Another MIL thread...

[NovemberB88]

Ok, I think I’m being ridiculous but I’d like other opinions.
OH and I have just had our first baby, she is 8 weeks and the first grandchild for both sets of parents. MIL and I do get on very well, however sometimes I find her to be very over bearing and too involved. She was never like this before LO was around and to be quite frank, didn’t show any interest in me at all so I am finding all the attention from her strange as I’m not used to it
She messages me a few times a day asking for updates, pictures, what’s she doing, how did she sleep etc. I have always shown willing and replied to the messages (I try too hard to please sometimes) but have now found out from my OH that she copies and pastes the messages she sends to me and sends them to my OH. We obviously reply slightly different each time as we didn’t know we were both texting her and if OH mentions something that I haven’t she questions me on this (e.g. she asked how LO slept, I said well, OH replied that she slept through the night for the first time and then MIL replied to me saying “how good she slept through!” I was so perplexed how she knew which is how OH and I came to find out she sends the same messages to us both).
AIBU to think she doesn’t need to text us both the same texts 4/5 times a day for bloody updates and then compare our answers? If I said something to her and said I felt it unnecessary would I look like a complete b**ch? I know she means well but I’m just finding it really irritating.

In a way it's sweet she's taking an interest but this is far too much. You let it continue you will make a rod for your own back.
I'm not saying go in all guns blazing but cut back on the responses. Maybe once a day at bed time giving her a run down.

How odd.

Now you know she is messaging you both can you just let your DP reply?

Or set up a group chat.... and let your DP reply.

I second a group chat. I have a WhatsApp group with my son and DIL - sometimes they send photos, sometimes I send messages eg wishing good luck with jabs. It works well.

Definitely a group chat!

4/5 times a day seems excessive. I’d start waiting a long time before replying so that she starts to feel conscious that she is messaging excessively. I doubt she will send several messages without a reply to the first. Then, when you do reply after about 6/7 hours, reply with “hopefully DH has already given you an update XX”. That way she hopefully can’t take offence but might start to question her behaviour.

If you can't get her to do a whatsapp group chat, maybe just message her with your OH copied in so he knows the question is answered and visa versa.

Thanks for the tips. We do actually already have a group chat and this isn’t enough! I took your advice and ignored the first text today and she’s messaged me again this evening “is everything ok? Haven’t heard from you, I’m worried?” which instantly makes me feel guilty. 😖 I am going to still ignore it as I know for a fact she has messaged OH to ask if I’m okay (which is ridiculous - I have a newborn child. My phone isn’t glued to my hand! You can’t just assume something bad has happened to me because I didn’t reply to just one text) so she’s just looking for an excuse to text. I feel awful as she’s my daughters grandma so I know she just wants an update but the texting both of us and the excessive ness is just too much. WWYD now? Just continue to ignore until later on this evening and hope she gets the message?

That would infuriate me! Text her back later and say, “All fine, thank you. Just been busy. You know how it is with a newborn!”

Cue text to the OH to ask what’s going on and why I haven’t replied. I’ve also had a message from SIL very tactical asking “Hey! You ok? What have you been up to today?” MIL and SIL are very close and see each other every day so MIL has definitely mentioned that I haven’t messaged back so I think she’s set SIL up to text me to see if I reply. It sounds ridiculous but it’s honestly how blimmin crafty they all are so I really wouldn’t put this past them! I’ve decided to completely ignore today. Too much silliness over me not replying! Get the hint

Could you cheerily reply that you are fine thanks, but your phone seems to be playing up? That covers you for a while then.

Just text “I’m busy and I’m turning my phone off to get some peace”.

At some point text "Everything is fine. I have decided put my phone away during the day so I can focus on the baby."

I had a similar thing happen with my mil. We got on fine but we wouldn't really talk on the phone or text - until I got pregnant. She wanted to know EVERYTHING and would ring all time. I just stopped answering the phone and replied to texts a few days later. She got the message and now we communicate really well.

I would only send updates and on the group chat and let your DH reply to the majority of messages. Don't text back immediately either.

It's great she's so interested but definitely over the top! Hopefully she will calm down with time.

Text the SIL back and tell her she’s needs to get pregnant ASAP to take the heat off you.

How long do you reckon the MIL would keep this up for if you were replying? It’s crazy!

Tiny beans app

I used the excuse of ‘phone on silent in my pocket as baby has been asleep on me’. My kids are teenagers though so we’re talking Nokia bricks that people were not surgically attached to!

Get your OH on side now - HE needs to respond copying all 4 in to say - all fine - we are focussing on the baby - will update once a day.

This is v OTT, manipulative and controlling. Be shoulder to shoulder on this and cut it out.

Be ready for the Christmas shenanigans etc - hop the dont live too close...

Be honest and say your really struggling to keep her updated and look after the baby.
Then suggest a video chat daily so you can do the update she wants face to face while cooing at the baby.

Ignore.
My usual excuse is I left phone on charge by the bed or on silent. I'm an anti social fucker though. You don't have to answer, keep telling yourself that.

Is it possible that she's got an older or strange model phone that doesn't do group texts well? My dad's (but not my mum's) phone will send two separate texts, but I have seen him send a single one to both of us in one place that goes out differently.

Could that be what's happening? It's seems very strange to deliberately copy paste the same message twice every time!

I think that 'but' should have been 'and'...

How irritating OP! I think when you do contact her don’t claim phone problems as she will just resume the frequent contact again and you’ll need another excuse tomorrow.

I think a PPs suggestion of taking a break from the phone to focus on the baby is a good one. Maybe followed with telling her you’ll send an update Wednesday? Then you can legitimately ignore anything until then and he has no excuse to message tomorrow.

Some research into mobile phone signals/wifi etc are said to cause "white noise" and interference with children's brains. I read somewhere that in France no wifi is allowed in schools as it affects concentration etc. Some kids suffer migraines etc- basically tell her that you've read this and as a result are not using your phone round the baby and you'll message at your bedtime away from baby

I agree, don’t be making up any excuses or letting her think that you can’t manage to update because you’re focusing on the baby (despite my previous wording!) She might take that as you’re struggling. You need to just ignore until she takes the hint, or set her straight that her contact as smothering.

@JWrecks no, she has a new iPhone! She’s very up to date with technology and has a Facebook she constantly posts on also. She knows what she’s doing and the messages are definitely copied and pasted between us both. I agree, very strange.

@another20 she lives 5 minutes around the corner. We have already disagreed on Christmas Day plans but that’s another story entirely. 😱

I don’t want to push her away too much so that she doesn’t care and I don’t want to upset her but it’s all a bit too much for me. I’ve mentioned it to OH tonight who said he replied to her saying “she’s very busy Mum, her hands are full and she can’t always reply straight away” which she replied with “it’s not too difficult to just message back a few words is it?” I’ve left it with him to sort out because I simply quite frankly can’t be arsed anymore. Very petty! All this from me just not replying to two texts.