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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The divorce proceedings are all my fault

32 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 15/11/2017 08:44

So I have been told this morning. My husband broke a glass last night and left bits of glass all over the floor so I told him to clear them up. He told me to do it myself and I said I was sick of tidying up after him. He told me he was the victim and everything was my fault. Now he has stormed out. He didn't explode into vitriol, but it was there. He said how much he hated me being in the house and how he wished I would leave.

OP posts:
reachforthestarseveryday · 15/11/2017 08:45

So you're already divorcing? Sounds like a good plan.

Do you have to live together, or can he move out?

LexieLulu · 15/11/2017 08:47

The title doesn't tie in to your first comment? Are you getting divorced?

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2017 08:48

I’m a bit confused-what is your current situation?

rotavixsucks · 15/11/2017 08:48

Flowers Feel for you Easy.

I don't know the background but of course your feelings are valid and it is unfair of him to blame everything on you.

Him doing that says a lot about him as a person if anything he sounds emotionally abusive...you probably don't feel like it at the moment but you'll be better off without him. Flowers

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 15/11/2017 09:13

Yes, divorce proceedings are in place. Not before time. The final straw that broke the camel's back was when my daughter assaulted me in public and blamed me. My husband was watching and when we arrived home he lay into me in front of the children saying I deserved to be attacked and that it was all my fault. My daughter photographed the injuries as I was shaking too much to hold a camera.

A couple of weeks later I told my husband I wanted a divorce as really I couldn't live with someone who condoned the violence of a child against a parent. He stonewalled me. His passive aggression is without bounds and he can fill the house with a sour mood. I prodded him for a response and he dialled 999, and had me arrested. He then found a solictor to write to me to with a non mol and occupation order.

I was advised to make a statement, and since then I have had several meetings with the police about his behaviour.

He has punched me a couple of times, enough to bruise, years and years ago to make me shut up when I didn't agree with him. Since then he has used sulks and words. His ideas of consent are peculiar.

OP posts:
reachforthestarseveryday · 15/11/2017 09:38

So you have two dd? or did the dd who attacked you then take pics of your injuroes??

I'm confused. Why have you had several meetings with the police about his behaviour? What's he done to warrant that?

And why are you still living with him? What has your solicitor advised? What was the result of his application for a non mol and occupation order???

pog100 · 15/11/2017 09:39

It would be much easier for people to help and advise or be sympathetic if you kept to one thread, it's confusing when you start a new one every week. I can't remember exactly what stage you are at but you need to not be living together at this stage if at all possible.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 15/11/2017 10:00

I understand Pog. I am deleting history most days on my computer. I can only apologise if this angers or upsets you. This is the last of my intentions.
Anyway my husband has raged off, who knows where or what he is thinking next.

I am going to sign off because I don't want to annoy anyone else.

OP posts:
pog100 · 15/11/2017 11:09

I am sorry, it doesn't anger or upset me, far from it. I feel desperately sorry for you and am all on your side. I have read your other threads and understand, it's just that the majority of the people on a new thread won't know the background. Anyway, clearing your history is very sensible and I apologise for sounding upset. Please use MN as much as you want!

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 15/11/2017 12:21

The confusion is probably as much to do with my muddled mind. Yesterday I was feeling the most normal I've felt for a really long time. Today that feeling vanished. I've just seen my husband's car with a massive dent in the back. I expect he's furious and will no doubt blame me. If I had the power to make him do things, I could make him do good things as well. It doesn't seem to work that way though.

It is horrible being in limbo. I asked my WA rep what happens if the police NFA the whole affair. If my husband gets to know if his case is NFA'd, he will be gloating and hold it absolutely against me. When so many men get away with terrorising and sexually assaulting and raping women, it is a possibility.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 15/11/2017 12:52

Do you ave to stay in the house ? Can you not report his violence to the police and get him away from you ?

blackteasplease · 15/11/2017 15:21

How can he be in the house with you and serve a non mol?

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 15/11/2017 15:26

He is being investigated by the police for his behaviour. He is mirroring everything. If he is behaving in a negative way, he will say it's what I am doing. So I have the power to make him do all sorts of nasty thingsHmm and he has no responsibility over his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 16/11/2017 13:54

Just spoken to PC. The case has been NFA'd. My husband will not know that he has been under investigation and there is little I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 16/11/2017 18:21

Sadly it seems the CPS need a snuff movie with blood on the carpet as evidence. The reports to school, drs appts, emails to therapists explaining what was going on.. don't count. So my husband has a free rein to do it all again.

OP posts:
Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 16/11/2017 18:24

I told the schools, the gp, took the children... emailed various therapists about what was going on. I feel utterly let down.

OP posts:
goingbonkers123 · 16/11/2017 18:32

I’m sorry but I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about...can you start from the beginning then we can be helpful?

butterfly56 · 16/11/2017 18:56

OP just leave and get your life back. Flowers

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 16/11/2017 19:40

I can't just leave. I have nowhere to go. The house needs to be sold and I cannot prepare it for sale with my husband in it. I will speak to my solicitor in the morning I hope. Bloody hell. The police believe what I am saying, but they need concrete evidence for a prosecution. What the hell is the point in reporting to the police, who have been wonderful, but cannot do anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/11/2017 08:58

Small thing indeed, but typical. My husband does not have a car at the moment. He assumes he can drive mine, which he hates. I told him he needed to make sure he was insured. Ouch.
Lately he has been breaking a lot of things. I think out of carelessness and I do not trust him.
There is enough dog food to last the weekend and he is making problems. This is typical of him. I said there were alternatives, that he could get dog food delivered and get a small bag if he needs to. Of course I am being obstructive. Of course I am to blame. I cannot be held responsible for his lack of thought. I cannot be held responsible for him not allowing me to use the big car, or for his hiding keys from me. His first response to not getting his own way is to blame someone else. I can see that there is enough food to last the weekend.
He also shouted at me to close the joint account. I cannot do this on my own.

OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 18/11/2017 13:59

I'm so so so disgusted OP. You'd think that was enough proof, you'd think you'd be getting major fucking help to get out of there. If you're anywhere near me I will help you. I know how shit it is and I've been through the system so have a level of understanding. I mean it, if I can help with anything I'm here. He is extremely dangerous and I'm worried for your safety, his manipulation has no bounds and now you're being assaulted by your child. He doesn't have to hit you now because the kids have been conditioned to do it for him.

Iooselipssinkships · 18/11/2017 14:00

You don't have to do it on your own. The offer will always be there. Flowers

WellThisIsShit · 18/11/2017 15:41

Sounds awful. Can you see an end to this? Are you travelling through this awful time so you can come out the other side? Or are you stuck with no way out?

I can see how staying in the house would be awful but a necessary evil to make sure it’s sold and you get the right amount of the proceeds.

But if this won’t happen, I do wonder whether you should cut your losses and get out?

Basically, it sounds like you’re going through hell.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 19/11/2017 23:37

I'm seeing my solicitor in the morning and will catch up with WA this week. I've been away with my elder daughter this weekend and we have had a lovely time. I usually do have lovely times when I am away with the dds and the dogs.
I have lost my breath. Of that I am in no doubt. I play a wind instrument and have been unable to blow. The whole thing is tight. What bloody hell. At least over the weekend I spent a day sorting that one out. It was a wonderful way to spend a day!

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 20/11/2017 04:44

OP. I feel desperately sorry for you but you need to re-read what you’ve written. Take a deep breath. You seem to be in panic mode. You can’t keep living with your husband. It’s ridiculous. Tell him to move out. Get an estate agent inand get the thing on the market. At least then he will know you are serious. Get divorce papers served. All of this is severely affecting your DDs. One has assaulted you?!! It’s no way to live. All of this is no way to live. You can move into rented and serve divorce papers from there? You don’t have to live this way.