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Original poster

Would you leave?

38 replies

Athome77 · 28/10/2017 16:59

I love my husband and would miss him.

I think our relationship is great etc.

The only thing that really upsets me, and he says this at least once a week, is : ‘this is my house’. He owns it and pays mortgage and it’s all in his name. It even comes done to colours when painting, finishing, it’s all very masculine, he hates my ‘tat’ eg dolphins, can’t have them out, but we have lots of model aeroplanes out (his not mine). Someone recently came in and said they wouldn’t have known a woman lived here.

We have kids. My dad was controlling and I always said I would leave anyone like that, as we are getting older I feel he is becoming more controlling.

Would you leave?

OP posts:
pastabakewithcheese · 28/10/2017 17:02

Not leave, more like challenge the dynamics. Sit down and have a talk. Why is the house in his name? And are you contributing to the mortgage? Or if you work or get benefits, does part of that money go towards the house or any items in the house?

misscheery · 28/10/2017 17:03

OP, do tell us your full situation. Do you work? Are you financially independent (I know you said he pays the mortgage but that doesn’t really tell if you are working). If you were to leave, where would you go?

I would leave, yes, however I don’t know your particular situation

Belleoftheball8 · 28/10/2017 17:04

If your married it’s not just his house anymore is it. I would leave it sounds like it will only get worse. How long have you been married?

Cookingongas · 28/10/2017 17:07

You haven’t said much. Id not be happy living with a man so dismissive of our shared existence. But you say you are.

As you are married it is in fact your house too. Why have you never challenged this attitude? Have you never compromised together in taste and decorating? Or is it always what he says goes?

Greenicicle · 28/10/2017 17:07

It may be his HOUSE op, but its your HOME. Except it isnt really is it?

hidinginthenightgarden · 28/10/2017 17:10

Our house hasn't my name on it (I was on MAT leave at the time) but DH has never said this to me.
I would be telling him he needs to start seeing things differently or you will leave him in "his" house alone.

Original poster
Athome77 · 28/10/2017 17:10

13 years together married 8 ( we only married so we could move to an Arabic country).

I work I earn around £23,000. He earns over £70,000.

I have enough to buy a house (savings- inheritance and a mortgage).

Have figured out I could do it financially without any support from him, but any child support from him would be a bonus.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 28/10/2017 17:13

Have you told him how unhappy you are with the way he treats you?

Original poster
Athome77 · 28/10/2017 17:16

cookingongas he’s only been like this for the past few years, actually since we came back from the Middle East and I got a job.

greenicicle I’m starting to see it’s not really my home, which is kind of why I’m asking

Even though I earn money I don’t even own my own car! My problem I know and could get one in my own name. I’m just starting to realise how controlled things are...

The kids can only have friends over when he’s working away.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 28/10/2017 17:17

He sounds charming. Has he always been like this or is it because of where you live? Maybe his friends have had words with him about his wife knowing 'her place'.
You would get half the house (in the UK), but if you are abroad where women's rights are not clear then it could be 'his house'.
Hope you have a seperate account. Put some money into that for a quick escape if you have to!

MamaLeen · 28/10/2017 17:18

Regardless of salary etc. It's both your house. If you were to separate you would be entitled to half the value of your family home together. (Unless a prenup was signed.)

Slowly add you little tough to each room. Most men don't notice stuff like that.
And talk to him about how you feel. Maybe he doesn't realise it hurts you as as much as it does.

PoisonousSmurf · 28/10/2017 17:18

Sorry crossed post. But why can't you get your own car? Do you have a joint account?

Original poster
Athome77 · 28/10/2017 17:18

apilieofballyhoo no
Probably because my self esteem is crap

A friend recently asked to borrow money and I said no and she’s not talked to me since!

OP posts:
Original poster
Athome77 · 28/10/2017 17:22

My own bank account, my wages go into it, I spend it how I want to. I don’t pay any bills. I don’t want half his house. It’s not about the financial crap. I could financially leave.

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 28/10/2017 17:23

The trouble is, if this continues you will eventually come to hate him.
I think you need to tell him this and be quite forceful about it. You need to tell him and he needs to listen, no marriage can survive unless the partners are equal.
Insist on counselling, tell him you are seriously questioning your relationship and that this cannot carry on.

Original poster
Athome77 · 28/10/2017 17:24

I think the next time he comes out with it I will point out what he has said and if it continues will leave (but the house I want isn’t actually built yet- new development but that wouldn’t stop anything)

OP posts:
peanut2017 · 28/10/2017 17:28

Sounds very controlling op and not a very loving thing to say to your wife and mother of your children. Definitely not acceptable and may only get worse for you.

How is he around your children?

Lozmatoz · 28/10/2017 17:34

He is being controlling.

Viviennemary · 28/10/2017 17:34

Well he does sound as if he likes his own way about things. It's wrong that you don't have a say in decorating. (But we never agree on paint colours so not much gets done because neither of us budges which is difficult too) It depends on how much this side of him impacts on you. Are you generally happy in your everyday life or not. If it's your car does it matter whose actual name it's in if its for your use.

Original poster
Athome77 · 28/10/2017 17:39

How do you mean how is he around the children?

They have everything-iPads etc. He’s not mean to them. One wanted an Xbox and was saving up, he had half the money so dh brought it for him. He’s nice, caring, loving etc, never smacked them. They just don’t have friends round when he’s here....

From the outside everything looks perfect which I guess is why I’m asking would you leave, I’m probably scared people will think I’m mad for potentially leaving what is a great life. As other posters have said it is making me start to dislike him and I think it will only get worse.

In my heart I think the only way forward is to leave/make him see I’m serious about going unless he stops saying it. Maybe he thinks I should pay some of the bills (but them I spend most of my wages on shopping, vet bills, school lunches, my car insurance, piano lessons, cleaner, tutor, kids clothes, swimming training, scouts, scout weekend away etc ).

OP posts:
Original poster
Athome77 · 28/10/2017 17:41

viv yes I’m generally happy, and we have some great times together, but is that enough to overcome the way I feel when he says ‘it’s my house’ I’m not sure

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 28/10/2017 17:59

I wonder why he is saying it. You could ask him outright. Why do you keep going on about this being your house and not mine. Would you rather I moved out. And see how he replies to that. It all boils down to does this affect your life and make you feel inferior which it shouldn't as you've got your own money anyway. You are paying bills.

And I think you were right not to lend money to a friend unless it was just a few pounds for a week or two. I wouldn't do anything too rash without thinking things over very carefully.

Cricrichan · 28/10/2017 18:33

So you spend your wage on him and the kids - food, house etc. However, since you're married, once you split, you'll also have a stake in the house.

I would give him an ultimatum op. What an arse.

Cambionome · 28/10/2017 19:14

Be completely clear on this op - if you are married you are entitled to at least 50% of all assets including the house. Don't listen to this "it's my house " crap; he is legally (and morally) in the wrong here.

I would strongly advise you NOT to leave without everything that you are entitled to - you and your dc may need it in the future. Also don't let the tight bastard get away with it

yetmorecrap · 28/10/2017 19:25

Isn't it the case though that whilst the house may well be 50% yours too legally, savings and inheritance etc will be 50% his as well (I may be wrong here) but my understanding is it all counts as marital assets. I do think by the way his comments are totally unacceptabe.