Am I being silly

[Happyfoodie50]

Just want opinions really as to what’s normal.My partner working away for next few days up north Would anyone have a problem if they were driving up with someone, picking up from house and going with a female work colleague and didn’t mention it they were? We had a quick convo about this conference at weekend and he never mentioned it but I saw the texts arranging it on his phone.. I know I know shouldn’t be looking but gut feeling. I know people don’t need to tell you everything but would you be cool with it. I feel really anxious.

[Happyfoodie50]

That’s really good summary of how I feel swingofthings . I don’t know whether to be annoyed but my emotions are all over the place. My gut is telling me it’s not right to keep things especially when you talk about our day. He usually rings me when away. Always at a certain time and doesn’t answer phone if I contact him! When we’re together things are great but this trait of his screws with my head. If he rings tonight and I ask him about journey up he will talk about traffic and won’t even mention his female colleague. Shall I wait until he gets home before adding in her name, he’ll know I’ve looked at his phone!

[user21]

I would turn up at the hotel tbh

[ShatnersWig]

This is part of the problem if you take someone back after they've cheated on you. You can't help wondering when things like this happen, even if they turn out to be perfectly innocent.

Can't see why people want to live in a relationship where you're always wondering or not really trusting someone.

[Happyfoodie50]

Majority of times we are happy but I have tried separating and he always woos me back saying he loves me and my fault as I’m trying to control who he speaks to or spends time with at work. I really don’t think I’m like that as always am cool. It’s the hiding of information. He basically edits out all the bits involving other women he spends time with. I know he texts and meets colleagues for coffee and gives lifts to conferences only because I look at his phone. Nothing inappropriate seems to go on apart from abit of jokey banter. This is ok with me and equally don’t tell him details but he knows I have a good friend at work called Martin , I mention the postman that comes on my ward or when he comes to work stuff he recognises names of people. I’ve been to a couple of work things and it always amazes me how close he is with these colleagues. They’ll mention a meal out or a funny occasion at work and I’m completely in the dark. I’ll start thinking, he says he never socialises or I can’t recall that occasion and overthink it. My problem is he edits so much out his life that I don’t recognise other people’s interpretation of him. It’s a mind fuck. We spoke last night and he says it’s irellivant so why would he tell me. What’s funny is 5 people went 3 men and 2 females. Rest were catching train and other female is 54 and got train but his car companion is the 30 year old attractive one (looked her up on Facebook) .when I spoke to him he said he should of mentioned giving her a lift but then started getting annoyed and turned on me. I feel I have to let this go for peace of mind.

[MyBrilliantDisguise]

You are thinking of marrying a cheat and a liar? Really? Why would you do that?

Do you really think he'll stop lying to you once you're married?

Presumably you're in your 40s or so if your children are in university. Why would you tie yourself to someone you can't trust (not that you don't trust, that you can't trust) at that age?

You know better, don't you, than to tie yourself financially and legally to a man like that?

[ShatnersWig]

Sorry, OP, but you're a fool. You say it's a mindfuck. Yes - because YOU allow it. But if this is what you want the rest of your life to be, go for it, we can't stop you, clearly.

Another one of those "why did they bother posting?" threads. Seeing as doesn't matter what we say, you're going to let it go for "peace of mind".

Until the next time.

[HeckyPeck]

He sounds awful. Lying, not answering texts/calls in front of you, not answering the phone if you call.

Sorry, but he sounds like a cheat to me. Even if he's not a cheat he's a liar.

My ex was like this and I couldn't see it at the time, but now I look back and think how clear it was and how much better I am without him.

[Happyfoodie50]

Decided not going to marry , really had enough , meant let it go as the relationship but then I swap mindset and think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and tell myself to stop overthinking but can’t trust him but then really love him , which I didn’t , wish I did , wish I could walk away and not be heartbroken. Yes I’m late 40’s and yes I should know better

[nibora]

OP, I've had a look at your history. This man is making you paranoid, you would be fine with an honest person, I'm pretty sure of that, it's not you.

He lies, lies, lies and lies. When he's not lying he's stropping, sulking and making you doubt yourself.

This is your life, will always be your life, snooping and worrying, unless you put a stop to it. The good bits don't make up for the rubbish.

[wednesdayswench]

If it is innocent and he has hidden it from you is it because he knows you are very jealous and would kick off about it and it's just easier to say nothing. (You have checked his texts behind his back after all)

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

You need to find the courage to do what you know is the right thing.

You know what that is.

You CAN do it.

[ShatnersWig]

Actually, I've had a look at your posting history too. Two weeks ago you had a thread asking whether you are paranoid.

You are regularly posting on here asking about this relationship and on EVERY thread you are told this man is an arsehole. Yet a couple of weeks later you're back again with an almost identical thread. How many times do you need us to tell you? How many times will you make excuses or decide to just forget about it?

Sorry, you say you love him but you don't. It's not possible to love someone who treats you like shit. You may feel dependant in some way, or scared of being on your own, but whatever you have for this bloke, it ain't love.

Wake up and smell the coffee. We can't keep dishing out the same advice every couple of weeks. We'll get fed up of it.

[Annelind]

I agree with Shatner. This situation will make you ill, and your self esteem will dwindle until you become a doormat. Same old, same old. I would end it now, and gain contol of your life.

No more snooping, worrying, being lied too. Better alone than putting up with this.

[nibora]

You speak for yourself Shatner, come back as often as you need OP.

Sometimes it takes a while, always here to listen.

[Happyfoodie50]

I know maybe I’m in denial about not being bothered and he sees it in my expression and doesn’t tell me stuff. I wasn’t always like this. This was after he cheated. It was an emotional affair, just stopped before got physical and with a work colleague . Her husband contacted me on Facebook as had uncovered texts and secret meetings. He swears nothing physical but still class as cheating. I dumped him and he pursued me relentlessly until I gave in. We have 2 houses and we were planning on marriage next year. We share a dog , his kids and mine get on really well and things can be good. He tells me there is no one but me and never will be. He triggered this anxiety after discovered his friendship but about 2 yrs later after not looking at phone but then got the gut feeling I found some texts to a work colleague again. He Called her work wifey, that she made the best cake he had ever tasted and general praise and meeting up for coffee/drinks. Edits this information when talking about day.I let it go as innocent really but back of mind I thought he was too familiar with female colleagues. Always knows life history of everyone. Really detailed stuff, relationship stuff, where they live, age , stuff you only know if socialise or spending time with them.Will know life history of new girl in office within the first week off starting. He bought it into convo that she was getting married, knew place and date, fiancés name and her work history within 2 days and she didn’t even work with him. He’s mr quiet at home! Gosh does sound my thoughts are sending me down a rabbit hole! I realise I’ve got a complete trigger of emotions regarding his female work colleagues , happened before so I feel just waiting to happen again. I’m ok when working on ward and dealing with patients and love my job. Have 2 kids, nice house and good job but overwhelmed by my partners work friendships. All I asked when he befriended this woman before was please be transparent when working away and he’s just edits everything again.

[No2baking]

Do you often talk whilst he is travelling? Would be interesting if normally he chats on the phone; if he does whilst the colleague is in the car. If he chooses to ignore the calls.. that would be a red flag for me.

[Happyfoodie50]

Yes he calls me as got Bluetooth , he travels alot and will always chat on way home , he calls me ,we discuss functional stuff like what’s for tea or work , as she was there he ignored my call, I’ve come to the conclusion I need to let the relationship go. I think I’m menopausal/hormonal as well as looking back at my posts I have a period of paranoia about this relationship then it switches off and about each month , Can the menopause affect your mental health?

[ShatnersWig]

nibora Sometimes people need a hypothetical slap across the face with a wet fish on MN. Been here 7 years and seen it time and time again. Sometimes people need a bit of blunt speaking because otherwise it does become a never-ending circle and the OP gets worse and worse. Because the majority of people won't have looked at the full posting history and realise just what a shit this man is and how totally worn down the OP has become and if she doesn't break away soon, she never will. If all the OP's previous threads were just posted on the one, so that everyone saw the full story, everyone would be shrieking GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.

[nibora]

He sounds like a man with a huge ego, he has to feel admired and needed by lots of women, it's what validates him. That won't change.

You either accept it or you don't. Trying to accept it is really not working for you.

I have to say though that many of us have worked with men like this, they're often regarded as a bit sleazy and "His poor wife, how does she put up with him?", gets voiced occasionally.

[Happyfoodie50]

He got home this morning, didn’t ring from car like he usually does when on own but rang once he was home. I didn’t answer at first as was just leaving for work. Returned call but he didn’t answer. I’m now at work and have to put a smile on as deal with patients all day.I hate how my gut feels. I just have to have the talk but it’s hard. I just chicken out. Gloss it over and then something else concerns me and get paranoid and post on here. I can see the cycle but need to break it.