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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help..... been offered a new start.....

43 replies

Mumoftwoboys31 · 08/11/2017 12:20

Hi, I really need some help. I am married and have been for 11years, I have two small children. Things have been tough between my husband and I for the past year or so, ultimately leading to blazing rows and a lot of nasty words. Long story short, through the powers of Facebook I started chatting to an old school friend who moved to the US when we were both still at school, we seem to have a great rapport and I love talking to him. He knows about my problems at all. Yesterday he said to me that he could offer me a way out, a one way ticket to the states for me and my boys, if I want it.... now I can’t stop thinking about him and what he has said. I want so much more than what I have but I have to think about my boys. Help please!! Thanks x

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/11/2017 12:23

Be very careful. I don't think you will just be able to take your joint children if your husband doesn't agree, and presumably he won't. Also, there will will residency requirements/visa considerations to your living there.

RainyApril · 08/11/2017 12:25

Are you mad?

A one way ticket to the States, but then what happens?

Where will you live and work?

Will you be relying on his charity, because that seems dangerous.What if your friendship with him doesn't last?

What if your boys hate it? What if you all hate it but can't afford three tickets home?

If you're not happy in your marriage start making plans to leave. In time you can visit your friend or look into emigration eventually, but not now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2017 12:25

Do not accept such an offer tempting though it looks to you from this man. You do not know this person and you could well be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

What has been happening in your marriage for the past year or so?. Have you basically grown apart or is there abuse within it?. Why are you and your H still together?. What do you want to teach your boys about relationships and what are they learning from the two of you?

averageguy1 · 08/11/2017 12:26

IF this is a serious post what about your DH and his relationship with his children in all of this daydream . If you are unhappy end your marriage instead of running away to the unknown ...

gingerbreadmam · 08/11/2017 12:26

If you want to leave your husband - leave him. Don't leave him for somebody else. Better still tell your husband what you have been upto and he will leave you.

Are you thinking about your children at all in this?

Catalufa · 08/11/2017 12:26

I think you need to try and sort things out with your husband, or else split up, before you even give another thought to this other mad.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/11/2017 12:26

Don't be daft! For one thing you can't just take your children to a foreign country without permission from your partner. And then have you never heard of Green Cards?

Catalufa · 08/11/2017 12:27

Man not mad!

Theworldisfullofidiots · 08/11/2017 12:27

How will you work? Green card and all that?

Can see why tempting but the practicalities and the reality of your children's contact with their father would need to be thought through.

sooperdooper · 08/11/2017 12:28

Customs in the US wouldn't let you in with a one way ticket and no way of suppprting yourselves over there, you won't have a work visa, and your friend can't support you financially surely

I think even if you did it you'd be turned back before you stepped out of the airport

Bonez · 08/11/2017 12:28

Very unfair if you to consider dragging your kids away from their father and uprooting their lives for your own selfish reasons.

Mirrormirrorotw · 08/11/2017 12:30

You're both thinking about your boys.

You sound desperate and this man is providing a way out and a warm set of arms to run to but stop and think:

You're uprooting your children
You're putting yourself in a hugely vulnerable position - what happens if it all goes tits up? What security do you have behind you?
You leave the country with your children without the blessing of their other parent and you're guilty of parental kidnapping and subject to Hague Convention proceedings.

You're unhappy - I get that and you may well be best off splitting with your husband but running from a frying pan into the fire is not the answer. You are thinking with your bits and not your head. You do this and you are immediately looking like an irresponsible parent who puts their needs first.

What can you do now to start putting your ducks in a row to start divorce proceedings whilst putting your children first?

overnightangel · 08/11/2017 12:33

This is insanity. How long since you’ve seen him? If you e been married 11 years I assume at least 15 years. People change between the ages of 16 and 30.
Don’t let your desperation make you do something stupid. Anyway given the whole visas/custody thing (I’m assuming your husband’s lawyer may have something to say about you taking his children to the other side of the world to live a man that (let’s be honest) neither of you know) this is nothing but a pipe dream. Start being practical

overnightangel · 08/11/2017 12:33

Sorry if that came across as harsh , didn’t intend to be, but please have a sit down and think

ChickenMom · 08/11/2017 12:35

You can't just go live in the US. My best friend lives and works in the USA and it took her years to get her green card even though she is properly employed over there and very well paid and has no dependants. There is no NHS or free health care out there. No social services. Where will you live? What happens if one of your kids get sick? Access to medical care is very expensive. It is very doubtful they would let you past customs. I went to Texas this year to visit my friend. I was on my own, husband and kids at home, I had a return ticket...,all above board and they grilled me. Proper interrogation. Who paid for my ticket. Why wasn't my husband with me. Where are you staying. Etc etc...on and on...you ain't getting in with a one way ticket plus kids hon. Won't happen. The USA are now super vigilant since Trump became president. If you want to move out there, you need to google search what you need to do before you get on that plane

Original poster
Mumoftwoboys31 · 08/11/2017 12:36

Thank you everyone. Putting it down in writing does make it sound and look mad. I am unhappy, my relationship is not good, so much so I have been seeing a counsellor who also got SS involved due to my husbands temper. I know he is only trying to be nice and I suppose the attention has been welcome. I’m a nurse by profession so wouldn’t be relying on anyone’s charity... however I agree that it is probably just a pipe dream and yes my children do belong in the UK so they can see their father.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 08/11/2017 12:37

Been very cautious, why would you really be considering this? Massive high risk.

When you are in a bad place it's natural to want a quick fix but you must apply time and thought to any life changing decisions.

You want more than you have but there is never a quick fix to ending a marriage especially with children.

Firstly stop engaging with this man, it's an emotional affair.
Either commit to working on your marriage perhaps using counselling or decide to separate.

If you decide to separatwme, get your single life sorted, divorce your husband, be prepared to be alone, settle your boys into separation and then look at this man as a possible new partner.

If he doesn't have children why are you one needing to move?
You may not be able to get your husband or a court to agree to taking the children to the US.

FairNotFair · 08/11/2017 12:37

Leaving out the practicalities- and real life is not a second-rate chick-lit novel - nobody sane would take such a gamble when children are involved Confused

ChickenMom · 08/11/2017 12:38

and when I say expensive I mean it. A colleague of my husband is a multi millionaire. His baby boy was poorly and needed intensive care and it almost made him bankrupt. We aren't talking £20 for a prescription. If one of your kids gets hit by a car or has an accident sand you've got no health cover you are properly screwed. Plus have you looked at how much it costs to get health insurance to live out there for a year for a family? I have. Hope you have thousands to spare.

Blackcatonthesofa · 08/11/2017 12:58

Are you kidding me?

  1. According to the Hague convention your DH can stop you from taking the kids out of tge country.
  2. If you don't like your marriage you divorce. You don't go running to some stranger. You are old enough to take care of yourself. Be an adult and do so!
  3. Don't believe people at the drop of a hat.
eyebrowsonfleek · 08/11/2017 15:56

Split up with your h and use the situation to write a chick lit novel. 😂
You can’t just leave for America. The boys need their Dad, you haven’t got a visa to work there and I’m guessing that you don’t have enough savings to buy health insurance, rent a place etc. I’m not going to even go into your “friend’s” possible motives. He may be a nice person giving you charity or he could be nasty later because “you owe him”

Thebluedog · 08/11/2017 16:05

If you want to leave your dh then leave him, but do it the right way, stay here and sort the divorce. Then if you still want to go to the states do so. You’re just runny by away otherwise and that’s something you can’t afford to do with dc

Bruceishavingfish · 08/11/2017 17:02

I’m a nurse by profession so wouldn’t be relying on anyone’s charity.

Can you even just walk into a nursing job in the US?

piglover · 08/11/2017 17:37

The immigration authorities will probably send you straight back to the UK.

parkerbean · 08/11/2017 17:44

Cruel of you to even entertain the plan. Just imagine if your DH suddenly ran away with your kids to restart life with a woman in the US. You have no right to do that to him.