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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't accept that my partner wants me.

30 replies

GemLouBrierley · 16/10/2017 14:50

I have never done anything like this before so please forgive me if I ramble on. I have been with my partner just over two years and we have a son who is a little over 3 months. I have never really been confident about my looks but since having a baby I am worse. Not long after giving birth my partner left his Facebook open and I was scrolling through thinking it was mine. (We have the same profile picture) when I saw he had commented on how great this female friend of his looked in her picture. I was crushed as I literally felt rubbish. Since then I looked through his messages once and seen that he is always sharing pictures of porn stars with friends, talking explicitly about what he would do with them. I am a fat frumpy mum who has no time to do my hair or makeup anymore. I can't compare to these women. I have talked about it to my partner and he says he fancies me. I can't accept that.

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 16/10/2017 14:54

I don't think you're the problem here op! For your partner to make such vile comments about women is unacceptable , you're fine , he's a disgusting pig.

Robots1Humans0 · 16/10/2017 15:10

Being a new mum is the absolute pits in terms of self esteem, as you just never have the time for your appearance like you used to, it always seems to take a back seat! As hard as it is, try and get a bit of 'you' time in - be it one hour a week at the gym/pool/something to get the endorphins going, or get DP to hold the baby for 10 min on a morning so you can put a bit mascara on Smile for me I started to go to slimming world around about this time - absolutely not saying that weight loss = increased self esteem because it doesn't work like that, but doing something for me that made me feel better and more human really worked.

category12 · 16/10/2017 15:11

Grim. He is, I mean.

What do you see in him?

Lovemusic33 · 16/10/2017 15:14

He sounds very childish.

Cambionome · 16/10/2017 15:16

He sounds awful. Confusedp

fredericapotterslawyer · 16/10/2017 15:17

Lack of mascara is not the problem here. Is your partner 14? Honestly, you need to get rid. I know that's easier said than done, but I can't see how anyone could begin to feel good about themselves, living with a man like that.

Original poster
GemLouBrierley · 16/10/2017 15:26

Thanks for your replies. Believe it or not he is 37,i am 31. This is an issue I am forever bringing up it feels like. I can't let it go. The last time I tried to get just some reassurance from him he said he was going to ignore me until it passes. Leaving him is hard. I love him and I moved a 3.5 hour drive away from friends and family to be with him. I give up everything. I want to try and make things work for our son. As for a gym or any activity, I don't have friends or family to watch Ds for me.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/10/2017 15:28

"As for a gym or any activity, I don't have friends or family to watch Ds for me." You have a dh tho.

MagicFajita · 16/10/2017 15:31

Making this work most likely requires you losing every ounce of your confidence. Are you prepared to do that?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/10/2017 15:36

I can't let it go.

I wouldn’t be able to; either. He sounds grotesque.

fredericapotterslawyer · 16/10/2017 15:40

I am so sorry. It sounds like a really shit situation. But I don't think responses on here are going to vary much. You've given limited information but what you've said does not sound good:

He doesn't seem to do his fair share of childcare
He objectifies women
He has no empathy. You ask him for reassurance and his response is to ignore it!
He allowed you to give up everything to be with him, and now you're isolated as a result.

Take your little boy and go home. Back to the people who really love you. The man you live with sounds unkind, and at 37 it's unlikely he'll change

Original poster
GemLouBrierley · 16/10/2017 15:42

My partner hasn't taken care of Ds on his own yet. I usually do it all when he is home weekends. I think he will have to start taking some responsibility so maybe I can start, hopefully sorting myself out. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
RedBlackberries · 16/10/2017 15:48

I bet you're much prettier (not to mention smarter and more mature than the twat you're saddled with) than you think and you're thinking that away because of him.

You don't need to make yourself pretty for him but you do need some time alone to reconnect with yourself.

Gemini69 · 16/10/2017 15:55

no offence OP but this guy sounds like he lives a 'Single Man' life... he does nothing for you or your DS... he leaving you with low self esteem and morale .. he won't look after his DS to allow you even a few hours to yourself...

I agree with the Poster who asked.. what do YOU get out of loving this man.. what does he bring you emotionally.. mentally and physically.. Flowers

Launderetta · 16/10/2017 15:57

His behaviour is gross (& unfortunately not untypical of ignorant, immature men nowadays, but that doesn't make it in any way acceptable). Who is he talking to? I'm sure their partners would be equally disgusted.

It's sadly not unusu to feel like you feel, too, particularly in the early stages of motherhood (I did). Put the two together & its a toxic combination and is totally unfair on you.
There are so many things you can do, with your DS, which are good for you - swimming, playing in the park or garden, walking with his pushchair and so on.
Book yourself a hair appt when DH can have your DS, as you said yourself he's his son too!
Does your son go on any play dates? Those can be so good for you too, as well as him, either giving you time for yourself or letting you talk to another adult human being!

On a separate note, if your user name is close to your RL name, you'd probably be best changing it, simply to protect your identity now & in future.

Good luck with everything, things will improve Flowers

Original poster
GemLouBrierley · 16/10/2017 16:15

It might sound strange but aside the "porn women" we usually have an OK relationship. I usually busy myself with the house work and the baby but the time we do spend together is usually pleasant but I am starting to feel that it's more platonic from his point of view. And no no, this isn't my real name. X

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 16/10/2017 16:17

Do not sort yourself out for your hubby!!! He is a vile pig by the sounds of it.

Absolutely do it for yourself though as there is nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in your own body. Do keep in mind you only had a baby 12 weeks ago, it took 9 months to grow your baby it is very rare for anybody to snap back so quickly.

I doubt If the shoe was on the other foot your hubby would be overly pleased at you complimenting male work colleagues or sending your gf’s pics of well endowed muscle hunks and saying what you’d like to do to them Hmm. He would deny it of course to justify his behaviour but it’s not acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

Eolian · 16/10/2017 16:28

It is very telling that when someone suggested you take some time for yourself, you answered that you don't have any friends or family to look after ds for you. Surely the first person who should occur to you for childcare is your ds' actual other parent! It is totally unacceptable for your husband to continue to take no responsibility for his own child and let you do everything, even at the weekend!

Rubbishparent82 · 16/10/2017 16:31

Pin a naked fireman calendar to your bedroom wall. Set your Facebook cover photo to a shirtless Burt Reynolds circa 1972. Book a night out to see the Dreamboys with your gal friends while he watches the baby. He will soon change his sorry tune!

Original poster
GemLouBrierley · 16/10/2017 17:02

I don't know if this relevant but I am also on medication for depression and anxiety. I have sent my partner a long txt telling him exactly how I feel. I am currently nervous waiting a reply as I don't like to keep mentioning it but there has to be some resolution apart from ending the relationship? I appreciate all the responses and I understand that I probably sound a little pathetic, it's how I feel right now.

OP posts:
Rubbishparent82 · 16/10/2017 17:06

You do not sound pathetic. That was a very brave and wise thing you just did. We will all be here for you whatever he replies. Hope he listens and takes your worries seriously.

Mustang27 · 16/10/2017 17:11

Absolutely not pathetic!!! You need support and the person that’s supposed to be doing that has their head so far up their own arse it’s disgusting. Your depression and anxiety has no bearing on how utterly useless he has been with helping with ds so please don’t make any excuses for how you feel. I hope he comes back with something suitably apologetic and gets his finger out.

Brahms3rdracket · 16/10/2017 17:20

God no you're not pathetic, his behaviour is.

fredericapotterslawyer · 16/10/2017 17:26

Your mental health is highly relevant. Were you depressed and anxious before you met him? Or has this come on since you lived together?

Original poster
GemLouBrierley · 16/10/2017 17:48

I always suffered with depression but it escalated when dad passed away from cancer just after me and she got together. He did reply and just said "there's nothing wrong with you and I am not going through this again" All I want to know is how can he fancy these women he keeps sharing pictures of and be with me. He can't answer that.

OP posts:
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