Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

1 weeks notice to see DC - is this reasonable notice?

30 replies

donners312 · 08/11/2017 19:23

My EX pisses about with contact.

He has demanded to see them next weekend but they have a family party and have told him they want to see their cousins instead.

But thinking about it he can't expect them to not have plans one week away can he? I know he is going to go up the wall and say i am stopping them seeing him. They say they don't want to see him full stop but i am reluctant to tell him that for fear of making everything worse?

OP posts:
HoHoHoHo · 08/11/2017 19:31

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to ask, even at a days notice. They are his children too. However, demanding and expecting you to cancel plans and him pissing about is of course unreasonable.

Why don't they want to see him? Are they old enough to make the choice for themselves?

SandyY2K · 08/11/2017 19:35

So he doesnt have regular contact or visitation I take it?

pointythings · 08/11/2017 19:36

If he pisses about then of course they are entitled to make their own plans And if he wants to maintain a relationship with them, he has to accept that.

How old are they?

Original poster
donners312 · 08/11/2017 19:42

They are 11 and 13.

He has demanded for the past 6 months that i take the DC to him (6 hours away).

The DC don't want to see him for a few reasons, he always gets them down, he has not been much of a Dad last couple of years and they have just got on with their own lives really.

He is VERY emotionally and financially abusive and long story short he doesn't actually appear to care about them at all I doubt he will even come next weekend but he will majorly kick off now they have said they don't want to see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/11/2017 19:43

Just to give you some idea he has seen them about 6 times in the past 2.5 years.

OP posts:
Atenco · 08/11/2017 20:24

One week's notice sounds fine for me, but I never plan very much in advance. If your children don't want to see him, that is concerning. Are they still bitter from the divorce?

Original poster
donners312 · 08/11/2017 21:18

No they are not bitter - i would say they have just got on with their life and he isn't part of it really.

I have asked him for a schedule to see the DC until i am blue in the face but he has refused to come and see them and insisted i take them to him.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 08/11/2017 21:21

Nah it's okay for him to ask but no problem for you to say we already have plans. I take it there's no court order? Would be good to keep it out of court for another year or so. Then again, if he's seen them 6 times in 20.5 years, he's unlikely to bother with court.

Original poster
donners312 · 08/11/2017 21:28

There is a court order. He lied about where he lived and said he had no job/money (whilst living in a £2 million house) and that he could only see the DC if i took them to him which the court agreed .

But i am not travelling 6 hours so he can see the kids when they don't want to and i also cannot afford it.

I have not followed the court order and waiting to see if he takes it back to court.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/11/2017 21:30

The DC said they didn't want go and see him and now for the first time he has said he will come and see them (suspicious and doubt he will) and now the DC have said they still don't want to see him as they want to continue with the plans we have (plus they also just can't be bothered to see him)

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 08/11/2017 21:37

If they will see him at a later date, I would offer that. It wouldn't be good to return to court in those circumstances. When was the order issued?

pointythings · 08/11/2017 21:39

If he takes it to court, your DC are of an age where they have a right to be heard in court, and they will be able to state how they feel. It isn't automatic that your ex should have contact with them - contact is for the benefit of the child, not the parent.

Original poster
donners312 · 09/11/2017 09:08

thanks yes that is a good point and one i need to remember.

So if they don't want to see him then they shouldn't be made to - he adds nothing to their life but i do want to do the right thing (by them obviously not him).

God its so hard isn't it.

OP posts:
sothisisnew · 09/11/2017 10:54

Does the order say anything about when he can see them? Is it specific dates?

Butterymuffin · 09/11/2017 10:58

If he won't stir his arse to travel to them ever then that's pretty shit. Could you offer a later date where you meet him at a halfway location? So town/city/retail park where they could spend some time with him while you go off and come back later? If he won't travel even halfway that at least shows you made a reasonable compromise offer and he wouldn't have it.

RunningOutOfCharge · 09/11/2017 11:02

Be careful about breaking court orders though!

LoverOfCake · 09/11/2017 11:07

So what does the court order state in terms of the frequency with which he you are supposed to take the DC to him?

TBH given there is a court order in place which states that you have to drive them to him you are on dodgy ground if you decide to go against that, so it might be adviseable to agree on this occasion with a view to going back to court on the basis that the children don't want to see him.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 09/11/2017 11:10

Was it your dh who claimed to be unemployed but was loaded and court said you must fund travel and do it?

eyebrowsonfleek · 09/11/2017 11:46

He isn’t being unreasonable to ask but he’s very unreasonable to see the kids 6 times in 2.5 years and kick off that they won’t change plans. He’s also unreasonable to deceive the court.

I would also wait until he takes you back to court. The children’s wishes would be taken into account and thanks to sites like NetHousePrices, you’d be able to prove that he lwould bed in a £2million house so isn’t too poor to travel.

Mumsnut · 09/11/2017 11:50

What was the address he gave to the Court? It seems from what you said that he convinced them he lived much closer. If so I'd take them to that address and just bring them back when no-one answers. Take a vid, even.

VimFuego101 · 09/11/2017 11:51

He's entitled to ask, but can't really be surprised if they have plans.

Original poster
donners312 · 09/11/2017 13:22

At the court he said he was sleeping on his friends floor 6 hours away - boo hoo!! couldn't afford to travel (sob!)

Reality - lived just over an hour away with OW in a mansion. She was keeping him so he didn't need to work they went on loads of holidays and basically my two were left to whistle!!

I don't think the court could care less IME.

OP posts:
greenberet · 09/11/2017 13:53

Hi donners could he have got wind of the family party by any chance or knew it may be coming up - is it for a big birthday or something

Sound like he's trying to muck you about knowing full well you go into panic as don't want to fall foul of the court order - you know you want to tell him to F off but there's this little voice in the back of your head that's telling u be careful of the courts _ as we both know full well there is no guarantee as to what way they will swing.

I'd be inclined to write back and say great that you want to see the kids, seeing as you haven't seen them since xxx or requested too however next weekend is not good as their is a family party that we have already committed to and the girls are really looking forward to seeing cousins etc. As you know I have t been able to afford to bring the kids\no car/ whatever you can justify for the scheduled contact by the court

I'm happy to agree an alternative weekend provided the kids are happy with this but can you give more than a week's notice as with other commitments e.g. Friends parties whatever else you can add in it puts unnecessary pressure on the kids to choose. A months notice would be better and confirm where you will be

This way you've covered your arse and Hopefully he may disappear back into the woodwork

Original poster
donners312 · 09/11/2017 17:17

Greenbelt - I actually said to my friend i am sure he is spying on me somehow. I idid find spyware on my pc when we were married but i don't see how he could do it now TBH but i would swear he knows as it seems like too much of a coincidence. He has been steadfast in his refusal to come here and now hers the one weekend we are not.

Hows things with you??

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 09/11/2017 17:34

Is the event on social media? Someone with profile wide open? Have you had phone and laptops checked for keyloggers? Could he have access to your router? Has he sent the DCs back with any new electronic devices or ports/bridges?