Affair husband in love with OW can marriage survive?

[Mangoandpassionfruit]

H and I married for 25 years, two sons. Indian Hindu family. Mutual respect and ‘love’ no sex and passion, very different personalities. He met a woman he works with, very senior, friendship then developed into sex. He told me straight away but said wanted to carry on with marriage for children. He loves her but he is senior figure in community and does not want divorce. I was very upset when I know he loves her and shares so much with her. I am so upset.

How does he think it is ok to treat you like this?
You deserve much better. He wants to have sex with somebody else but for you to play the role of wife?
Get rid

Wow. He has no respect for you whatsoever

It sounds like he's at least been honest, but is not willing to give up the other relationship either, he is not thinking of you and your needs as he said he doesn't want divorce because he is a senior community leader. Which isn't considering you or your feelings at all, it's all him, him and more him, you deserve far more respect and after giving him 25 years of your life and 2 sons.

I'd leave him and see how long "his love" lasts without the creature comforts of a family life and home, that is what he has gambled with.

No. Just no. It’s over or if ,you’re willing to give it another go he has to give her up and apologise profusely and be genuinely sorry for even suggesting this.
And your sons wouldn’t want this either.

I wouldn't be keeping his grubby little secret, that's for sure

I have been very angry with her and messaged her she just stays calm and kind. He gets cross with me and says we have to stay together for the children that is what society says

He wants his cake and eat it.Do what you want?

I do not want the marriage to end but I get so upset he loves her

Ahhhh patriarchy is a shitty fucking deal and men think they can have their cake and eat it, most of which do apparently.

What to do?

I'd throw the bastard out. Bollocks to his reputation, you deserve better than a sham marriage to a twat like that. He made his bed, he can go and languish in it with his paramour.

I think you need to stop, breathe and try to think not about him, her or 'society', but about just you.

Given the circumstances (which seem unlikely to change) can you continue like this? Do you want to?

Even if it feels shocking and scary to think about separating or divorce, you DO have options. Do what's best for you, not what's best for him.

He sounds ridiculous!

your children would find out one day trust me and do you want them to think that's ok behaviour?
Do what's right for you and leave him, hes the one who's down wrong not you.

OP why is there no sex and passion in your marriage? Is it him or both of you? How would he feel if you find someone else to have sex with, would he be happy continuing with the marriage then? I have some understanding of the Asian community so get that you may not want your marriage to end. Give him an ultimatum. Either work on your marriage or let you go. I couldn't cope knowing my husband was frolicking in bed with someone else whilst leaving me hanging on a shoe string.

It is not the sex it is that he shares so much with her they laugh all the time he speaks of her with love. I have read all their messages. I do not want sex I want to be not upset

As women we have sent messages I have tried to shame her but she stands firm she has her own life and says it is for us to work on.

Tell your family members!!
Get them to shame him

Please do not put up with this

Take a copy of all messsges and show people so they believe you.

You have done no wrong

Is she Indian too. ?
Is she married?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Divorce is viewed very differently in the UK than in India. You really can do whatever you want to. Many, many children grow up just fine with their parents divorced.

How old are your children? Do you work, or do you have training for a career?

You can have a different life. You can have any kind of life you want.

The mental and emotional strain will break you !!!!
It's not his decision, it's YOUR decision if you decide to keep the status quo or go for the nuclear option.......

Either way, it looks like it's going to be messy.....

No one has the right to treat you like this !!!!!

Mango I can understand the cultural cogitations of whats going on, but really please dont just put up with it.

Are you in the UK? Do you work and have the means to support yourself, can you discuss this with any of your family?

Be strong for both yourself and your sons seeing a strong woman who will not be treated like this, 25 years is a long time, looks like this is your time to do something to change your life, karma.....

but said wanted to carry on with marriage for children
What do YOU want though?
There's no love there.
And you mention respect but he has none for you, at all!!!
I could not live with someone knowing they love someone else and were having sex with them.
Do you have any boundaries or deal breakers?
I don't know much about your culture but I would imagine it's not easy to leave.
But please look into it.
Don't let his 'man' treat you and your DC with such disrespect!
Show your DC that women do NOT put up with crap like this!

Sex brings people closer, so no doubt he will feel closer to her.

You seem okay with sexless marriage...he isn't okay with it.

Were you expecting the sexless marriage to last forever?

I'd stop messaging her. He's your issue tbh.

I can't stress enough how much BS he is feeding you! You need to end this now and let him deal with the shame and aftermath if his actions. In this day and age do you really want to be the underdog for your husband who has shown you no respect? Seriously don't live the rest of your life with his dirty secret. Why should you?

^^ this exactly