Another MIL thread...

[NovemberB88]

Ok, I think I’m being ridiculous but I’d like other opinions.
OH and I have just had our first baby, she is 8 weeks and the first grandchild for both sets of parents. MIL and I do get on very well, however sometimes I find her to be very over bearing and too involved. She was never like this before LO was around and to be quite frank, didn’t show any interest in me at all so I am finding all the attention from her strange as I’m not used to it
She messages me a few times a day asking for updates, pictures, what’s she doing, how did she sleep etc. I have always shown willing and replied to the messages (I try too hard to please sometimes) but have now found out from my OH that she copies and pastes the messages she sends to me and sends them to my OH. We obviously reply slightly different each time as we didn’t know we were both texting her and if OH mentions something that I haven’t she questions me on this (e.g. she asked how LO slept, I said well, OH replied that she slept through the night for the first time and then MIL replied to me saying “how good she slept through!” I was so perplexed how she knew which is how OH and I came to find out she sends the same messages to us both).
AIBU to think she doesn’t need to text us both the same texts 4/5 times a day for bloody updates and then compare our answers? If I said something to her and said I felt it unnecessary would I look like a complete b**ch? I know she means well but I’m just finding it really irritating.

[NovemberB88]

We live in South West Devon and signal is always very bad. I may just blame this!

[Ilovetolurk]

Your poor thing - I don't think subtle is going to work here.

Her expectations need to be managed back to what's reasonable by your OH, I'm sure you have enough on

In the meantime if you can't bear it, one word answers when convenient to you e.g "fine x"

[hellsbellsmelons]

Yep. Leave it to DH to sort out.
Congratulations.
Enjoy it.

[Louise201710]

From experience I would pre-empt the messages. If you have taken a photo of your LO then send it through to her. It may sound strange but I found somehow being in control of messages rather than just replying reduced my annoyance. Whilst it’s totalky annoying and OTT it is as you say lovely she is so excited.

[Movablefeast]

I understand OP, I didn't pick up the phone to my MIL for a few hours and she sent the police around to check on my welfare

[sm40]

What does your do say. My mil expected updates about 5 times a day (my sil
Did this and still does it!!). My dp told his mum after day 4 that we would not be updating her on every feed/poo/sleep! After that she got a daily text/call if lucky!

[troodiedoo]

Hold firm, she'll get the message. Update her however often you want to. Personally I feel once a day is too much.

[pictish]

Poor you. Being made to feel like you are obliged to update your mil on every aspect of your really very mundane day is too much. Getting your sil involved is out and out controlling. This would drive me daffy...so irritating and overbearing!

I'm the kind who would be stubborn about this and reply when I bloody felt like it. I wouldn't be put in the role of having to do as I'm told as I am not good at being bossed around or manipulated. It would aggravate me and set off my 'sod you' reflex. You are not at her beck and call.

Just update her when you can be bothered...once a day or less even until she gets the message and stops expecting an immediate response. Your dh has told her and she's not accepting it, so you will have to show her through your actions. Always be cheery and polite when you do respond but do not 'jump to' regarding her bothersome texts. Take back the control. She'll come to understand you don't want to be on granny standby soon enough.

[AnarchyKitty]

Ignore the texts and only reply on the WhatsApp group. Maybe say on there as you're busy with your new baby, it's more convenient to update everyone at once when you have the time. Stand firm!

[acornsandnuts]

I would text live every night feed with multiple pictures and many many insignificant texts.

[xhannahx]

You have literally just described my mil and I find it very irritating. Yanbu but I think many will claim you are.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Can phones send automatic texts on a timer? You could set it up to send one every hour saying 'LO is now feeding - so hungry!' or 'LO is now sleeping - so tired!'. Mix it up a bit with occasional playtime plus a picture. They'll be pissed off but hey, you're doing what they asked for

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Hey, it is a thing!!

[whatkatydidnext1]

My mil is like this. She rings up, doesn't say hello, starts firing questions one after the other sometimes the same question on repeat. Then calls dh and asks the same damn questions. She truly is exhausting to spend time with. Now I try and catch her out. I say oh I thought dh already told you that. No advice sorry. Just fancied a moan on your thread. Congratulations on the baby though

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

I got an answering machine to field MIL's calls when I was pregnant (this was pre mobiles/facebook and now I feel old thinking about it ).

The woman had shown no interest in me/dh until that point, but as soon as I went on mat leave she would ring at 8.30am every bloody morning. After one scintillating conversation about sanitary towels I found myself at argos at 9am

I guess I should be grateful I had DD before texts were a big thing

[Appuskidu]

“it’s not too difficult to just message back a few words is it?”

That's just fucking rude. I would want DH to actually ring her at that point and say-'she has just had a baby, leave her be or you will just end up pissing her off. Did you speak to your mother in law 3 times a day to give her updates when you had a newborn?'

Set up a group iMessage NOW with you, DH and SIL. Send them a cute photo of the baby (awwww!) and say-'struggling to find time to reply to all the texts I've been getting recently so will just use this to update everyone. All is fine-the baby is settling in to a good nap pattern and I'm going to try to use the opportunity to get some shut eye!' Or whatever.

Then, don't reply to any texts from them. If they hassle you on the group text, reply with 'All is fine today-everyone is well :)' remember, all she wanted was a few words!

You have total control here-use it--she is being pushy.

[chocolateshortcake]

My god I feel your pain. This sounds exactly like my in laws. I am due again soon and dreading the suffocation!!!

[Myheartbelongsto]

I'd just completely ignore messages and take myself out of the group chat.

This is way too much!

[2rebecca]

Her behaviour is selfish. It's not up to her to decide how many texts a day you send her. I would ask her to stop texting you if she's going to get upset if you don't reply because you are busy and tell her you don't want to spend your life glued to your phone and are not a text enthusiast.

[LivLemler]

Appuskidu's message is good. It probably comes from a good place, and it's lovely that she's so interested. But I would feel totally suffocated by multiple messages a day from anyone bar DH, especially if they were expecting prompt replies.

[Breadwithgarlicon]

I also like Appu's reply.

OP, this would drive me crazy. I also think once a day is too much.

I think you would do well to get on top of this now or she will be managing your days forever more.

[Littlegreyauditor]

Vagueness is your friend here, OP. I had a similar experience and it ended up stressing me to the point of PND.
DC1 didn’t sleep well and I was expected to report back to my self appointed superiors at least once a day, more often several times, and be interrogated as to why. “Why, Little, why only 2 hours?”. “What did you eat, was there too much stimulation?” Etc
Drove me mad, it has to be said.

With DC2 I became practiced at a polite dismissal (while screaming “fuck off” in my head).
How did they sleep? - Oh, the usual.
How many hours? - Oh, I didn’t keep count.
How many feeds? - As many as they wanted.
Why didn’t you answer your Phone? - My phone? Oh, it’s around here somewhere.
You didn’t answer your door. - Oh we must have been sleeping.
What did you do today? - Oh, this and that.

(Repeat, repeat, repeat)
Eventually I wore them down. If you get specific she will only demand more. Frustrate her with vagueness. You’re not not answering, but she’s getting nothing from it.

[naebotherpal]

How’s it going with her, OP?