Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

He can't finish

31 replies

Jnetmummer · 20/10/2017 19:21

I've just started a new relationship with a man who had been single 5 years. We're both in our late 20's and he has psoriasis so not sure whether this is the problem (he's very self conscious), or that he hasn't had sex in a long time but he can never finish during sex.

I've spoken to him about it and he says that it isn't a problem, he just enjoys being with me but it must be frustrating?? I'm starting to feel like he doesn't fancy me which I know is silly as he keeps reassuring me (I mentioned it a couple of times to see if there was anything he really liked but he just keeps saying that he doesn't mind) but has anyone had experience of this? I've never had this happen and not really sure what I can do about it?

OP posts:

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 20/10/2017 19:24

Too much wanking, think it's called death grip or something like that.

Peonylass · 20/10/2017 19:29

My husband couldn’t orgasm for many years. He was like that when I met him but the excuse was medication, except it carried long after.

It became a big problem because he would insist he finish, getting more and more frantic. It got to the stage I couldn’t face having sex, because a) it literally took hours and b) it was all about him.

Years on I can see this was a control thing, that he couldn’t relax enough to let go. He is very passive aggressive generally.

holidayqueriwifi · 20/10/2017 19:30

I agree with roomonthebroom. Didn't get better.

FluffyFerrets · 20/10/2017 19:31

It could be he's self conscious right now but another possibility is as he's been single for the last 5 years. His own hand has possibly been his regular sex mate. Men can and do desensitise themselves to real sex sometimes - as in their grip feels nothing like a vagina- I had a fwb (not much of a benefit to be honest) before and he told me this as he had a similar problem.

Mrsjohnmurphy · 20/10/2017 19:33

This seems to be getting more common, a side effect of porn I would imagine. Ime it is pretty common, at least it's not just me, I know it shouldn't matter (let's face it it's a rare woman who gets off every time) but it makes you feel crap in the end.

Whiteranbit1977 · 20/10/2017 20:38

My exdh was like this when we first met. Couldn’t come for love nor money. I banned porn in the end as he was massively desensitising himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2017 20:50

I have past experience with this and it does not get better. In fact, it gets worse, and it will massively effect the way you feel about yourself and the relationship. It knocks the fuck out of your self-confidence, even if you KNOW his issue has nothing to do with you. End it now and move on. This will not change.

trappedinsuburbia · 20/10/2017 20:56

I had this with my ex at the start, it did get better and resolve itself.
I think it was because its a new relationship and it takes time to be able to relax and feel comfortable enough with that person to let go. I would give it a chance.

Pebbles1989 · 20/10/2017 21:59

Porn. My ex was a similar age and he NEVER came in the normal way with me. Yet he wanked multiple times a day to hardcore porn.

Pebbles1989 · 20/10/2017 21:59

And what Aquamarine said is true - my self-confidence is in tatters.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2017 22:18

To add to what I said before, and I appreciate that some may strongly disagree with me, but sexual incompatibility at the beginning of a relationship would be a total deal breaker for me, no matter what the reason behind it is. At the beginning of a relationship, especially if you're healthy and in your 20s, you should be loving getting to know each other sexually. Sustaining a relationship is hard work, no matter how much you care for each other, but when the sexual component is awful from the beginning, it's a recipe for disaster. There is nothing wrong with admitting you're simply not compatible and ending it. Life is short. Don't waste time trying to fix it when you know it can't be fixed.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 21/10/2017 10:41

I was casually dating a man for 2 years and not once did he manage to come during sex with me. It wasn't a problem because he was quite happy to stop when I'd had enough rather than be hell bent on coming. He said it didn't bother him and as it was obvious he fancied me (he didn't lose his erection during sex) it's just that he needed to go really hard and fast to stand a chance of coming and he was worried he'd hurt me if he did. I have no idea if he'd go home and wank afterwards but he never gave the impression it was frustrating for him. So I just accepted that was how he was and I didn't take is personally.

6demandingchildren · 21/10/2017 10:48

I have Psoriasis and the medication I am on has the same effect (I'm female) but I still get the pleasure it's just extremely difficult to climax, so for him that added with him being single for so long obviously has had an impact, I think you will both have to have a Frank talk about it all.

Bufferingkisses · 21/10/2017 11:12

As a change to the four of negativity here, my oh was a bit like this at first (took hours) but he stopped all wanking and it soon altered.

Importantly though, he wasn't a porn user and sex was about us both getting pleasure regardless of his climax or otherwise. As pp has said medication can have an effect.

Talk about it. If he is considerate in the bedroom and is not finishing himself off by hand I see no reason why things can't improve over time.

Annoyed5678 · 21/10/2017 12:58

Leave him, worth more than a thrill of watching Jim finish himself or spent hours him trying, life's too short to stay with such a loser in the end you'll be avoiding sex back on here complaining he watches too much porn. Deal breaker

HarmlessChap · 21/10/2017 13:41

life's too short to stay with such a loser there is every chance that this is as a due to his medical condition and you brand him a loser, I think that says more about you than him.

MainGrain · 21/10/2017 14:22

My oh was similar when we first met. He would only finish once every third or fourth time, if that. He did however make sure sex was always enjoyed by me too. Whilst he didn't always maintain an erection after a pause he did get hard again quickly. It just took time and now 8 years on we have the opposite problem of finishing too quickly. It is resolvable, but requires discussion and understanding.

cherrycola2004 · 21/10/2017 14:40

Does he cum if you give him a hand job or blow job?
My DP doesn’t always cum in me he works long hard hours and if he’s knackered it just doesn’t always happen. Is he working long hours and just exhausted? Does he drink a lot of alcohol?

I suspect single 5 years just too much wanking! Surely men can recover from this can’t they?

Annoyed5678 · 21/10/2017 14:47

Harmless chap medical is an excuse the OP is in a new relationship, late 20s suggests this isn't something she can approach him with otherwise she would of. If it was medical can talk till the cows come home but as its a case of he's wanked too much its more difficult imo. Either way this is affecting the OP self esteem and he shouldn't be making his problems feel like its her fault.

Bufferingkisses · 21/10/2017 15:40

You do realise thst a lot of men have no idea wanking can affect sex?

Honestly this place is incredible at the moment. The rise and rise of ltb at the slightest hint of meeting an issue in a relationship. What happens to communicating with each other?!

New relationships hit bumps, you're new to each other with different life experiences and expectations. If you can't communicate in the early days then no relationship is going to go the distance!

Bufferingkisses · 21/10/2017 15:41

To pp, yes men can recover from it if that's all it is. They just need to lay off and rewire to different sensations.

Deathgrip · 21/10/2017 16:02

NC as this is a bit too close to home.

My husband has this problem. He has never managed to climax during sex, or anything I can do for him (and believe me I have tried). We've been together 10 years but there have been times where I haven't been able to have sex for a while and he has a major porn habit during those times. He has to finish himself off every time we have sex, and sometimes he can't even do that although that's rare, only when he's really knackered as it takes a lot of effort.

At first I found it very difficult - I'd never encountered this before and I took it very personally for a long time. I do know now that it's isn't me though, and to be honest I now see the benefits of it too. We have a bloody amazing sex life. We have sex for hours (1-4), not all intercourse obviously, that would hurt! I am never ever left undatisfied, he can continue until I'm done. I've never had him finish quickly then fall asleep. Our sex life is awesome and once I stopped taking it personally it hasn't been a problem. We managed to conceive naturally with a bit of planning!

He has been close several times, if he can leave himself or myself alone for a few days then it's more likely to happen. Unfortunately he's back on antidepressants at the moment as struggling with anxiety so he hasn't been able to finish at all the last two nights which must be pretty hellish. So it could be another issue such as meds.

I definitely wouldn't throw away a relationship over this - he is an amazing husband and father, my best friend, we have the most amazing bond. I'd hope a man would never break up with a woman because he couldn't make her orgasm and she could only do it herself?

Deathgrip · 21/10/2017 16:21

A loser in the sack? Ha! Give me a man who can't finish over one who finishes too quickly any day. My husband is utterly amazing in bed. Thank god I didn't break up with him over it, for that and many other reasons!

Annoyed5678 · 21/10/2017 17:33

Yes deathgrip he is a loser because whilst his girlfriend is fretting he isn't exactly doing anything to improve this apart from work his girlfriend's self esteem down. This is a new relationship and already on mumsnet, its hardly going well so far

Deathgrip · 21/10/2017 18:14

Work herself esteem down? He's reassuring her that it's his issue, not her. It could be down to his medication, in which case what's he supposed to do about it? If it's a wanking / porn issue, you don't know that he's not doing anything about it.

I mean really, loser? Is a woman a loser if she can't come from penetration, but reassures her partner it's fine and her issue and is enjoying herself anyway? I'm telling you, my husband may have to finish himself but he's the best sex I've ever had, by a million miles, and he has a damn good time too, not to mention he's an incredible husband and father. It freaked me out when we got together and we had to talk about it a lot but so glad I didn't throw all that away over a function problrm.

Flip

1 2