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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Who is the unreasonable one?

40 replies

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/10/2017 08:15

OH's brother is getting married abroad and as usual I was left to book and sort absolutely everything including washing and ironing OH's clothes. The only thing I asked him to do was sort out the kids tablets as the charging was dodgy (asked him about a month ago).

I kept reminding him and then today he tells me he can't fix them (day before we leave). He was dropping me to the train station and because I said I was annoyed that he didn't do the one thing I asked he started roaring at me in front of the kids, calling me stupid, saying I'm causing a row and making comments about my father.

I'm furious. I'm so sick of him. I'm not even looking forward to this holiday because MIL is just like him. Was I in the wrong to expect one thing to be sorted. He just floats around detached all the time.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2017 08:20

Why has it been left to you to sort everything, do you have slave written on you somewhere?. He seems to be basically showing a lack of care for you and in turn your children, if its not "important" enough for him to do then he won't do it. He sees it as your work instead.

On a much wider level why are you with this person at all, what does this man actually bring to the table?. I would seriously consider your future at all within this because you are in for more of the same, such men who float around detached all the time do not change and make for being crap relationship material. And in his case too like mother, like son.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing your children?.

Blanca87 · 10/10/2017 08:21

Stop being a martyr, let him sort his shite out. You will feel better and he can reskill as a functioning adult.

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/10/2017 08:46

AtillaTheMeerkat,
I'm always left to sort things out. DD is undergoing assessments now for possible SPD/ADHD and he doesn't even ask how her appointments go. He's only interested in if they affect his work.

I am trying to get myself a bit more financially sustainable. I thought I could wait another year but I'm so upset today.

OP posts:

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/10/2017 08:51

Blanca87,

Yes you're right. He is good with the kids in that he'll get them up for school and bring them out at weekends but he's so angry and snappy all the time. And so detached from them

OP posts:

AngelsSins · 10/10/2017 16:30

Can you drop out of going to the wedding and leave OH with the kids to go? That might give you time to have a long hard think about what you're getting out of this relationship. He clearly has no respect for you.

You also need to stop doing things for him, why should you? Because you were born female and his magical penis is a free pass from behaving like a parent and partner?

winterwinter · 10/10/2017 20:09

Seriously don’t go to the fucking wedding, pack his shit and leave it on the doorstop for when he returns. The fact he hasn’t been interested in your daughters health is TERRIBLE

MinervaSaidThar · 10/10/2017 20:18

I agree with winter

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/10/2017 21:14

I can't drop out of the wedding unfortunately. The kids are going too and it would break their hearts if I didn't go. I wouldn't like to leave them with him and his family for 5 nights either.

It's very upsetting that he's no interest in her appointments. He's so detached from it all. She had a hearing test last week and it took him 2 days to ask.

OP posts:

DownTownAbbey · 11/10/2017 07:19

I get why you feel obliged to go ahead with this wedding. I'm also glad you're planning your escape. Keep your powder dry and get yourself into every one of the wedding photos. Something for them to remember you by in the decades to come

Hermonie2016 · 11/10/2017 07:53

Is he detached or just selfish?

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 11/10/2017 09:15

DowntownAbbey - that made me smile. I'll photobomb a lot of the pictures! I'm just going to concentrate on the sunshine and the kids

OP posts:

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 11/10/2017 09:20

Hermione - he's both. This morning I woke up and did something to my neck. I don't generally suffer with my neck/back but I aggravated it at the weekend. He was only concerned about how it affected him and gets angry because I'm not feeling great. He reluctantly said he would bring DD to her assessment but was moaning because he hasn't had a shower etc. Not that I'd let him bring her because he doesn't have a clue about what's going on in her life. But everything is related back to how it affects him.

OP posts:

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 11/10/2017 09:20

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 11/10/2017 18:22

Its not unreasonable to ask him to sort tablets, it's not unreasonable to be frustrated that he didnt do it.

It's highly unreasonable that he yelled at you.He did it to shut you up.

You are not responsible for his detached or selfish behaviour.He chooses his behaviour.

Does he ever apologise?

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 14/10/2017 12:35

Hermione,

He would apologise but would say he only did it because I did X, Y and Z

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 12:38

That's not really an apology then.

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 14/10/2017 12:40

Quick update. The last few days have been okay. The wedding is today and he's been fussing over the speech. His family don't communicate well and basically he didn't know he'd to do one until yesterday.

So he asked for my help and I said no. The reason I said no is because he would start putting down every suggestion I make. I texted my sister to express my frustration and he read it and texted something nasty about me.

When I kept refusing to help with the speech is called me a c*nt and stamped on my toe. He said stamping on my toe was a mistake and he didn't mean it. This was done in front of the kids. He's now giving me the silent treatment.

MIL has been behaving herself which is good.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 14/10/2017 14:04

When you get home, book into the Freedom Programme. You'll recognise him there.

I mean it. Book a place on that course xx

HarmlessChap · 14/10/2017 14:51

FFS the man is an utterly selfish twat. I hope you meet someone decent when you leave him.

Moanyoldcow · 14/10/2017 19:33

I've been with my DH for 12 years. We can irritate each other like all couples but he would never dream of speaking to me like that. Never. He sounds lazy and unpleasant and I couldn't be with someone like that and you shouldn't either.

Do you want your children growing up thinking the way he treats you is acceptable? To behave like him? That's what will happen.

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 15/10/2017 08:02

Springydaffs - I'll definitely look into that when I get home. He is so charming to everyone I'm afraid nobody will believe me when I tell them stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 15/10/2017 08:06

Harmlesschap,

He is so selfish. He spent all yesterday morning stomping around mins mood and telling me I was causing a fight.

I don't know if I'd ever have any interest in meeting anyone after him. I think I'd rather stay in my own, that way I can't get hurt.

OP posts:

Original poster

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 15/10/2017 08:09

Moany - I want my kids to have a good role model for a parent. That's why I'm leaving DH. Thankfully my DS is turning out to be a gent with lovely manners. Something his father definitely isn't

OP posts:

Cambionome · 15/10/2017 08:11

God - he sounds absolutely awful. As soon as you get home, start sorting everything out. See a solicitor, start getting paperwork together and maybe start a list of all his awful behaviour. This will bolster you if you start wondering if you've imagined it all in the future.

Good luck.

Angelf1sh · 15/10/2017 08:20

God he sounds awful, and it's bullshit that stamping on your toe was an accident- why was he that close to you?!! I only really wanted to add that you've said he's good with the kids, but he isn't is he? He shouts and is violent around them, doesn't care about their health or take responsibility for getting them to appointments and doesn't think their things are important enough to both to fix if broken (I'm damn sure he'd have got his own tablet fixed). The only positive you've said to justify your assertion that he's good with the kids is that he gets them up for school - this isn't even the bare minimum I'd expect from a parent! Women are unfortunately socially conditioned into believing that child care is our responsibility and so when a man does literally anything at all they get applauded for it. You need to take a good look at the situation and ask yourself objectively if he's good with the kids because to me he sounds terrible.

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