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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner seems distant.

35 replies

Samcullen17 · 18/10/2017 19:57

Before I start I’m gay, I wasn’t sure where to post this as I need honest advice and women seem to be the most intelligent.

We have been together now for just over a year. It was love at first site we were engaged after only 6 weeks and we moved in after only a month or two. But we loved each other. everything has been great and still is. But we haven’t had sex in 4 months and I mean nothing in that department. No sex, no kissing or cuddling, no hugs, no spooning. My partner comes home from work he will sit on his phone and go to bed and that’s the routine every day unless we go see someone like family or friends.

We haven’t had a date night in 8 months and seen as we have only been together a year you can imagine it’s annoying.
He isn’t horrible to me ever he’s polite and he does say he loves me. But I just get the sense that something isn’t right.
I always tell myself it’s like he’s checked out of the relationship like he has lost interest. He doesn’t seem to be motivated for anything anymore. I love him more than life itself but I’m starting to feel odd around him and to be honest I don’t feel good about myself anymore.

What should I do how should I tackle this?

OP posts:

Annoyed5678 · 18/10/2017 20:02

You need to sit down and have a honest calm chat with each other see what the problem is, but it does sound like too much too soon in your relationship. Suggest a date night do something exciting put the spark back into your relationship if after the chat you have that's what you both want.

MiniTheMinx · 18/10/2017 20:57

That must be very hard, and feel very lonely. I suspect that men are less affectionate, or seek affection less than women. Its always said this is just the way it is. But, it need not be that way at all.

I think you need to get out of house somewhere quiet and relaxed where you can talk. Book a table in a nice place to eat. This way he can't just decide to end the conversation go have bath, walk around the house, play with his phone, switch on the tv........

I hope you can work it out.

Original poster

Samcullen17 · 18/10/2017 21:03

I have tried to leave the house before and suggested things to do. The typical “ we haven’t done anything in a while why don’t we go out” or “ we haven’t had sex for so long let’s have a romantic evening” usually I get a “sounds good” but nothing ever comes of it. I’m just unsure what to do other than confronting it now.

OP posts:

Annoyed5678 · 18/10/2017 21:04

I worry about talking in public if you get bad news from him you'll be heartbroken in such a humiliating way, if he doesn't want to put any effort in you really need to think about your options

Booagain · 18/10/2017 21:09

sorry OP that you’re feeling like this.. do you think the relationship is worth saving? If yes, then I’d suggest doing as the others have proposed - honest convo and prompting to talk about the change in behaviour.
But to be honest, i would perhaps look at ending the relationship. This should be the honeymoon period and your partner is making you miserable!

BackInTheRoom · 18/10/2017 21:09

Do you think you were in 'Limerence' at the beginning of the relationship and now this has worn off?

MiniTheMinx · 18/10/2017 21:12

Is he older than you?

Is there any possibility that he suffers from depression?

Original poster

Samcullen17 · 18/10/2017 21:14

I’m not going to end it and tbf that’s not gonna happen cos the love we hold for each other is amazing. It’s something that will just require talking and work

OP posts:

Annoyed5678 · 18/10/2017 21:41

Op seems this love is in your part only at the moment he's distant making you feel bad that isn't love

Original poster

Samcullen17 · 18/10/2017 22:13

I wouldn’t say it’s depression. Could be stress but then he never tells me what’s on his mind. He just says he’s fine all the time

OP posts:

Original poster

Samcullen17 · 18/10/2017 22:15

Think I need to talk to him and tell him how I feel. Just Dunno how to tackle it

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 18/10/2017 22:18

That's not love, on either side. You don't love this man who's distant with you. You might be obsessed with him, but that's a different thing. He doesn't love you, either, otherwise he wouldn't be distant. You would KNOW he loved you by the way he behaved. You don't need to say "I love you" to someone (though that is nice) because it should be absolutely obvious. Look at how he's behaving. You've told us how he behaves and that isn't the way that someone in love behaves. Forget what he says. Anyone can talk the talk.

Dappledsunlight · 18/10/2017 22:33

Sam, is he having a tough time at work or family problems? I think in such situations it's advisable to take the bull by the horns and say that you sense he has switched off a little and ask if there's anything he needs to share. If he doesn't disclose any obvious concerns, it's then time to get specific and set a definite date for a special night out...or night in , or a break away from it all. It's natural in relationships to have lulls but it's a great sign of your love that you are noticing this and want to reach out to your partner to deepen your closeness.

Jayfee · 18/10/2017 22:41

Could you both give Relate a chance??

Original poster

Samcullen17 · 19/10/2017 08:14

Ok first off to the person that has come on and told me we don’t love each other you need to take the negativity and go sorry I don’t mean that in a bad way but read what you put. If I didn’t love him then I would be on this website asking for advice and trying to sort out our relationship I would have walked away by now. I came on here to get the advice I need from people who have gone through it or who are going through it and we can help each other. The relationships may end that’s a possibility but do not say it’s down to there being no love because that’s not the case.

OP posts:

LoverOfCake · 19/10/2017 08:30

Tbh it sounds as if the relationship has run its course.

While many relationships do develop quickly, in general, a year in is about the time when you start to evaluate where the future is, where you're going etc. Being engaged after six weeks and falling madly in love is all very well, but the truth is that when that happens you are falling in love with a hope of how you want the future to look, and while some relationships do continue to develop along those lines it's not uncommon for people to re-evaluate at the point where everything starts to settle down into some kind of normality.

If you haven't had any physical affection for four months we're talking about a third of the relationship time here. It's likely that you still love your partner and that your feelings haven't changed, but it seems clear that his have. If they hadn't the relationship wouldn't have changed so dramatically so quickly.

You need to talk to him and you need to ask him to be honest with you, and you need to be open to what he has to say. Saying that he loves you and you're certain of that isn't going to be enough. If he no longer loves you he has the right to feel that and the right to say it. You can't guess his feelings for him if he's not told you what he's feeling or if he doesn't feel permitted to do so.

parklives · 19/10/2017 08:35

Doesn’t sound like a relationship to me, more like flat mates.
I think your initial infatuation with each other has worn off and there’s nothing of substance left.
If this was a relationship of 20 years I would say work at it, but less than a year? Time for you both to more on and find people who will interest you, give affection and love.

NotTheFordType · 19/10/2017 08:39

to the person that has come on and told me we don’t love each other you need to take the negativity and go

You said you wanted honest advice, and that's what you're getting. You want the viewpoints of people who have been through this - most people have encountered a relationship like this, and it's because it's the final stages of a relationship where one party has checked out but can't be bothered/brave enough to pull the plug.

How old are you? Is this your first co-habiting relationship?

hellsbellsmelons · 19/10/2017 08:47

There are soooo many red flags here it's disturbing.
It all happened way way too fast.
It will be overwhelming.
If he's always on his phone and doesn't want any physical contact with you then we can predict there is probably someone else in the wings.
This is not a kind and loving relationship.
You need to cut your losses and move on.
What is the situation with regards to living arrangements.
Do you rent together?
Who is the main tenant if you do?
It's still early days.
This SHOULD be the honeymoon period but it's not.
That's not right and it's not normal.

Original poster

Samcullen17 · 19/10/2017 09:50

Ok so let me just get this straight. A website that is filled with topics about cheating husbands and wives, gambling and drug addictions, abuse. Those situations their being told to stay with their partners. Oh he’s gambling everyday but support him
And stick at it. Yet my relationship should just be ended right away. Like nah don’t try it’s over. Or is it because I’m a man??? Wow did I choose the wrong website to post a topic.

OP posts:

Booagain · 19/10/2017 10:12

Hi Sam, I posted a while back - lots of replies on MN generally seem to be brutal but honest. I don’t think you’re getting negative comments because you’re a guy.
Anyway, that aside, I reiterate my point earlier, I think if you feel you want to save it, talk and prompt your partner and maybe give yourself a private deadline to see some change. If not, I would leave it. This is coming also, as previous people have said, from someone who’s been there.

LoverOfCake · 19/10/2017 10:36

Anyone who had only been in a relationship for a year and whose partner appeared to have lost interest would be being told to cut their losses and move on as it appeared the relationship had run its course.

Let's be honest here, if he's lost interest in you physically after only eight months is that what you want for the rest of your life?

Being engaged after only six weeks means nothing. The relationship moved at a spectacular rate but the truth is that after six weeks you didn't know each other in the same way as if you'd been together for months or years.

And the fact that the affection has ceased after only eight months is a very clear indication that something has changed for him.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard this early on. If you have good communication then communicate, but it's evident that you don't because it's been like this for a 3rd of your relationship and you're no closer to having any answers.

PatriciaHolm · 19/10/2017 10:46

A website where women are told to stay with abusive partners? I think you’ve got the wrong place. If anything, MN is known for its tendency to say LTB.

You are in a relationship where you haven’t dated for 2/3rds of it and haven’t had sex for 1/3 of it.

That’s not a relationship.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/10/2017 11:00

Sam, I feel for you. You are reacting just like someone who's being told a few home truths but is in denial. What do you want to hear? That you just need to say the right thing and he'll suddenly be all over you? I hate to say it, but it's very unlikely to happen.

You say The typical “ we haven’t done anything in a while why don’t we go out” or “ we haven’t had sex for so long let’s have a romantic evening” usually I get a “sounds good” but nothing ever comes of it. Are you organising things and he's refusing to come along? Or are you waiting for him to get proactive and do something? Have you tried organising an activity for the two of you, and if you have, what happens? Maybe he's waiting for you to take the lead and pull him out of his relationship slump.

Although, saying that, it just sounds as though he hasn't got a clue how to behave in a relationship and just can't be bothered to put himself out for you. That's not love, sweetie, that's tolerance. You are worth so much more. Nobody should ever be made to feel as you said - I’m starting to feel odd around him and to be honest I don’t feel good about myself anymore. Relationships should make you feel better about yourself, not worse.

Booagain · 19/10/2017 11:13

^
Exactly

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