"I do not want to talk right now"

[IamAporcupine]

Almost every time DH and I argue he would then say this when I go to him to try to work things out.
I (somehow) understand that it is because he is very angry and things might/will get worse if we talk at that time, but I am always left feeling miserable because I do need to talk and resolve the argument.

How can I/we deal with this?

Oh crikey Porcupine, that sounds horrible. Even if I'm not fully ready to talk I don't react like that. I would maybe say 'I'll be through to (say) the living room in a bit, shall I bring us a brew then?'

How often are these bouts of anger?

I'm another one who needs time to process, but once I've taken that time, I take responsibility for restarting the discussion of the subject.

If you need time to process, then you need to be the one to restart the conversation. Otherwise you're asking your partner to guess when you're up to it.

If you take that time and then don't talk about it, you're just using your need to process as an excuse to be uncommunicative and/or to avoid facing up to things or having conversations you dislike.

He said something as in, why are you here? I said, I wanted to talk and that was it, he went nuts again.

That’s not OK at all.

Same as WesternMeadowlark, totally. I agree that it's my resposibility to re-open communication.

Less often than what they used to be.
More often than what I'd like.

That was in reply to weezol question

Are we talking every week, every three weeks?

I can honestly say I get to the point I need to decompress two to three times a year, tops.

I dunno. Arguments like this one, where you have to sort it out...? My memory fails me. Every couple of months maybe? Maybe less

WesternMeadowlark
I think you nailed it.
I think if he is moderately upset he will come to me and restart the discussion. If he gets really upset/angry he will probably just withdraw and refuse to discuss it again.

Can you tell me why it has to be sorted out within a certain timescale?

I'm still really uncomfortable with the 'why are you here' in your own home.

Google 'flooding' think John Gottman talks about this?

weezol
Just to clarify - we do not speak English at home, he didn't literally say 'why are you here'. I think he said something like 'what's up', as if he was surprised that I thought we needed to talk. Hope this makes sense.

It does not have to be sorted out immediately, but because it affects DS I do think we have to discuss it sooner rather than later.

I don't agree with most of the posters on the thread, I think what he is doing is using a classic controlling technique to shut you up and make sure that he stays in control.

"I don't want to talk now." that's telling you that what he wants is more important than what you want. He's in control, and you must do as he says.

It must leave you very frustrated to know that what you feel isn't valued.
You say it often ends with you in tears, that's the result he wants. It proves to him that he's in control.

You haven't been able to complete your thoughts, he's shut you down and isn't responding himself, in your frustration and anger, you cry. You look like the irrational fraught one with a weak set of points to make and discuss. He looks like the cool logical winner who is in control.

He's playing games with you, and manoeuvring you into a situation where you will always lose any argument.

So he says 'what's up' and you say 'can we talk about xyz', then he kicked off again?

That's really not on and does lead me to think along similar lines to Ada.

By which I mean he's had adequate time to cool off. To loose his temper again is unfair and unreasonable and suggests a bigger issue with him.

I might be biased here (because I am like OP in this situation) but I'm struggling a bit with why his 'need' to calm down and not talk trumps OP's 'need' to sort things out? I think maybe you have to find a halfway point when your approaches differ so much, either that or accept that you're fairly fundamentally incompatible.

Trouble with that is he would have to be willing to compromise and it doesn't sound like that's necessarily the case. Is it worth you either reading up on conflict resolution in relationships or maybe getting some relationship counselling? I think different ways of dealing with things is something which can usually be overcome but both parties need to be willing to try.

Hmmm ... I agree with AdaColeman here.

Hidingtonothing that's is exactly how I always saw it - why his need is more important than mine. But then kind of accepted that it really might be worse to talk at that time.

But as I said, I do not think he was 'calming down' last night, just refusing to talk.

My ex would refuse to talk and its highly invalidating. I can understand a cooling down period however issues have to be resolved.Flooding is more common for men however it doesn't mean they don't have to communicate it just means they need tineouts.

Can you imagine him being able to react like this in the workplace? It would not be allowed, an upset custoner...would he refuse to talk to them?
If he knows you are upset and refuses to engage afterwards then its likely to be control.A useful book is "the verbally abusive relationship" by Patrica Evans.

What was his childhood like? Often this is learned behaviour from a highly controlling and invalidating parent.

Some people need to talk to soothe themselves and cool down.

For other the more they talk the more stressed they get.

There is not necessarily malice on either but in your case you are each thinking "why is he/she doing this to me?"

Thanks a lot everyone, it helps to see different sides to this.

So this morning he came to me with his tail between his legs, apologised for his reaction and said it was not against me but that the situation had made him incredibly upset.

DH is a very difficult person and in situations like this I really struggle. However, I somehow do not think that control is the reason.
(I am happy to be told I am in denial)