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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is basic organisation such a lot to ask?

28 replies

moonamay · 27/10/2017 21:07

I've been ill for a few weeks; DH has taken on most of the household tasks in addition to working full time etc.
I am pleased that he's cooking, cleaning (in a fashion) and food shopping, but the house is in complete disarray along with normal routines. I feel stressed to the max.
There is food going off in the fridge (and it smells) vegetables mouldering in the cupboard, stained, filthy dish cloths and towels in the kitchen, dirty clothes in toy boxes etc etc. Im supposed to be resting... bit how?! DH doesn't stop and I feel sorry for him but basic tidying and cleanliness has gone down the pan and I'm so stressed. Also, childcare arrangements/ meal planning is all very up in the air and last minute, it makes me feel ill thinking about it.
so yes, DH is doing everything... but is it such a lot to ask for him to actually put a little thought into it and to take some assertive control?

OP posts:
Original poster
moonamay · 27/10/2017 21:50

Bumping up

OP posts:
thiskittenbarks · 27/10/2017 21:57

Sounds like he is trying his best, and that his style is just a lot less organised than yours. He's probably floundering a bit because he has a lot to do and also because he is probably inexperienced being in charge of all these things. Can anyone help him a little so he can get better organised? I find I do things in a chaotic fashion until I have a bit of let up and am able to organise myself and think of better ways of doing things.
Would he take helpful tips from you re how to do things more efficiently?

user1492970817 · 27/10/2017 21:59

You said it yourself you OH doesn't stop.Give the guy a break turn a blind eye to what hasn't been done. Hope your well again soon.

jeaux90 · 27/10/2017 22:00

Can you outsource some of the cleaning and ironing for a while? Sounds like he's drowning and it's stressing you out.

Maelstrop · 27/10/2017 22:03

Could you let him know that he should throw out the rotting food? Gently?

Original poster
moonamay · 27/10/2017 22:07

There is nobody to outsource to unfortunately. I think a big part of it is him not being used to taking over and I'm finding hes creating more work for himself being so chaotic in his style. He will do one task and create another job for himself at the same time if you understand what I mean and it's getting frustrating to see. If he could just tidy and clean as he went, it wouldn't create so much 'extra' work.
He's not much of a planner/organiser in the home, he's quite chaotic, but has to be very organised at work so I can't understand why he can't employ the same level of focus just until I'm able to do more.

OP posts:
Original poster
moonamay · 27/10/2017 22:10

Even the childcare schedule has gone to pot because he forgot to communicate something and now we're stuck. It's as if the domestic stuff is boring him so he can't quite give it the focus and attention it needs for it to tick over. But his.life would be so much easier if he did and just took a small amount of time to think and plan.

OP posts:
thiskittenbarks · 27/10/2017 22:30

Could you get a cleaner in for a one off or a couple of cleans so he can catch up with it all? Really sounds like he's floundering and a bit of let up would help him get organised (perhaps with some helpful tips from you).
My DH is also a whirlwind of disorganisation and it does frustrate me that he does things in a way that seems totally illogical to me. But everyone has their own way of doing things.

Turkkadin · 27/10/2017 23:19

My husband would probably think he had been thrown into another world!

honeylulu · 27/10/2017 23:35

Can you do a planner for him until he gets into the swing of it?
It must be a struggle suddenly doing everything at once, and caring for you too. (I hope you're feeling better soon btw).
I work full time and yes there's smelly gone off food in the fridge regularly, to my shame.

TammyswansonTwo · 28/10/2017 17:35

Sounds like someone needs to see the "mental load" comic that went round recently - this should not be all your responsibility and now is the time to make him step up. I struggle with this with my husband too to be honest. He's great in many ways but he has massiveblindspots that drive me mad. I've just had to haul my ass round the kitchen while in agony making bottles for the twins because he doesn't know how. They're 13 months old FFS, and he hasn't made a bottle for a year. There's so much other stuff he does do that I don't feel I can complain, but we should both know how to do everything and be able to step in when the other can't. It's not too much to ask - they're adults FFS! How would they survive without us?

timeisnotaline · 28/10/2017 17:45

You may have to wait till you are better and then resolve that this was the last time your husband will be so clueless on the domestic front. you start by asking him to do the things - clean out the old food in the fridge etc, do a meal plan , ask the childminder for x and then you start to delegate the responsibility for it until he knows what to do.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 28/10/2017 18:58

You weren't born knowing how to organise your household, you've learnt over the years from your mistakes and experiences - let him be, it sounds like he is doing his best. He'll get better and will make his own way (which might be different to yours)

LadyLoveYourWhat · 28/10/2017 19:00

Tammy, how has it got to 13 months without your husband knowing how to make a bottle? I think we make rods for our own backs sometimes.

CoyoteCafe · 28/10/2017 21:13

I think you are being too hard on him. It took me a while to get the hang of running a house. I now have little systems that work for me. He just got thrown in the middle and is doing the best he can. Of course things aren't as well run with just 1 adult doing things as they were with 2 adults doing things.

If you are well enough to post about it on line, you are well enough to sit in the kitchen and talk him through cleaning out the spoiled food.

RebelRogue · 28/10/2017 21:21

I hope you feel better soon. Stressing over things going to pot doesn’t help.
Can you do any planning at all (with no harm to yourself)?
Share the routines with him, overlook the small things, can you meal plan easy things, keep in touch with the childminder?

Did he do chores before or is this the first time because “he has to”?

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/10/2017 23:41

To be fair to him, if someone gave me a job that I'd seen done, had contributed to bits of and had a vague working knowledge of but no real practical experience at, and expected me to be up to their standard of working within a day or so, I doubt very much that I'd be brilliant for quite a long time.

As long as everyone is fed and no one dies of dystentery, I'd call that a success. Relax your standards for now, and, when you are feeling better, maybe talk him through some of the more important parts of your day, so that, if this happens again, he can pick up the slack a little more proficiently.

And get him to help out on a more regular basis too. It's his house, his mess and his child as well as yours.

Wolfiefan · 28/10/2017 23:44

You need to lower your expectations (what's really important?), try and do the jobs that bug you the most or tell him.
Hope you're better soon.

justforthisnow · 28/10/2017 23:53

He may well learn and develop as a household manager but why is he only learning this now? Most relationships work on a quid pro quo basis.
Surely a father and husband should know how to cook basic meals, load the laundry and get children to school, activities? Unless they’re so shit hot at what they work at that they can afford outside help like a nanny etc then there’s really no excuse for such helplessness.
Rotten food in the fridge? That’s just lazy.

justforthisnow · 28/10/2017 23:54

And why on earth is it the OPs job and duty to explain to her husband how to run a household when she’s recovered? WTF!

justforthisnow · 28/10/2017 23:56

coyotecafe

If you are well enough to post about it on line, you are well enough to sit in the kitchen and talk him through cleaning out the spoiled food.

Just putting this here in case you realize how horrific, demeaning and sexist your post is and delete it.

Itsonkyme · 29/10/2017 00:25

Jesus! Give the poor guy a break!
So he's working full time and looking after the kids presumably and sorting out childcare. And shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes.
And he's got you moaning at him/about him.
Don't mean to be rude but as you can post on MN surely you could do the admin? i.e. organising childcare. Making a meal plan and then ordering an online shop.
Find out what is smelling in the fridge and asking him to move it, reminding him to throw tea-towels and dish cloths in with the towels.
Telling him there is an item of clothing in the toy box and could be remove it.
Of course, you have been ill and need to rest. But surely over a day or so you could find the energy to at least put in an online shop.
He's probably doing his best, men are not renowned for multi -tasking.
Btw I hope you get well soon! Stressing the small stuff will not help though!

Itsonkyme · 29/10/2017 00:36

I agree with your post coyotecafe! You are entitled to your opinion which by the way I found neither demeaning, sexist or horrific Confused
And no-one on MN should be telling you to delete it.

Itsonkyme · 29/10/2017 00:44

Btw! If this thread had been made by a husband, resting after being ill and his poor wife was trying to cope with everything.
And he was posting about how useless she was and very disorganized and generally not up to his standard.
Can you imagine the bloody hoo-haa that would cause on here.
So ladies let's be fair, shall we!

GrockleBocs · 29/10/2017 00:55

I was in hospital for weeks and DH had to manage. As long as dd was fed, clean and in routine, nothing else mattered. I wrote schedules for dd and they muddled through. You have to let go. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.