"I do not want to talk right now"

[IamAporcupine]

Almost every time DH and I argue he would then say this when I go to him to try to work things out.
I (somehow) understand that it is because he is very angry and things might/will get worse if we talk at that time, but I am always left feeling miserable because I do need to talk and resolve the argument.

How can I/we deal with this?

Do you ask him when he will talk? If he refuses to talk ever then its stonewalling.

There is a similar thread in AIBU about this.

Good point, I do not think I ask him. I feel so bad I just leave (crying usually)

I will check the thrad

If he talks when he's calmed down, then I reckon that's OK.

If everything is brushed under the carpet and never mentioned again then that's not OK.

I guess most of the time we do talk in the end. Not sure what would happen though if I didn't approach him again.

I just find the wait extremely difficult and also do not understand why it always has to be this way

I understand where you're coming from because I'm exactly the same - I want matters resolved neatly and completely, and straight away.

All I can say is that I've learned with experience how much better it is to wait until emotions are lowered and both people can speak sensibly and nicely to each other.

I don't know why I can wait now, when I couldn't when I was younger. Just bitter experience, I guess. And I'm better at distracting myself with the DCs or work.

People need time to calm down and collect themselves to deal with things calmly. Pushing them isn't helpful.

I am a bit like this. Sometimes there are lots of things going on, and I just don't feel up to a tricky convo at a particular time. Especially if I'm tired or not feeling great. I don't like being forced into it, would always worry I'd say something I don't mean.

Always we find time to chat before bed though. Never let the sun go down on a disagreement with loved one.

Do you know, if DH and I row, I cannot be arsed to talk about it all. I think sometimes it's just better to agree to disagree. Just both say sorry and MOVE ON. Not 'Sorry But' and then repeat it all and pick it all to pieces. I'm just not a 'talk about things' person.

Always we find time to chat before bed though. Never let the sun go down on a disagreement with loved one.

That's what I always believed, but DH has gone to sleep many a times without sorting disagreements out. It leaves me feeling awful.

ParadiseCity
what if it is a disagreement about the DC where you have to talk about it?

Yes that does sound hard. Difficult not to dwell on things. Hard to change someone though, if instinctively they don't like tricky conversations.
Presumably he knows it's on your mind?

I have to say that I think "Never let the sun go down on an argument" is a bit silly and inflexible.

If he's still angry then it would be stupid to try to talk before bedtime just because of some trite saying.

I'm beginning to think this is really your issue, from the way you're dealing with replies on this thread, and that your DH is the sensible one. If you pick away at him then I can see why he needs to call a halt sometimes.

@IAmAporcupine - sorry I don't think we've been in that situation. I think between us we'd have to decide who had more information/ minded backing down the least. (So for eg if it was choosing a school I would have casting vote having read all the bumpf and visited them all.)

Hope you get it sorted. Rowing is miserable especially in winter

It sounds like you do end up talking things through, so I would just give him some space to cool down - as another poster said, pushing it when emotions are already running high is probably going to make things worse.

If I'm fuming during/after an argument, I NEED time to cool off. I've inherited a vicious streak from my mother, but I recognise this and can keep it under control, when I can separate myself and cool off. This is something I have sadly learned since going for low blows in arguments and saying something awful - really cutting and nasty - that I instantly regret.

I wish I could just delete this behaviour, but for now I remove myself from the situation and come back to talk when I've calmed down (not long - 20 mins max). Perhaps your DP is doing the same - in which case, it's to protect you from what he might say in anger (and therefore not really mean).

You sound like me and DH, reversed. If we've argued I need to go away, calm down, gain perspective and generally wind my neck in a bit. DH used to more or less follow me around the house poking at me for a response when all I wanted to do was tear into him for not allowing me to process anything that was happening. If he does eventually talk through what's happening then basically what he's doing is saying 'my brain hasn't caught up with my emotions yet, please allow me some breathing space' - it's not a punishment or a reflection on his feelings for you. If anything it sounds like he's trying to make sure he doesn't handle things badly by talking before he's ready to.

Yeah I always get the 'don't want to talk' and then it's rarely ever resolved

Thanks ChaChaChaCh4nges
It may well be my issue, I have been told that in the past.

DH is not the sensible one though. He has bouts of anger and talks BS during these arguments. It is very difficult to given him time to calm down when I feel hurt by his comments.

Who in the past told you it was your issue, and in what context?

Thanks everyone
Yes, he had said in the past that it is to avoid saying (even more) nasty things.

An ex-DP.
Similar circumstances - some type of argument, I want to talk it through, he thought I would not 'let go'.

Do you think there’s anything in it?

To me, based purely on this very limited thread, I can kind of see it. I can also imagine that your DP might say things that to you are hurtful but to him are truthful.

I'm like your DH. I needs a cooling off period, could be 20 minutes, could be two hours depending what's happened. This is because:

I have a very quick, cruel wit when roused. This is fine when dealing with random idiots on the doors/behind the bar. It's not ok to unleash that at someone I love in a domestic squabble.

Words can wound and can never be unheard. I would rather not put someone else at risk of emotional harm just because I've got a gob on me. I think that would be selfish.

I am an introvert. I need time to decompress. I can then have a reasonable conversation, offer any apologies I need to and reach a resolution.

If I have clearly said I need time before I talk, I hope that would be accepted. Following me around talking at me is not going to help us reach a resolution. If I can't be 'allowed' half an hour alone I find myself questioning whether I'm in a relationship with mutual respect.

I don't know if that's any help, and I am happy to answer any questions.

I really do not know anymore, maybe
I just feel awful now and can't think straight.

Thanks weezol yes that makes total sense and it is probably similar to what happens to DH.

Still, just to clarify, I do not follow him around asking to talk. Today for example, we argued in the kitchen, after dinner. I left when he started saying hurtful things. Got DS ready to bed and stayed with him for a while, maybe 30min. I then went up to talk to him. I actually thought he had had some time to calm down. He said something as in, why are you here? I said, I wanted to talk and that was it, he went nuts again.

I don't agree with most of the pps on this thread. It sounds as if he is stonewalling you; this is immature and unkind at best.

If he comes to you after an argument once he's ready to calmly talk things through - fine. If he says unkind things to you and then refuses to discuss any further - awful.