last breath and he took it quite badly and has been depressed for the last 3 months and I'm wondering if this is his way of trying to deal with the loss by pushing people away because he also keeps having emotional days where he cries and goes into his shell and misses his dad terribly and having to go through his belongings is making him so down. This is another reason I don't want to walk away.

OP posts:

Ariesgirl1988 · 21/03/2018 02:19

@Unicornlover77 Yeah I can understand that you don't want to walk away because he is grieving but you can't hand around and be his support when he needs it that's not fair on you he can't have it both way he either wants to be with you and have your support or as he did he ended it and asking for your support in his grief is a little bit selfish in my opinion because he's getting your support and giving you false hope and messing with your head I know its hard to walk away I was in this situation recently and I finally got the message and walked away best thing I ever did because I'm over it now.

RavenclawRealist · 21/03/2018 02:30

Sounds to me like there is 2 options

he is trying to be a 'good guy' and thinks by staying friends he is that!
he wants to keep you on the hook while seeing what else is out there!

For your own sake step away, if he wanted to be with you he would he!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 21/03/2018 06:44

You shared an awful experience together but sometimes it takes something like this to help you assess what you want.
Maybe his dad dying has made him evaluate his life and work on the way he feels.
In my experience if a man loves you in the right way they tell you. They don't end it. I think he spent yesterday with you because he cares about you and feels bad because he was the one that ended it. I did something similar when I split with my husband, loved him like a friend and hated seeing him hurt. It didn't help him. He's over it now and we are friends. Meet for coffee sometimes but I had to give him time to recover first by reducing contact.
It was easier for me because while I still cared for him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. It sounds as though this is maybe how he feels.
Men are usually more direct when they want something even if they are scared, hurting or concerned. I don't think he wouldve been able to keep it at such a friendly, but impersonal level for a day had he still felt anything else.
The only way you are going to know is by asking him. I know you don't want to push him away but do you want to continue feeling this confused either?
I think you need to ask him in a kind but direct way where he Is, if this is a break up or a let's gather our thoughts after a really traumatic time. Then take it from there. But, I mean this in the kindest way, be prepared for him to tell you he doesn't want it anymore and it's more than just him needing space. It will hurt but so will trying to work what he is thinking/feeling wondering if he wants to try again.

TheNaze73 · 21/03/2018 07:53

I think he’s doing that all out of guilt, giving you all the lines about being friends etc.

Give it a few weeks & you'll probably discover he’s with someone else.

If he wanted to be with you, he’d of said.

Peanutbuttercheese · 21/03/2018 08:14

Plus be careful sometimes people keep in touch and then they use it as an opportunity for sex because they know they can. I'm long in the tooth and a bit cynical though and remember this happening to a couple of my mates when we were much younger.

Tatiannatomasina · 21/03/2018 08:22

He is using you as a crutch, nothing more. Give him the heave ho.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/03/2018 08:58

I hate men like this.
Please cut him off totally.
He has someone else and is keep you as his fall back girl.
Don't be anyone's 2nd choice.
Block, ignore, delete.
It's the only way to save your sanity!

RayM · 21/03/2018 08:59

The fact that he’s grieving does complicate matters a bit and I can see why you would find this difficult ... but I would suggest a clean break from this guy. You have to protect your own emotions too.

kubex · 21/03/2018 08:59

It's obvious from your posts that you're not actually listening to what anyone is saying here - you're not ready to hear it.

But the truth is, he ended it because he doesn't love you.

He cares about you, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

He made you dinner because he felt bad for hurting you, not because he wants to get back together.

His father's death has made him realise that life is short and he shouldn't waste it in a relationship he's not happy in.

You need to stop believing he ended it for any other reason than he just doesn't want to be with you.

hmcAsWas · 21/03/2018 09:03

He wants to keep you going on the backburner for company and possibly more whilst he looks for a candidate for a new relationship (that's if he hasn't already in a new relationship)

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