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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just honest, rude or something else?

51 replies

somewherehere · 15/10/2017 01:54

Hello. I read a post here and made me think about DP behavior. So far i thought that his little comments about things, are rude or "honest " as he says but now i think maybe there is more to it. I always found them hurtful or annoying but not "serious" enough to make an issue .
For example i suggested to watch my favorite movie. When it finished he went out of his way (research the internet etc) to show me that "the movie is ok" but "the director made so many mistakes and the actors are bad". Or i said i love this song it makes me feel happy. At start he didnt recognize the title but when it started playing he said "oh this one yes i know it i hate it". Or we were watching a serial and he commented that "this person seem to be from [my town]. I asked who and he replied "the retarded one". This behavior goes to more serious things too. I can say that i am tired and he will reply along the lines that he is too because his job is tiring , not like mine. Etc etc
Since i read that post i keep thinking that is not just rude or honest but something more?

OP posts:
Cherryberrypie · 15/10/2017 02:59

You are correct, this is something more. This is spiteful, hurtful, unacceptable behaviour from a man who does not deserve the title of DP. He sounds like a bully who doesn't even like you. I would ditch him.

Schmoopy · 15/10/2017 07:12

Oh I know what this is.

Something else?

You're trying to suggest he's "on the spectrum" aren't you?

He's not. HTH.

Onlymeeeeee · 15/10/2017 07:25

@schmoopy I read it as OP is suggesting he's Negging her, not alluding to AS.

Angelf1sh · 15/10/2017 07:29

Why are you with this guy? He sounds like an utter prick. And an ableist one at that. I'd dump him, he's spiteful and mean, not qualities I find attractive.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 15/10/2017 07:32

I know what it is, un diagnosed dickishness. My dh can have bouts of it (particularly with films and music too) but these days he gets pulled up sharp. It's a form of mansplaining to make you think your opinion is not as valid as his.

Angelf1sh · 15/10/2017 07:32

Oh btw, the song one is one thing, it's fine to hate songs others love (I hate the fairytale of New York for example) but to actively research why you're wrong to like a film is entirely another!

Hassled · 15/10/2017 07:33

He enjoys demeaning you - your opinions aren't valid and he can prove it because of X, Y and Z. His opinions are always valid. That's not "honesty" - that's just called being unkind. It must be shit for you - I'm sorry.

cordeliavorkosigan · 15/10/2017 07:36

Ditch ditch ditch. He's being an arse. At best he doesn't love and respect you and is insecure and petty and mean. At worst he is trying to undermine your self esteem and become the centre of your world and it's a red flag for future abuse.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/10/2017 07:42

You are always wrong. He is always right. You have bad taste. He has good taste. Everyone agree that he is better than you, he has proof on the internet.

If you have the temerity to think your opinions are valid, especially if you seem happy and confident, then he will move swiftly to remind you that your opinions are shit and you yourself are therefore a bit shit. Unlike him, who is amazing and should be adored.

He doesn't actually like you.

Does he live with you?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/10/2017 07:42

He spoiled the film for you and for what? Put you in your place. This will only get worse

FinallyHere · 15/10/2017 07:47

I agree with Rabbit (and everyone else).

He is putting you down in order to make himself feel bigger. These are not the actions if a kind and decent person. Sack him off and never see him again, make the rest of your life great, without him.

Schmoopy · 15/10/2017 07:53

Onlymeeeeee

Except that she referred to reading another thread on here. There was another thread on here within the last week that asked if a partner was just ruderor whether they might have ASD.

I might have missed a thread about negging though...

IsThisTheRealYou · 15/10/2017 07:57

Ho long have you dated him? He doesn't sound very nice.

Lweji · 15/10/2017 08:05

LTB
It will only lead to heartache if you don't.

Schmoopy

I doubt you'll have read all threads and posts on MN to know what the OP referred to.

Onecall · 15/10/2017 08:31

My exh did this, sneered at things I was interested in to make me feel small until sometimes I avoided telling him things. It's awful. I wouldn't put up with it again.

strugglingthroughlife · 15/10/2017 08:44

Sounds like my life, I’ve stopped saying what I like and don’t like and now that’s a problem because apparently I don’t talk to him.

TheStoic · 15/10/2017 08:46

Stay with him if you like being in a relationship with an adolescent. Otherwise, throw him back and see what else is out there.

whatisgoingon1 · 15/10/2017 08:55

OP by any chance are you more successful than him carieer wise? Earn more money? That would explain these little digs.

Offred · 15/10/2017 09:08

Controlling.

That’s what it is.

My recent ex was exactly like this... making pronouncements all the time that the things that he liked were ‘of superior quality’ objectively speaking...

Any discussion re art, music etc always came back to there being ‘objective standards’ which just so happened to be in line with what he happened to like.

I spent years feeling put down (I still can’t watch gogglebox because I once suggested he might like it, got a rant about how it sounded awful only for him to later get obsessed with it when his male friend suggested he watch it) just absorbing his incessant superiority until the day I finally bit back;

I explained that whilst it could be argued that there were ‘objective standards’ re quality of music they were broad, and were not the be all and end all, as popularity is a major factor in how all forms of art influence culture. Popularity can be enduring, can be for reasons other than the piece of art’s quality as a piece e.g. bob dylan, that some pieces of art that meet the ‘objective standards’ for beauty or quality don’t inspire or reach enough people to influence culture and so their importance is limited. That it is ok to enjoy art that touches you personally even if it doesn’t meet ‘objective standards’ of quality and that I felt the ‘objective standards’ were different to what he thought they were, that he was just applying that term to his own taste In order to make himself seem superior to others...

This resulted in punishment behaviour.

Shoxfordian · 15/10/2017 09:21

He sounds like he's undermining you and trying to make you feel stupid

Isetan · 15/10/2017 09:24

This is who he is and according to him you aren’t at his level and the poor man has to repeatedly tell you so because you clearly need reminding. Know your place little lady and be extremely grateful that he’s allowed you into his orbit and that he tolerates your poor taste/ stupidity.

Yep, he’s an arsehole and you can’t fix him.

Joysmum · 15/10/2017 09:30

I had someone like that in my life. I learnt the way to handle it was to comment on how weird I found their behaviour and ask why they felt the need to do it when nobody else does.

Of course, that was make or break. Their behaviour relented periodically and then ramped up again as that's just how they are. I dropped them as life is too short to waste on people who don't enhance your life enough.

AhYerWill · 15/10/2017 09:43

It's not a good, kind, supportive relationship is it? Most people don't have exactly the same tastes as their DP, but they don't tear down the other person for it. If anything they'll bite their lip if they thought it was a bit crap, because good partners don't try to destroy the things you love, be it physical objects, other relationships with friends and family or experiences.

Fuck being with someone mean and nasty who tries to bring you down, find someone who likes who you are and makes you feel like you could conquer the world.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 15/10/2017 09:43

He doesn't sound very nice Sad and obviously gets pleasure (or at least satisfaction) from making you feel silly or inferior.

My DP is not perfect, nobody is, but for example he mentioned a song that he didn't like, I said I loved it and he said he'd listen to it differently next time knowing that I liked it.

For me the test of a good relationship is to ask yourself are you on the same team or opposite sides? If the majority of the time it's you v him in some way (which it seems from your Op that it is) then you're not a team.

It's not "you & him against the world" and you will spend your life trying to win, or more likely losing the will to even fight and trying to tolerate him winning at your expense.

Next time he says something like this challenge him on it, ask him why it is so important to prove you wrong, or what he gets out of making you feel silly. Get his negativity out in the open and you will be able to see whether it's a habit he has got into without realising how damaging it is, or whether he is in fact just a dick and you should leave asap.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 15/10/2017 09:57

Wow, he sounds like an utter dick! Btw my ex used to google actors if we watched a film to back up his opinions or correct me on an actors name. It's unbelievably petty behaviour demonstrated by twats. Bin.

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