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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dont love husband

38 replies

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 08:51

Dont know where to start my hus and had a massive stroke 7 years ogo on my daughters 9th birthday. He has been left with no movement on left hand side. We have come through this but over the last year he has turned really nasty with me says i do nothing to help him bearing in mind i have to help him dress cut his food etc. He was only 44 when this happrned i was 34 we have 2 children one who is now 14 and a 15 yearold. The kids have become young carers for there dad and me a ful time carer. He took an overdise back in may in front of my 14 yr old who has adhd and told him why he wouldnt be there in the morning. My daughter (15) is curently having counciling for anxiety problems she cant sleep and feels that her dad has changed and doesnt like the way he treats me . I feel as though im his live in carer and nothing more there is no lobe there anymore we have been married for 16 years. The only reason i have not left is i know he will go i to a care home but i am so unhappy and dont know what to do anymore. Xx

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2017 09:15

He having a stroke never gave him the right to abuse you and in turn your children. You are unhappy for good reason and your children are being profoundly affected by their dad's abuse also. This is not the legacy you want to be leaving them.

On a much wider level where is any respite help for you people?. Have you been basically left by the authorities to go it alone without any outside support?.

Do not let his abuse of you and in turn them affect their childhoods any longer than it already has. You feel very responsible for him but do not let your children go onto further think that you are putting him before them.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting and they could help you further on 0808 2000 247

ShakeShakeTheMuffin · 23/10/2017 09:17

So sorry about your situation. Would you be able to arrange some temporary respite care to at least have a break and think things through? I think you may need to put your children first. No child should see their parent overdose that's dreadful! Sounds like you and your husband are both very depressed. I'm not excusing his behaviour but it must be very difficult for him too. Having said that he needs to see that his behaviour is not acceptable. Sounds like you'd all benefit from counselIing. I would perhaps have a chat with your GP for advice on support available.

VinIsGroot · 23/10/2017 09:19

Please leave your husband. .... He is disabled in body but not in mind!!!

I'm a mum to a severly disabled child and I know respite is few and far between......

You do not need to be abused and neither do your children!

theresamustgo · 23/10/2017 09:23

He is, I suppose, depressed. Has he sought treatment for that? What about mediation. It seems to me you need to talk things through and find a way of communicating before you walk away.

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 09:54

Ty he is seeing someone for his depression and it makes no difference he is also on medication fir it but he continues to be the same. My kids have to come first they habe been through so much

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Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 09:58

It is mental abuse i no this is no better than hitting me. I just cant take it anymore.

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Cricrichan · 23/10/2017 09:58

My friend is going through the same. The stroke changed his personality and they divorced last year. She is so much happier and he's also moved on (she stayed with him for years out of guilt and worry that he'd kill himself)

Cricrichan · 23/10/2017 09:59

Forgot to add that he was so passive whilst in a relationship but now that they've split, he's active and it's changed his life because he had to rely on himself.

AfunaMbatata · 23/10/2017 10:00

Could he have brain damage from the stroke? That would account for personality changes.
Either way though it’s no way for you to live

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 10:01

That is what is worrying me and i dont know how to tell him xx

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Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 10:06

He does nothing at all for himself just gets me to it all x

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HadronCollider · 23/10/2017 10:13

I thing staying is enabling his bad behaviour. He has not come to terms with his limitations, because he has you running around after him. If he had to rely on himself, he'd have to find other ways to make the most of his life as it is.

I think you have to put the kids first.

Brandnewstart · 23/10/2017 12:47

Oh sweetheart, that's awful! Have you got a Carers centre near you? They should have a support worker to talk to and hopefully counselling if you're lucky.
I work with Carers and I always say what my dad says (who had a similar job): Illness does not have to make you unpleasant and horrible to your family. He is choosing to be this way towards you and the children.
I second what others say, it is likely that he will do more once he hasn't got the option of relying on you for everything. If he chooses not to then it is not your responsibility.
I know it's easy to say, and very hard to do, but you shouldn't have to accept aggressive behaviour from anyone.
if he hadn't had a stroke and was acting this way, what would you do?

Brandnewstart · 23/10/2017 12:47

I would really encourage you to have counselling.

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 14:08

If he hadnt have had a strike i wiuld have gone a few years ago xx

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Brandnewstart · 23/10/2017 14:56

I know it will be hard to have the conversation but I think you know that this isn't going to be resolved by staying with him. Do you have RL support. Have you looked up Carers centres in your area?
Being a full time carer is exceptionally hard but being a full time carer to someone who treats you badly is pretty much impossible.
Keep posting, we are here to support you xx

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 14:58

Ty so much obviously im trying to surport my kids as well it is very hard xx

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Oly5 · 23/10/2017 15:05

I think you need to leave him. Yes you will feel guilty but it’s time to put your children first. It sounds like all of
Your mental health is suffering. You have a right to have a good life of your own, so do your kids. It’s is not your fault your DH has a stroke and it sounds as though you hve down your best.
Can you speak to the Stroke Association for advice on what kind of care is is entitled to for when you leave. Don’t let anyone tell you you just need more support as a caree if that’s not what you want. You need to tell DH there are services to help him when you leave.. then leave.
I’m so sorry you’ve all gone through this x

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 15:30

Ty everyone for ur suppport xx

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MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/10/2017 15:34

Were you unhappy before he had a stroke? Was he nasty to you then?

My friend's dad was really lovely until he had a stroke and then he became really nasty and vicious. He started to hit her mum and that's when they had to get alternative care for him.

You know you need to get your children away from him now. Taking an overdose in front of your child is so abusive it's hard to know how to process it.

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 16:06

B4 the stroke he was amazing then after the stroke his personality changed he hates me having friends just cuz he pushed all his away xxx

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supersop60 · 23/10/2017 16:07

OP - this sounds very hard on you. My FIL had a stroke just over a year ago (he's 82), spent a year in a nursing home and is now back home. My MIL does the bulk of his care (she's 80) and he is horrible to her. The doctors have told us that a stroke can affect personality, and have told FIL that too. He forgets.
OP, you do not have to live in an abusive relationship. Please get help, and if necessary, for your children, leave him. He will get taken care of. Your DC have their whole lives ahead, and their story shouldn't be about how their father abused them.

Annoyed5678 · 23/10/2017 16:33

Your children are a worry in such a situation as this, your husband has no regard for showing them how little he feels for himself or his family. A 15 year old should be bursting full of life, best years of ones life is when they are a child and he's taking this away from her. Try and trail separation and get the help your children so desperately need and yourself, i know your husband is dealing with alot too but its affecting your children

M4Dad · 23/10/2017 16:37

Please leave your husband. .... He is disabled in body but not in mind

Do you know think that becoming disabled has severely mentally affected him?

SandyY2K · 23/10/2017 16:39

It's very sad to hear this, especially as he was lovely before, but the effect on you and your children is more than if be willing to accept.

Marriage isn't meant to be torture.

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