Just honest, rude or something else?

[somewherehere]

Hello. I read a post here and made me think about DP behavior. So far i thought that his little comments about things, are rude or "honest " as he says but now i think maybe there is more to it. I always found them hurtful or annoying but not "serious" enough to make an issue .
For example i suggested to watch my favorite movie. When it finished he went out of his way (research the internet etc) to show me that "the movie is ok" but "the director made so many mistakes and the actors are bad". Or i said i love this song it makes me feel happy. At start he didnt recognize the title but when it started playing he said "oh this one yes i know it i hate it". Or we were watching a serial and he commented that "this person seem to be from [my town]. I asked who and he replied "the retarded one". This behavior goes to more serious things too. I can say that i am tired and he will reply along the lines that he is too because his job is tiring , not like mine. Etc etc
Since i read that post i keep thinking that is not just rude or honest but something more?

He's a dickhead.

Lweji fair point.

Perhaps the OP will come back at some point and elaborate because, whatever she thinks it might be, I think we're all in agreement that he's not a nice man!

LTB for using the term retarded
Shows you who he is, doesn't it?

The rest of it proves it.
Meet someone nice and kind who doesn't have to be 'better' than you!!

He's deliberately demeaning you. Fancy going out of your way to research a film so he can tell you how inferior it is, and therefore how poor your tastes are. He's an arse.

It's fine to disagree about books, music etc, and even to have heated arguments about a particular band/author/film director. It's a problem when one person is continually bashing everything the other person likes, because that's not about the music or the movie, it's about bullying.

He sounds awful OP. Like he always needs to be better than you and deliberately sucks the joy out of anything that makes you happy.

Thank you all for the replies. It wouldn't be an issue if he wasnt doing it every day for various issues. I now realise that there is intent and its not just "the way he is". If i try to say something he will reply along the lines that i am sensitive or he just being honest
@Schmoopy i dont understand your reply it seems that you though about the wrong post? The one i am referring to was talking about how people making subtle comments with intent to insult you. I remember was giving as an example that he will tell you about your favourite football team with a smile and then try to prove to you why his team is better. DP constantly making comments like this for everything from movies to my life choices and i never realized that they are intentional.
@RunRabbitRunRabbit No we dont live together, we are supposed to get marries but now i dont know.I can not marry someone who realizes that he hurts me and he tries to make me feel less
@whatisgoingon1 Yes i have a university degree (he hasnt)and better job (he keeps changing jobs because "they dont appreciate him). I did though of this at some point as a reason because he constantly trying to prove to me how hard his job is and how mine "is easy" and "nothing special"

Sorry OP, he sounds like a nasty man.

He’s belittling you in order to look superior because your accademic and work success is threatening to him and he resents you for it. He wants the glory and reward your achievements bring though but cant manage it himself but he’s making you pay for his lack of achievement.

Dont stay with him. It will only get worse.

I know the thought of breaking up with him is terrifying right now but you’ll be better off six months from now and you’ll be free to find a loving and supportive partner.

That's very revealing that you have a degree and a better job than him. Massive chip on his shoulder.

Maybe his digs aren't even intentional. If he is really insecure, he might do this almost without realising. But it doesn't really matter if it's intentional or not - it will grind you down and make you feel completely worthless.

It's fine to disagree about books, music etc, and even to have heated arguments about a particular band/author/film director. It's a problem when one person is continually bashing everything the other person likes, because that's not about the music or the movie, it's about bullying.

Also a problem and bullying if one person considers themselves the ultimate arbiter of whether anything is of value and gears every conversation about anything to one that is designed to demonstrate their superiority.

This is a level further than bullying as the intention is nothing to do with hurting or upsetting others, it’s incredibly self centred, all about how they are superior. Showing it, revelling in it. Other people’s upset or lack of engagement is only seen in relation to it being an exercise in superiority.

Ex was like this. It was not possible for people to simply like or not like things. There had to be ‘the right way’ to think about things (how he thought and this was ‘the objective standard’) and everything else was ‘the wrong way’.

If pushed re why he felt qualified to be the ultimate arbiter he would descend into ridiculousness such as ‘I played the trumpet as a child’ to justify why he was the ultimate arbiter of the objective standards re ‘the quality’ of music.

If I did not want to enter into these types of conversations and tried to steer them back to ‘well what people like often doesn’t have much to do with what is ‘good’’ I was ‘sitting on the fence’ and this meant I ‘do not have the confidence/knowledge/validity’ to add anything meaningful to the conversation.

If I bit back it would descend deeper and deeper into ridiculousness and would become an exercise in tearing me down personally.

If I said it was hurting my feelings he would say ‘I always forget how sensitive you are’ or ‘I feel like I am always stepping on landmines!’ Or he would point blank stonewall me or make a dramatic fuss of being sad and demand comfort.

If I walked away I would be ‘having a dramatic tantrum’ or ‘being manipulative so you can get the last word’

It was exhausting.

And someone once said to me ‘do you think he is intimidated by your more authentic intelligence?’

Which is another version of what’s already been said...

I dismissed it at the time as ex is very qualified and cerebral but I now think it was on the money. Nothing else explains why he was constantly, and I mean constantly trying to make every tiny thing all about how superior he was.

If there's one single thing that I hope for about future partners for my DC, it's that they are kind.

Your DP is not kind.

He sounds like an absolute shit: you're well rid.
Also, OP - dump this prick. You owe him nothing.

Yes he is an absolute shit and I am well rid. Boiling frog springs to mind. I became such an anxious and depressed unconfident cowed person slowly over the relationship just with the constant drip drip of his high conflict insecurity led superiority complex... we couldn’t do anything by the end apart from eating out and watching specific ‘safe’ tv, as going anywhere, meeting anyone, talking about anything, listening to anything would either be tense or high conflict... and it would always be my fault (over sensitive/crazy/embarrassing etc)...

Police are dealing with him now...

So yes, OP, run away... there is just no talking with or dealing with someone with an insecurity based superiority complex. They will only ever relate to you as a competitor to be destroyed.

That sounds awful Offred - incredibly draining and depressing.

Did he become violent in the end, Offred?

With time and space I can see exactly that the criticisms constantly levelled at me were projections of his insecurity.

In that context I would read the things mentioned in the op as he is insecure about; 1. His taste, either his right to just like what he likes or other’s approval of what he likes 2. The town he is from or his general origins...

But analysing why you’ve experienced this crappy feeling from this pathological person is a. Sometimes bad and really you just need to know they are not good to be around and b. Only something to be done away from them and with a view to avoiding people like them in the future IMO.

I once read something about some psychologists who could predict with alarming accuracy whether a couple would still be together in 5 years time, based on video footage of the couple having a chat. What they look for was signs of contempt. Your partner's behaviour seems contemptuous. Do you want to live with that long term?

It was going that way yes. Increasingly aggressive, increasing fear of violence, sexual aggression, violence to property, preventing me leaving, interfering with my friendships, stalking type behaviours increasing.

At the beginning it was exactly in the op. Just ‘being honest’ drip drip....

And the reason I said initially it is controlling is because this kind of thing is about the person’s need to dominate in order to be in control.

People might not immediately see it is controlling but the effect it has controls you. You gradually build up an increasingly large list of things you are ‘not allowed’ to watch, listen to, talk about, like, see, think about etc

You end up doing, thinking, saying etc things that only the other person likes/will tolerate.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit No we dont live together, we are supposed to get marries but now i dont know.I can not marry someone who realizes that he hurts me and he tries to make me feel less

You don’t know how happy those words made me feel.

Good don’t progress your relationship any further. Tell him each time he’s ‘honest’ or puts you down it kills a little bit more love you have for him and one day there won’t be much back. Then punctuate it with a withering look and silence each time he does it.

Eventually you’ll dump his arse and good riddance.

Or you can cut the crap and dump him now.

You know there doesn't have to be one big incident that crosses a line for you to dump him, right? You can just say "This relationship isn't making me happy. It's over." You don't have to give any reasons beyond "it's just not working for me" "I can't see us together long-term" "it's me not you" "I can't help tg way I feel, it's over."

Being an insecure sort he will probably kick off and be nasty to you. He will try to demand your precise reasons, if you give him any then he will argue and make you feel stupid and wrong. Stick to general reasons about your feelings.

RunRabbit & Offered are absolutely right, this is about domination & proving you are not as good as him. For whatever reason, constantly trying to prove he is more intelligent, no self esteem, it will be a battle to be allowed to be "you".
There i s no happy ending, this situation leads down a long road of unhappiness.
Thank God you are infact intelligent enough to see him for what he is, a bully not married.