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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dont love husband

38 replies

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 08:51

Dont know where to start my hus and had a massive stroke 7 years ogo on my daughters 9th birthday. He has been left with no movement on left hand side. We have come through this but over the last year he has turned really nasty with me says i do nothing to help him bearing in mind i have to help him dress cut his food etc. He was only 44 when this happrned i was 34 we have 2 children one who is now 14 and a 15 yearold. The kids have become young carers for there dad and me a ful time carer. He took an overdise back in may in front of my 14 yr old who has adhd and told him why he wouldnt be there in the morning. My daughter (15) is curently having counciling for anxiety problems she cant sleep and feels that her dad has changed and doesnt like the way he treats me . I feel as though im his live in carer and nothing more there is no lobe there anymore we have been married for 16 years. The only reason i have not left is i know he will go i to a care home but i am so unhappy and dont know what to do anymore. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 23/10/2017 17:23

Yes he cant accept it and blames everyone else for the things he cant do xx

OP posts:

Brandnewstart · 23/10/2017 17:33

Have the children got support from young adult Carers group or school? X

Rudgie47 · 23/10/2017 22:59

I'd leave him but first go to see Womens Aid or the CAB to discuss how your going to do it etc. Obviously you need a plan so it happens as smoothly as possible.
Both of you are young and its no life for him or you and the children.Dont be talked into staying you dont want to end up with really severe depression.

Cherryberrypie · 23/10/2017 23:31

Does he have any other family OP? Brothers, sisters, parents? Is it possible to have a family meeting and discuss your very real concerns with them. It is not fare that you should shoulder all this responsibility by yourself, maybe they can step up and help out. You and your children deserve a happy life. Please keep posting, there are lots of wise people on here.

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 24/10/2017 07:18

His family all live 300 miles away and his mum who is amzaing suffers with Parkinson's. I get on very well with his family even they have told him to buck up his ideas or he will lose me.

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Brandnewstart · 24/10/2017 17:29

Have you had a Carers assessment? Would you be willing to make a go of things if you had more respite and he agreed to it, or would you say it has gone too far at this stage?
If guilt is the main factor making you stay, then you will end up being ill yourself. I do really feel for you. I have seen so many people over the years struggling with demanding caring roles and little help. I have also seen the cared for making things a lot tougher.
I really would suggest getting as much support from organisations as you can x

IrritatedUser1960 · 24/10/2017 17:35

Unfortunately brain damage often does change someones personality a lot, they can become violent, mean, angry. It's not their fault, it's neurological damage. I saw this many times as a nurse.
You need to speak to your GP about where you can get help.
I suppose it depends on whether you want to look after him or not.
I had a boyfriend who was brain damaged after a car accident and became a monster as the damage affected the part of his brain to do with emotion.
I was a single mum and had only been going out with this guy for 4 months and didn't feel our relationship was well enough established for me to be his carer for life when my son wasn't his child.
Only you can decide whether you want to care for your husband or not, and if you feel you owe it to him then get as much help as you can.

MatildaTheCat · 24/10/2017 20:04

Please talk to your gpnasap and ask for support. You cannot and should not live this way. It's also having a detrimental effect on your dc.

You cannot alter his attitude or behaviour but you can limit the damage it inflicts on them. Unfortunately in this situation your duty is to protect your dc from harm. He needs to be kept safe and cared for but not necessarily by you.

Interestingly a relative became severely depressed looking after her disabled dh and, very sadly, took her own life. She was so sure he would go straight into a care home she packed his belongings. He actually stayed at home with a comprehensive care package for several more years.

She should have asked for help. So should you. You only have one life and after this long I fear he isn't going to change back. Your lovely dh has gone.

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 25/10/2017 09:35

You are so right ifeel as though my husband died the day he had his stroke and we have had to get used to living with and calling some hubby/dad the looks like him but is a complete stranger and someone that i dont like xx

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Brandnewstart · 26/10/2017 20:12

Poor you, incredibly tough. I know I have asked upthread, but have you had specific help from charities who work with Carers? X

serialcheat · 27/10/2017 00:15

Massive upheaval for you, the children and him.

But, you've done enough, and he hasn't, and it sounds cruel, but staying is not only cruel to yourself, your children, but also to him......

I know it may come over as a bit crass, but...

If you feed a starving man a fish a day, you'll have to feed him everyday of your life.

But if you teach him to fish, not only can he feed himself, he can help feed others.

AND it releases you from the cycle.

You've fed him every day since his stroke, it is now time to hand over the aspect and responsibility of learning to fish to someone else.

Wishing you great luck.

Original poster

Emmylou76 · 30/10/2017 06:12

Hi i did have a caees assessment when he first had his stroke. Over the weekend the agueing started again. It was my friends birthday so i went out with her i had 21 missed calls 5 voicemails and just unser 50 texts begging me to come home him saying i was being selfish it was my first time going out properly since his stroke x

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Brandnewstart · 30/10/2017 15:23

That is incredibly unfair of him but I suppose he feels very vulnerable without you. Would he consider a respite care? I.e. a sit-in service? Could you get directly payments? This would enable you to choose who cares for him (could be a friend/family rather than a stranger).
He does need to make a compromise to let you have a life too, and if he can't, there are hard decisions to be made
You need another Carers assessment. Your needs have changed. You were in survival mode before but now you are looking at things long term x

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