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Original poster

Am I being silly

45 replies

Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 10:46

Just want opinions really as to what’s normal.My partner working away for next few days up north Would anyone have a problem if they were driving up with someone, picking up from house and going with a female work colleague and didn’t mention it they were? We had a quick convo about this conference at weekend and he never mentioned it but I saw the texts arranging it on his phone.. I know I know shouldn’t be looking but gut feeling. I know people don’t need to tell you everything but would you be cool with it. I feel really anxious.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/11/2017 10:48

Do you have any other reason not to trust him?

I wouldn't have an issue with my partner travellling somewhere with a colleague

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2017 10:49

I don’t know, does he usually tell you which work colleagues he is travelling with?

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2017 10:50

Also do you live together? And do you have a history of jealous behaviour?

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 10:54

Yes he’s cheated before but a long time ago and sort of know who it is as he mentioned this colleagues name before and I actually asked whether he was travelling up with anyone and he said no. It’s not the female colleagues as know they are all good friends but the fact I was with him all day yesterday and he outlined his day in detail and omitted this. I think if it was reversed I would mention I was picking so and so up. It’s a 300mile journey.

OP posts:
cherrycola2004 · 21/11/2017 11:02

I do find it odd he failed to mention it. Maybe he thought it would be better for you if he didn't, so you didn't worry? I don't know, it's tricky!

HuckfromScandal · 21/11/2017 11:03

yep, I would not be happy, and suspicious as hell

RoganJosh · 21/11/2017 11:04

I would say he lied about it. It might be because he thought you’d have a problem with it, even though it’s innocent. Or it could be that it’s not innocent.

Could be either I think.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 21/11/2017 11:04

Your last comment changed things. He has deliberately deceived you. That's a red flag.
Travelling with her isn't odd but lying that you are most definitely is.

Bluntness100 · 21/11/2017 11:05

Ok, so you don’t live together. He’s cheated before. How long ago was this, how long is your relationship?

He’s clearly lied, the question is why. Is it because he’s cheating again, seems doubtful, easier to just say he is driving x up, so is it because he knew you’d react badly so decided it was easier not to tell you , possibly.

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 11:46

Yes I get not mentioning coz maybe he thinks it easier not saying anything but last time this happened I said I would prefer he told me stuff. He went away with work and phoned me from his room telling me he was on his own but then saw a pic of him on social media with a work colleague. I really wouldn’t be jealous but this is making me feel horrible the keeping quiet.

OP posts:
heron98 · 21/11/2017 11:48

I wouldn't have an issue with him driving up with a female colleague at all, but I would have an issue with the lying.

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 11:52

Cheated 8 years ago. 10 yr relationship We don’t live together as youngest kids just left for uni but planning to buy house and get married. We see each other everyday and spend all weekend at alternate houses. He Never takes calls or reads texts in front of me and therefore know he must have been arranging this in the times I was shopping at the weekend, texts were when I was shopping on sat.nothing untoward in texts just arranging pick up times. Unfortunately I looked at phone and I feel so horrible although probably innocent .

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/11/2017 12:00

Then yes it’s weird he would lie about it.

The simple fact is if he was cheating it’s easier to stick closer to the truth, I’m driving x up, she’s a colleague after all and there is no issue with that, and he’d be more protective of his phone if he was cheating , so the lying is very strange as to why he’s doing it.

Maybe he just got into the mindset of never mentioning other women to you.

What’s your gut instinct?

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 12:07

My gut reaction is I feel uneasy. I get he doesn’t have to tell me everything but I think you would mention going out of your way to pick someone up and driving up and staying in same hotel for 2 nights. He did mention he was meeting everyone up there and 2 female colleagues were going but told me they were getting on train and didn’t go back n much detail. Yesterday he told me he was leaving at 8am and stopping off to deliver something and tomebhe was getting to hotel, nothing about his companion

OP posts:
MissBax · 21/11/2017 12:10

I'd find it weird if he didn't tell me but I don't know the dynamics of your relationship. Maybe he thought you'd be worried abd he wanted to save that argument?? Who knows!

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 12:17

I’m not overly jealous but he does do stuff that causes me to feel uneasy. I suppose this is what happens coz he’s cheated before. At the weekend I even asked him if he was driving up with anyone and he said no. I suppose he thought I would have a problem maybe but I feel I do now. I need to go for a run as feel anxious. He will probably ring me tonight and not mention it. I just called him as he has Bluetooth but went to voicemail. Not going to ring again.

OP posts:
MissBax · 21/11/2017 12:25

I would definitely ask why he didn't mention it OP. Surely you'll be able to tell from his reaction whether there's anything dodgy going on? How long have you been together?

TheNaze73 · 21/11/2017 12:26

If he’d mentioned it, what would your reaction have been?

BrieAndChilli · 21/11/2017 12:29

It’s the lying about it that’s the problem.
I started a job years ago at the same time as a male colleague and we had to go on overnight training courses in the midlands so drove up together several times.
My DH always knew about it and it wasn’t a problem likewise DH often has to travel and occasionally with colleagues (although I think always Male I’m not sure)

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 12:53

I would have been fine but now feel annoyed as not so unreasonable that I don’t think colleagues shouldn’t drive together but fed up he will pretend that this didn’t happen. I looked at texts so know it was arranged. My gut is telling me that this happens all the time and he doesn’t tell me.

OP posts:
MissBax · 21/11/2017 14:07

Are you going to ask him? I think you should! I wouldn't be able to keep quiet.

Original poster
Happyfoodie50 · 21/11/2017 15:07

Yes but will I look like a jealous nag

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 21/11/2017 15:08

Mention the girls name. Watch reaction!! You have no reason to feel jealous if he hasn’t been honest

MissBax · 21/11/2017 15:28

A nag? No of course not!! He's your OH and has lied, I think you deserve to know why! How long have you been together?

swingofthings · 21/11/2017 15:37

You're victim to the phenomenon by which you say that if he was honest with you, you wouldn't feel uneasy, and he avoids telling you because he thinks you'll be uneasy.

Maybe you are not totally honest with yourself when you say you'd be fine with the situation if he just told you. Would you really? Or would you be kind of ok, but still asking him a number of questions, expecting him to call you regularly, imagining things if you didn't hear, or you find a hair on his t-shirt etc...

He probably didn't tell you because he thought it would be easier. No questions, no wonder, no having to justify himself when from his point of view, there is nothing to justify at all.

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