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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fed up of his constant references about his exes

51 replies

Nosocksevermatchup · 14/11/2017 18:29

I'm in the very early stages of a new relationship. We're getting on well, everything is good...apart from he keeps telling me about things he did with his ex wife or previous girlfriends, holidays they went on together, experiences they had etc. I realise that getting to know someone is getting to know their past too, but this is annoying me. I feel as though I can't compete and he's always thinking about the past. He also tells me his ex did some modelling and how vivacious another one was. It's like he's trying to make me jealous or impress me, I'm not sure.
I know I sound a bit paranoid and jealous, which is why I haven't said anything so far.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2017 09:23

Why oh why oh why are you even thinking of seeing him again?
Red flags flying everywhere.
Cancel the date on Friday.
Block, Ignore, Delete.
Honestly, there are far better men out there.
This one is not ready for a relationship.
Just 1 text 'This isn't working for me' then leave him be!

mummyretired · 15/11/2017 09:56

Maybe ask whether he wants to tell his next date how wonderful you were?

But seriously, he may not realise he's doing it. Tell him you aren't sure how to take it and want him to live in the present and focus on your relationship now, not the past. Volunteer to flag it up to him when he unthinkingly backslides!

IhaveapenIhavepineapple · 15/11/2017 10:00

Sounds like a dobber.

marciagetscreamed · 15/11/2017 14:48

*How do I phrase it?
*
“Do you know, I really couldn’t give a fuck?”

yetmorecrap · 15/11/2017 16:00

its actually quite difficult if you have been together for a decent length of time to bring up events and holidays etc without mentioning who you were with, although it does lessen. Even after 22 years I will still very occasionally say , oh J (1st husband) liked that film too etc. However i do think its bad form to keep bringing them up repetitively, especially when you first meet someone. I know friends have mentioned that they have had first dates that were nothing but talk of the ex.

Nosocksevermatchup · 16/11/2017 07:10

Thanks everyone. I'm going to bring it up when I next see him. I've nothing to lose really as I don't want to see him again if he continues like this. He seems really keen and attentive in the things he does, like plans lovely dates, but seems quite cold at other times too.

OP posts:
heron98 · 16/11/2017 11:33

I dunno, I talk about my ex quite a bit, I think and I have been with my DP for 7 years. I was with my ex for a long time so naturally when I talk about stuff in the past his name crops up too. It doesn't mean anything.

mickhucknallspinkpancakes · 16/11/2017 12:58

Only you know the guy so I think all points here could be relevant depending on his personality and how the conversation diverts to the ex.

My partner refers to his first love during their school years. He used to a lot at the beginning, but I agree with a previous poster, in the context it was a bit annoying but on the whole it was refreshing to hear a person talk with such nice feeling and respect. Rather than they were all bitches etc etc

He did on a few occasions speak about how he put his ex wife on a pedestal and special gifts he hand made for her (I had to give him a list for Christmas 😂) and other wonderful things about her...how artistic she was, her love of birds and jigsaws....

The Disney Princess spiel got a bit much one day & unfortunately it made me a bit passive aggressive. I replied “she sounds AMAZING...you should marry her!! Oh no, hang on......”

He got the point.

The last thing he mentioned was her smelly feet.😂

ShirellesFan · 16/11/2017 13:19

seems quite cold at other times too listen to your gut OP. only you know for sure but hot and cold is usually a sign of ambivalence and flakiness, and this on top of the other stuff ...

FizzyGreenWater · 16/11/2017 14:01

I'd go with the following: 'Ok I think it's probably best to bring this up before we go any further. You talk about your exes a lot. I'm concerned that you maybe need more time to get over these relationships if you feel you have to refer to them constantly? Or would you say that you're the type to live in the past a bit? Either way you do sound a bit nervous of starting something new, so I'm not sure this is going to work. What's your take on that?'

Basically, you bring it up without once referring to you, how it makes you feel - you make it completely his issue and one he has to defend for himself. And you definitely make it sound like a major downside, not something YOU have to work through or get over, but something that marks him down in the 'potential partner' stakes. And you don't get angry or jealous- you are concerned for him but not invested. Ice queen psychoanalysis 😁

PastoralCare · 16/11/2017 15:27

Best case scenario he's doing either because of

1- narcissism
Or
2- to make you think he's really worth it (look at what other women did with me)

Either way it's an annoying trait to say the least.

If he doesn't quit doing so I'd reconsider my long term plans with him.

butterfly56 · 16/11/2017 16:07

He comes across as insecure and some people with this problem feel that they have to project that insecurity onto their partner by always talking about their exes'.
IME this only gets worse as the relationship goes on and the more you seem reasonable with him about it the more he will do it.

ShirellesFan · 16/11/2017 16:41

Ice queen psychoanalysis Ooooo, I'm liking that one FizzyGreen!

TheZeppo · 16/11/2017 16:55

Not over her.

My ex did this constantly. Last I heard, it wrecked his latest relationship too. His theory is it's good for the kids 🙄(Who were nowhere to be seen during these conversations!)

Nosocksevermatchup · 16/11/2017 18:45

Excellent advice from everyone. I love the ice queen psychoanalysis Grin.
He's told me he has a 'thing' for a certain look in a woman, basically the opposite of how I look!
Messaged him earlier with something upsetting that happened at work today. He read it two hours ago..no reply Confused

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/11/2017 18:48

He's just not into you

Nosocksevermatchup · 16/11/2017 18:57

Yep. I know now. He's just into himself and the image he wants me to see.
I'm going to end it when I see him. I just want to tell him what I think of the way he's been. Never had such insensitive behaviour from a man before!

OP posts:
Nosocksevermatchup · 16/11/2017 18:59

Glad he's shown his true colours early on, rather than finding out later. I think I'm filling in time until someone more exciting comes along.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/11/2017 19:05

I like your style Wink

MyBeautifulMohawk · 16/11/2017 20:42

Nosocks i had this with an ex too.

He'd always dated beautiful French and Italian women (he was Italian and had a second home in the south of France) - the sort od women who look gorgeous on yachts wearing bikinis.

Basically the opposite of me in every way.

I ended it. But i never really got to the bottom of why he was with me for nearly a year... (well i can guess...)

Queenofthedrivensnow · 16/11/2017 22:53

I think mentioning they travelled somewhere is normal. It’s just factual. Saying blah was ‘vivacious’ urgh that’s wat too much you need to say something

Paisleyteddy · 17/11/2017 01:27

It’s a subtle control/“negging” thing, with the idea that you’re going to feel “inferior” after a while to work hard to impress him. I’d take a lot of it with a pinch of salt.

I had an ex whose ex wife was a “successful model” with A listers falling at her feet whenever she walked into a room. He himself had all these stunning younger women fall in love with him (and the photos to match) etc.

Thing is. Ex wife had “done some modelling work” (sort of her doing a lot of the chasing and legwork rather than being “scouted”) but couldn’t make a living from it so worked in HR.

Yes I’m sure she was attractive/striking enough, but she was actually breadwinner for her new husband. Which is fine! But not exactly as he’d chosen to portray it.

Ditto with all these “attractive younger women” who were “seriously into him”. He had a high profile job in a foreign country so I think there was a lot of “novelty value” in him rather than anything serious.

As time went in, I realised he actually was a bit of a fantasist and didn’t want to admit that he just was a “ok bloke with an averagely attractive ex wife and daughters” Like all of us!

I also think there was a strong element of gaslighting/ trying to get me to be insecure there.

Despite me generally ignoring the comments/ being complimentary/polite as I’m very confident, if I got “checked out” on the street or in a bar (I’m a personable enough woman meself Wink) he’d sort of start getting twitchy and start a randomly animated conversation with the barmaid to try to “knock me down”

It’s just weird and will only get worse. He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing and will start claiming you’re “jealous” when it’s him setting you up. Get rid.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/11/2017 11:26

He's told me he has a 'thing' for a certain look in a woman, basically the opposite of how I look!

Haha! Oh how clumsy. Can't even neg with any degree of finesse Grin

Step on the worm - put it out of its misery :)

Nosocksevermatchup · 18/11/2017 12:44

So, a quick update.
I saw him and told him everything that was pissing me off. He'd cooked a lovely meal when I arrived. He was very apologetic, said he really liked me, but found it difficult to give compliments and told he'd been told he was cold and insensitive etc before! I asked why he hadn't changed then. He said he was going to try. Said he thought I was lovely and was genuinely embarrassed and sorry about the way he'd behaved.
Re the 'look' he preferred, he said all his past partners looked different, he doesn't have a type, he loves the way i look. Nit just finds it difficult to say. He didn't want me to feel bad.
He said he shows how much he cares by 'doing' rather than saying - making me meals, looking after me, taking me to lovely places, organising dates. He said he'd now say things rather than just do them.
The outcome is that he's on probation and he knows that I won't put up with it.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 19/11/2017 17:34

Honestly - I'd keep looking!

On probation, at this stage? Watching out for signs of negging and messing around?

Nope, set the bar higher.