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Original poster

Can a relationship survive abortion?

44 replies

OhShit2017 · 09/10/2017 23:51

I’m in the horrible situation of an unplanned pg after a contraception failure. I’m so upset about it, but to continue with the pregnancy would be a disaster for everyone concerned, so I’m going to have a termination.

I had a termination a few years ago and it completely destroyed the relationship I was in, although to be fair it was already pretty fucked. I have only been with my current bf for 4 months but I am really keen on him, and am really hoping this won’t be the end for us.

Does anyone have any experience of a relationship surviving abortion, and if so how did you manage it?

OP posts:
User02 · 10/10/2017 00:03

I dont have the experience. I supported a friend through something of this. I wonder if you could keep the whole thing quiet. Does he already know that you are pregnant? If he does not you could go through it alone and never ever say a word about it whether the relationship goes on or breaksup. Do you have a female friend who could be with you. Of course she would have to be reliable on keeping a secret.

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 00:05

Yes he knows. It felt wrong not to tell him even though I knew he’d be on the same page as me re what to do about it.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 10/10/2017 00:09

Yes. It's not a survival issue. You ae pregnant. You don't want to be. You have decided to terminate. It is your decision regardless of the length of relationship. Your partner may of course have an opinion. That is all.

Regardless of his opinion, if he is a decent human being, and partner he will support you whether he agrees or not. Your body, your choice.

Ladybirdgal · 10/10/2017 00:17

Hi OP, sorry to hear that you’re going through this.

My fiancé and I were in a similar situation 2 years ago. We had only been seeing each other for about 4 months and due to failure with contraception, found that I was pregnant. There was the possibility of keeping the baby as he said he’d support me no matter what but at the end of the day I felt it was unfair to put him in that situation with that pressure as well as we were such a new relationship plus I was just starting my training at uni so we chose to go down the abortion route.

I think what helped us is that we were very open with communication and how we both felt throughout it all. We both acknowledged how worrried we were that it would change the dynamic and I remember him saying that he was worried I would end up resenting him after the procedure. I never did, in fact in a strange way, it only made our relationship a lot stronger. He comforted me throughout it all and was there every step of the way.

I believe that if you and your partner have a healthy way of communicating with one another and are open and honest, your relationship can survive it. It’s an awful situation for you both as you’re still a relatively new couple and are still getting to know each another but don’t bottle anything up. Hopefully he’s a decent guy.

Hope you’re okay @OhShit2017 Flowers

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 00:26

He’s definitely a decent guy. He is in a bit of a state about it too. It’s just really bad timing for both of us, and wouldn’t be fair on our existing respective dc.

I think the thing I will struggle with the most is that he has 3 dc with his ex who walked out and left him to deal with it all, 100% of the time. That’s the main reason there’s no way we can continue with this. His eldest child was unplanned but back then he was in a position to say ok let’s go for it, but now he’s barely coping as it is. It’s going to be hard not to feel bitter about that as he is such a lovely person and a great dad, and exactly the sort of person I would choose to have kids with (I realise this was unplanned so different). And now here I am, pg with his baby but having to terminate because she has fucked him over so royally (and continues to do so regularly!). I guess I feel jealous that she had the best of him on a plate and now he can’t offer me the same. Logically I know none of that is his fault but this is the kind of thing I need to work through.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 00:30

And I don’t feel that he is here every step of the way, he can’t be because we get so little time together. I really need a hug but his dm is away all week and she’s his only option for childcare. And it looks like he won’t even be around for the termination because he has a holiday with his DCs booked in half term, which is almost certainly when it will be. Again, none of that is his fault but I’m really struggling with reminding myself of that and not feeling cross.

OP posts:
Bachingupthewrongtree · 10/10/2017 04:13

You sound resentful and bitter already and, given your history, I think it is unlikely that your relationship will survive long term, whether or not you proceed with the termination. Do you want this baby and, if so, are you prepared to go it alone if necessary?

I would recommend counselling before making any decision. As you already know, it is a huge decision and one which only you can make.

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 08:59

My heart says I want it but I know it’s a really bad idea on so many levels, I have a list as long as my arm of reasons why I shouldn’t have it, and not really any reasons for keeping it other than deep down I’d like to.

I don’t want to be bitter or resentful, I’m just a mess of emotions at the moment and I’m trying to work through it all. I think I will definitely need counselling afterwards, so that I can keep a lid on the negative thoughts and feelings I have.

OP posts:
ToEarlyForDecorations · 10/10/2017 09:08

Are you committed to the abortion ?

Would you have this baby out of spite because you feel unsupported even though you accept the circumstances ?

I knew of a couple who got married as a kind of a consolation prize to make up for her having an abortion. Her boyfriend felt so guilty he felt that getting married would somehow make things ok again. Not surprisingly the marriage ended in divorce.

I felt sorry for her, she had an abortion and a failed marriage to deal with.

burninghigh · 10/10/2017 09:16

You don't have to have an abortion because your boyfriend isn't coping with his existing kids. That's crazy. The question really is can you cope. I fell pregnant with number 4 when number 3 was still a little baby (and 1 and 2 not much older). I really felt like it was the end of the world. We were in a very bad place financially and it was a disaster for me career wise.

I booked a termination but on the day we were due to terminate my husband persuaded me it wasn't the end of the world
I thought it was and that we would manage. It really was a disaster financially but we have managed and my big family is delightful although knackering. Sometimes it's the thought of another child that is impossible but the reality is different.

Good luck to you whatever you decide (and it is your decision) but try to look beyond the initial hardship. And try And be there for each other emotionally.

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 09:54

If this was a year down the line maybe things would be different but at the moment it would be a nightmare.

The list of reasons not to have it is:

  1. we have only been together 4 months.
  2. we don’t live together and there wouldn’t really be any way of that happening in the short to medium term.
  3. he is going through a stressful divorce at the moment which could potentially end up in him losing his house.
  4. we are both quite fucked financially.
  5. I already have 2 dc and because of the 2 child limit for tax credits so wouldn’t be entitled to any more money and things are very tight as they are (and that’s with me working self employed which I wouldn’t be able to do so much of with a baby).
  6. his kids are really struggling with having been abandoned by their mother and their parents separation so this would be a bombshell they really don’t need.
  7. one of my dc is disabled and not in a great place at the moment so i need to support him.
  8. I don’t have room for another child here.
  9. I’ve already done being a lone parent and it’s bloody hard and not sure I have the resources to do it again.
  10. because he’s a good guy he would probably want to be involved but there would be a massive disparity between his existing dc and the attention they got from him and this one which would be unfair.

That’s off the top of my head, I’m sure there are more.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 10/10/2017 10:01

As long as you're both on the same page, your relationship should be fine. Hugs op

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 10:12

Feel really sad. Don’t want to do this but I know I have to and him being in another country when it happens and not even being able to speak to him is going to be really horrible.

OP posts:
user1480334601 · 10/10/2017 10:30

Oh ohshit sorry you're in this situation. Please make sure you are 100% sure that you want the abortion before doing so. It's such a hard situation, I've been there so know how you're feeling.

Wishing your strength either way. You'll manage xx

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 10:36

I really don’t want an abortion but I know I’ve got to. I guess no one really wants an abortion though.

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 10/10/2017 10:36

Regardless of his opinion, if he is a decent human being, and partner he will support you whether he agrees or not. Your body, your choice.

Yes agreed.

It is also his choice to decide whether or not he can continue with the relationship.

They have been together just 4 months. He isn't yet divorced and it is very acrimonious. They are both financially 'fucked'

The chance of this relationship surviving, as hard as that is, is slim.

lanbro · 10/10/2017 10:38

I had a termination in a new relationship nearly 8 urs ago. We're now married with 2 dc so yes, a relationship can survive abortion

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/10/2017 10:38

Yes my friend and her DH had a termination early in their relationship when they had been together a couple of months and she was still training.

Her DD is 18, in her "gap yah" and off to uni next September and her DS is in year 12. They are probably the happiest and most loved up couple I know!

CaptainMarvel · 10/10/2017 10:39

Your list is full of very practical reasons not to plan to have another child. Ultimately though, you're pregnant. Practical reasons aren't enough for some women to have a termination, and that's okay too. It is mean to be a choice, never, ever a fait accompli.
I honestly don't thing it will be easy for your relationship to survive if you feel backed into a corner for this. Do you think he'd be up for exploring how you could make it work together?

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 10:46

We have talked about the prospect of having it but really neither of us can come up with a suggestion of how that might work. On the ‘for’ list we have:

  1. I don’t want an abortion.
  2. babies are cute and although hard work they do bring joy.

The cons vastly outweigh the pros. He’s really cut up about this too and finding it hard to deal with. He’s not pressuring me either way but there’s only one sensible way to proceed here. It’s still very early, 4 weeks today.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvel · 10/10/2017 10:58

I don't think the cons do outweighs the pros when one of the pros is that you don't want an abortion.
I'm staunchly pro-choice, but that does mean choice. It makes me angry that our welfare state is at a point where women feel like they don't have a choice, like there is no option.

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 11:07

I know, it’s really shit but it’s the grim reality. I’d be drastically reducing my existing dc’s quality of life by sharing the money we have with another child. It wouldn’t be fair on them. My bf has been left up shit creek work wise having been left to have his dc 100% of the time, so he really can’t help out much either.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 10/10/2017 14:02

If you go ahead it will not because his ex fucked him over royally but because you choose to have one.

Deep down you want this baby and based on that alone, I don't think your relationship will survive.

Ttbb · 10/10/2017 14:20

I heard of a lot of relationships failing after an abortion but only when they weren't great to begin with. Provide that the abortion won't hurt him then I don't think that it should have a negative effect on your relationship. Well done for being honest about it. You did the right thing.

Original poster
OhShit2017 · 10/10/2017 16:56

Yes deep down that’s what I want, and if it was only me in the equation that’s what I’d choose, but I have to consider 6 other people here and I think it would have a negative effect on all of them. So I think that outnumbers me.

Good to hear stories of relationships that do survive, I think I have to really try and get myself in the right headspace and hopefully we’ll get through this.

OP posts: