Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help dealing with ghosting

28 replies

Sancerresanwine · 05/11/2017 08:08

I'm not really sure if he's ghosted or if I have.

I explained in another thread about what happened... In a nutshell, we've from daily /every other day texts / calls to zero. It had been going on about two months, not long. I'd been really clear I wanted a relationship. Hed been clear that he wanted to get to know me, as he said often.

It feels so weird and unfinished to just say nothing. He is clearly not going to get in contact with me again and I can't bring myself to ask him what's going on as it's so obvious. But I miss him and I want to see him and I still fancy him. I just don't really get how someone can go from lots of involvement to none without a word.

Any advice really welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 05/11/2017 08:38

Anyone...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/11/2017 08:42

Ok, apart from the electronic communications, were you physically meeting up and seeing each other? How often did you meet? When was the last time you met and how did it go? When was the last communication?

JennyHolzersGhost · 05/11/2017 08:43

I don’t really have any advice OP but I didn’t want to read and run. I have no idea why people do this. It’s so hurtful and makes it so hard to trust anyone. I’m so sorry.

PhoenixMama · 05/11/2017 08:59

Ghosting sucks & unfortunately happens ALL the time. Had you been seeing each other in person? Dtd? Or was this all just online based?

highinthesky · 05/11/2017 09:05

The only solution is going cold turkey, I’m afraid.

Distract yourself with stuff you’d really like to do (((hugs)))

ALittleBitConfused1 · 05/11/2017 09:13

I think this is just a part of online dating. I'm not saying it's right but I think I've probably been guilty of this and I've definitely been on the receiving end.
I know from my perspective if I've been talking to someone via text etc but you haven't meet up yet I have in the past just got bored of the communication, you begin to realise that it's not really going to go anywhere and it just dwindled. At some point a couple of days has passed and as there isn't any real connection there it then becomes awkward (and sometimes completely unnecessary to send a text). With regards to online dating my tip would be not to over invest emotionally. I learned quite quickly that until you have met a few times and started to build that bond in real life there's no point In expecting anything. It's really hard to explain in words, to someone you have only been talking to a few weeks, and maybe not even met, why you may have gone off of the idea of taking it any further, especially when it maybe just based on a feeling, or something you're not feeling.
IME of OLD if you are both feeling it a date is arranged quite quickly, if not is usually isn't going to go anywhere. I understand people are busy but even a quick hour meeting for coffee is usually doable, if one party are happier talking / textin consistently without anything else there's a reason for that.

Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 05/11/2017 09:42

Thanks so much for responses. We had met up about 5 times over 8 weeks, spent hours talking on the phone, met through mutual friends, had built up to phone sex weekly and had sex for the first time just before the ghosting. I get that he's not into me but I just don't understand how someone can be so keen and then completely drop someone they've been getting to know and relating with emotionally Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 05/11/2017 09:43

Without saying anything. Wouldnt he want closure too?

OP posts:
merville · 05/11/2017 09:55

I'd been really clear I wanted a relationship. Hed been clear that he wanted to get to know me

He knows you want a relationship, he wasn't sure (in fact what he said may have been man code/bullshit for 'don't want a relationship'). When you had sex it became decision time/a watershed moment; and it seems like his decision is he doesn't want to get into a relationship .. hence he's dropped out of contact.

He may pop back up again, but I doubt he'll change his mind; you'd be in danger of just getting used for sex.

Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 05/11/2017 09:57

In fact, the last contact we had was me saying I'd call him back. Because there

OP posts:
Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 05/11/2017 09:59

Yes I do agree with you merville.

Just feel like a massive plonker for believing him. He was saying I love you the night of dtd.

This is not normal behaviour, is it?

OP posts:
merville · 05/11/2017 10:00

Sorry but I don't think he's been as invested as you.

Also, when I was talking about a friend of mine having phone sex with a new man to my then bf, he commented "Personally I couldn't/wouldn't do that early in a relationship/before we even had sex if my emotions were involved, that doesn't strike me as a guy looking for a relationship".

SleepFreeZone · 05/11/2017 10:01

It's quite common for them to have sex and then walk away. I think a lot of it is to do with the thrill of the chase then once they get sex they're onto the next one.

I have to admit it's happened to me a few times in the past abscits always confused me. You'd think having regular sex would be a good thing but for some guys they really do seem to get off on the process of wooing alone.

merville · 05/11/2017 10:02

Sorry cross posted - what a shit.

Well to give him the absolute benefit of the doubt, perhaps he got caught up/carried away but now it's crunch time, he doesn't want a 'serious' relationship.

Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 05/11/2017 10:02

Sorry I was saying above that he did call me and text but it was 9 days after we saw each other. I said I'd call back but didn't as I thought he'd ignore me and it would hurt too much.
Have I done the ghosting? Or kept my pride?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/11/2017 10:06

Ok. I just read your other thread. Basically a girlfriend he had when he was a kid said he had a habit of disappearing, and you wished to talk seriously about it for some reason, at which point he couldn’t quite believe you were taking seriously and drifted away from you/lost interest.

On your other thread you say lots of red flags, I’m not sure what they are and you seemed to be fine with.

For five dates I really wouldn’t be this invested. He clearly doesn’t like your reaction to some old school acquaintances memoirs of a youthful encounter and has lost interest. Move on and forget about him.

No I don’t think he wants closure, I think he has it. 💐

PhoenixMama · 05/11/2017 10:07

He’s a shit for delaying contact after sex but you are most definitely the ghoster here. Ghosting is when someone totally stops responding to your messages. You told him you’d call him back & then didn’t. Most people operate on a like for like basis. As in you send a text, he sends a text, he calls, you call. Most people don’t exceed 2 contact attempts before moving on. He’s probably equally stumped as to why you ghosted him!!!

merville · 05/11/2017 10:08

Another cross post - so he got in touch 9 days later.
Well it doesn't exactly smack of enthusiasm & high interest.

If you really think it's worth it, you could contact him again but your instincts are prob. correct .. perhaps other posters could chime in on whether it'd worthwhile or wise to contact him again.

PhoenixMama · 05/11/2017 10:10

Oh! Didn’t realise that was your thread. Hate to say it but I think you are the one in the wrong here. He has closure, and probably feels he dodged a bullet. You can screw something up & then claim he ghosted!!!

merville · 05/11/2017 10:11

Having seen other posts;

Basically a girlfriend he had when he was a kid said he had a habit of disappearing

Hmm, doesn't sound like relationship material even if he gets in touch again.

Original poster
Sancerresanwine · 05/11/2017 10:14

Yes the red flags were about whether or not he was using me for sex, as well as being quick to anger, impulsive and I think he may have had an addiction problem. So I was working out whether I could deal with all this.
I know I have my answer really. But we have mutual friends, it's likely we will bump into each other and this just seems to make it unnecessarily awkward.

And I still fancy him, and wish we could spend more time together, is there something wrong with me?!

OP posts:
merville · 05/11/2017 10:19

Read that wrongly as 'girlfriend he had a kid with' ... but anyway given the red flags; no, not good relationship material!

As for what's wrong with you, it's called oxytocin (perhaps combined with the addictiveness of someone who gives us highs and lows, or who's not easily gotten) but it's not healthy.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 05/11/2017 10:40

Oh sorry well in that case he's just rude and has changed his mind. I've been in this situation where I wasn't sure, Maybe got caught up in the moment but then realised I wasn't feeling it or ready for something and the dtd has clarified it. Difference is I think once you've dtd you at least owe the other person an explanation. Even if it's a phonecall to say sorry but this just isn't working. Whether you said you would call or not is here nor there, if he was at the same stage you were he would be dropped you a simple text or called or something. Not everyone needs closure, not everyone thinks it's necessary to make that final end point happen, especially if, as I suspect may be the case here, they have doubts anyway.

Isetan · 05/11/2017 12:08

The harsh truth was, that despite all his talk, you were way more invested than he was. He's ghosted you, as closure goes, that's pretty clear.

Being hurt by his behaviour is totally understandable but he's done you a massive favour because him staying and you accepting his poor behaviour, would have been worse.

If it wasn't for being physically assaulted by my Ex, I would probably still be with him (shudders at the thought).

anxiousnow · 05/11/2017 12:26

Op ghosting is horrible. I understand your need for closure. Does he have children with the person who warned you about him? Sorry but if he ghosts the mother of his children then you are well rid of him. I hate that ghosting is now becoming an expected. It has recently happened to me and is so much harder to get over than a normal break up. Are you likely to bump into him soon?