Need to end it

[Racmactac]

I need to end my relationship for the sake of my children. I don’t want to go in to it, they are physically safe so no worries there.

They are not his kids, he lives with us and we have been together 5 years.
House in my sole name but he has done lot renovations to the house.

I need to tell him it’s over but I’m scared of arguments and dealing with the shit and stress.

He’s not going to take it very well and I’m dreading it.

Hi OP, hope you’re ok. It sounds like you are in a pretty positive practical position at least which, if you spend a lot of time on here, you will know makes you quite fortunate..
I am on the other side and life is a million times better for me and my dc.
You’ll need to muster up all your strength but if you keep focusing on the benefits to your children that should keep you going - it did for me.
Is there any emotional abuse involved? Do you have people who can support you in real life?

Unless he billed you for the work done on the house don't be thinking you owe him any money!!.

Horrible situation but just one of those things that needs to be done.

You can't control how he deals with it but you can control how you do. Try to stay calm and empathetic, explain very clearly why it's not working for you and use as many "I feel" phrases as you can. I usually find that can diffuse a situation well.

Stay strong and remember that you're doing this for the right reason.

Best of luck to you

Thanks. Yes to emotional harm that has come to a head today and he doesn't accept any responsibility.

I am fortunate that it's my house and I can tell him to go but i do feel that I Owe him some money for all the work he has done.

He's due home from work tonight but I don't know the best way of doing it. I just don't think he's going to take this decision easily.

You owe him nothing, if someone lives in your home they should contribute.

Is there anyone you can have on standby in case you need them? Where will the kids be? It's probably best that they're not there.

Unless he billed you for the work done on the house don't be thinking you owe him any money!!

Not strictly true. It's not that straight forward.

OP you need legal advice.

First of all, does he have somewhere to go? Not that that should be your problem, but being practical it's much more straightforward if he can go to a friend's or his parents' home.

Secondly, did he buy the materials for the work he did or did he just put in the time?

Also, was he paying a fair share of the rent/bills?

I don't need legal advice. He would be entitled to share of the equity. Legally and morally but not too worried about that - it can be sorted in due course.

I'm worried about telling him, about saying those words, about ending his world. I still have feelings for him but I can no longer be in a relationship with him.

Yes he does have somewhere to go. I can go and stay with friends for weekend or hotel with my kids if need be anyway to give us some space

Did he pay toward a your mortgage? Pay bills in his name?

No he renovated house in a massive way. As I said I'm not worried about that bit.

I'm struggling with the actual words, the hurt I'm going to have to deal with.

Be very careful about leaving the house. The potential/temptation for him to undo the work he’s done must be huge. Don’t come to a financial decision about the house yet. Your guilt is definitely coloring you view of the situation.
Just say absolutely we will talk about what you are owed. But not now. Let’s separate first and then look at that.
Is this there someone else? Or is this an EA situation? Only the advice I’d give would not be the same.

No no one else involved on either side. This is about our relationship impacting upon my children and their emotional needs.

Be straight. Don't worry so much about the words but tell him clearly that it can not continue and that it's not up for negotiation.
Once the words have left your mouth there will be a sense of relief that that part is over.
If he was so worried about loosing you he would understand that he needs to be respectful to your children. That you come as a package and their well-being educationally , physically , socially and emotionally are the most important thing in your life.
Well done for facing up to reality and changing it.

How about something like “We need to talk when the kids are in bed.” To start with, or if you think it might get shouty can they go to your parents or a friend while you do it?

Then;
“I’ve thought about this a lot and whilst it’s upsetting for everyone I want to end our relationship, I need you to move out as soon as possible.
We can make arrangements in regards to the renovations you’ve done on the house at a later date but right now I need to do what’s best for my children and living in this kind of environment isn’t it.”

I know I need to be firm. I know he's going to make it everyone else's fault.

I'm also worried about being on my own and being lonely. But the kids needs come first

Helpful though. Thank you

Whatever you do, do not leave your house. Not for the night, weekend. Nothing. He could be down the local diy store in no time. Buying new locks and fitting them.

Tell him it is over. Tell him to take things he needs for the next few days and you will pack up everything and send it over. Ask for your keys back but then still change the locks on both front and back doors. Get them changed ASAP.

Do you have someone who can sit in the house while you tell him?

He can't change locks , it's my house but I take your point I won't leave.
Why is this stuff so hard to deal with.

I am in a similar situation OP, only my child is his. I'm in the process of getting a mortgage to pay him back for all the work he did here and he's still living here till I get it. It's stressful but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You have my sympathy OP. It's hard but I believe it will be worth it in the long run.

Racmac, finding the right words is always hard. In my case it was his decision. I would have tried therapy etc but he never would, so it came to this.
I would just try to act normal till the kids are in bed, then discuss it. Could you pack him a bag, so he's ready to go tonight/ tomorrow morning? Then arrange for him to come back another day, for more stuff, when the kids are out ?

Is he likely to get aggressive? I think it would be a very good idea to have a friend or relative at the end of the phone ready to come by if necessary.

I have just (6 weeks ago) been in the same situation myself and the hardest part by far was making the decision to end it. Once I'd decided I just very calmly told him that I couldn't see anyway forward for us, and that was a massive weight off my mind. TBH - I don't think it'll make a huge amount of difference in the long run exactly how you put it, you just need to get it said.

Good luck.

That was tough and feeling pretty raw and heartbroken but it's done.

Well done. You are through the most difficult bit.

It's so hard isn't it. Hopefully the worst is over and you can move forward now.