Fed up of his constant references about his exes

[Nosocksevermatchup]

I'm in the very early stages of a new relationship. We're getting on well, everything is good...apart from he keeps telling me about things he did with his ex wife or previous girlfriends, holidays they went on together, experiences they had etc. I realise that getting to know someone is getting to know their past too, but this is annoying me. I feel as though I can't compete and he's always thinking about the past. He also tells me his ex did some modelling and how vivacious another one was. It's like he's trying to make me jealous or impress me, I'm not sure.
I know I sound a bit paranoid and jealous, which is why I haven't said anything so far.

I think you need to say something. It is possible to say you have travelled somewhere, eg, without mentioning a previous partner.

He's trying to make you insecure about yourself so in turn you feel honoured to be with him. Red flag run away let him go back to the play boy mansion

And...none of the previous relationships actually worked long-term did they!

He's not necessarily being malicious- far better that he speaks well of exes than slagging them off. But you could mention that you find it a little ungentlemany and see if he takes the hint.

My DH mentioned his ex on a daily basis for the first 3 months of our relationship. He wasn’t doing it in a malicious way, but seemed to be out of habit, eg if I cried at a sad movie, he’d say “oh Julie used to do that too.” I finally exploded one evening, told him how irritating it was, and he hasn’t mentioned her since, 4 years later.

Agree with Pinkpillows 100%, my ex did this to me, I was very young and didn’t have a clue about red flags. It’s a form of negging to make you feel insecure...please think very seriously about staying with this guy. I’m still recovering from the trauma of being with my ex, the mind games and emotional abuse were horrendous.

I think he's probably insecure. I'd be annoyed if I were you xx

Thanks, yes I'm going to say something next time he mentions an ex. I should have done this already as he clearly thinks it's okay. I've barely mentioned any of my previous partners, only when it was necessary.

I do think it's ungentlemanly and it is making me feel inferior. It's the last thing I need really.

How do I phrase it? I need a stock phrase so I'm ready for it. If he's a bit arsey after it or if he continues I'm ending it. I've spent the past two years building myself up after the breakdown of a 20 plus year relationship. I need someone who makes me feel great, not the opposite.

It really might not be malicious. If they were together a long time it might be habit or he may not be over her. If she’s at the forefront of his mind that he mentions her a lot it’s because he thinks about her often! That there is your Red flag.

If it was just one very recent ex, I could see that perhaps mentioning things they did together/places they went is just a habit or he's still not quite over her. However, constantly saying how amazing his exes are seems like a red flag as PinkPillows says.

My awful ex did this a lot- especially if he knew that there was something I was already insecure about (eg. I was a bit self conscious about being tall- so he tactfully told me not to wear heels and that his ex was only 5ft1 which made her extremely feminine and just the sort of girl that everyone fell in love with). He also told me that he always felt he had to make a lot of effort with his exes because so many men fancied them- it was all a lot easier with me apparently!

Could you bring it up in a casual/jokey way eg tomorrow say “Gosh are you feeling ok today? It’s lunchtime and you haven’t mentioned Susan yet? Is something wrong?”

Or just be honest and tell him, next time he mentions an ex, that you are not interested in his exes.

He might not realise he is doing it so yes mention it. Or He might still be hung up on his exes or maybe he is just a really boring person.

My now dh was cheated on by all exes - he used to tell me places they had been - I took it as he was trying to make it clear he made effort in the relationships and he wasn't a loser - I told him I would rather not hear about his past expeditions but concentrate on what plans he had for us!! Simple and it worked!!

Mine took me back to his house and he still had her fucking picture on the wall.
He’s now my ex 😂

Thanks everyone. I'm not seeing him til Friday evening, so I'm going to mention it then. I'll decide whether to go jokey or tell him straight.

He's said he finds it hard to give compliments, and that's certainly been the case with me! I've just thought until now that he doesn't want to get too involved too quickly as he's been hurt recently and it's a safety mechanism.
He's even shown me pictures of him and his ex wife when they first met, all loved up on holiday! He 'accidentally' showed me a picture of a recent ex he still has on his phone that I don't think he's over yet.

Eugh bin him. He sounds insufferable. 'Finds it hard to give compliments' wtf

another "bin him" jeez. accidentally showing you pictures of his ex, telling you their modelling history, he sounds like a completely self-centred twat at best, with a dose of "negging" on the side at worst. I'm sorry but I don't think he's serious.

I wonder why all these supermodels moved on ...

An ex of mine took me back to his. There on the side was a picture of him and his wife. He told me it was ‘for the children’s sake’

The photo remained there for at least 9 months (for the children’s sake) until he stick something over the top of it.

I was with him for 3 years, he still wasn’t over his wife. Wish I’d really taken notice.

Get rid OP

No compliments. Recent bad break up. Accidental showing you photo of ex.

Very early stage relationship. He sounds like much too much hard work to me.

If he doesn't give compliments then how can you tell whether he thinks you are the bee's knees and wants more or whether he's not that into you?

It seems to be all about him and his perspective. You are not in his viewfinder. All you need to say is "Good Bye" he may not even notice your absence

Next time he mentions an ex, regale him with a story about some of yours, maybe John from Cheadle who had a massive dick, or Brian from Stoke who drove the most amazing Jag etc etc. Or alternatively just dump the insensitive twat??

I talked about my exes when I met my now dh. I was just in the habit of it and hadn't ever thought not to as to me it was the same as mentioning friends and family - looking back I'm horrified at myself! My dh told me pretty bluntly a couple of months in that it was putting him off me and that he didn't want to hear anything about my exes and I felt awful because of course I'd have hated it if he'd been like that. I stopped straight away and though we occasionally both might mention an ex now and then I've completely stopped the thoughtless name dropping. I'd tell him clearly that it's bothering you and makes him seem hung up on his exes - if he cares about you he will be embarrassed and stop doing it.

You could try this.....

ask.metafilter.com/114678/How-do-I-deal-with-a-friend-who-constantly-criticizes-me#1646736

but you are totally right - if he takes it the wrong way and gets annoyed he's waving the red flags.

I think it is what Pinkpillows says - he is trying to make you feel grateful he’s dating you by breaking you down. My ex did that to me, it took a very long time to build my confidence back ;-)