Can a relationship survive abortion?

[OhShit2017]

I’m in the horrible situation of an unplanned pg after a contraception failure. I’m so upset about it, but to continue with the pregnancy would be a disaster for everyone concerned, so I’m going to have a termination.

I had a termination a few years ago and it completely destroyed the relationship I was in, although to be fair it was already pretty fucked. I have only been with my current bf for 4 months but I am really keen on him, and am really hoping this won’t be the end for us.

Does anyone have any experience of a relationship surviving abortion, and if so how did you manage it?

I know plenty of people who had an abortion as a couple. A high amount of abortions are carried out for women in their 30's with a husband and existing family. It's actually quite common to decide as a couple to terminate.

Yes, mine did, we were on and off at the time, due to distance, there were never arguments.
Continuing with the pg was not an option for me and he supported me through it even though I think (he never saud), he'd have chosen differently.
We never actually broke up, but sort of drifted a couple of years after, but were always in touch and great friends.
We've recently started seeing each other again and there's been no one else for either of us since we met.
We met when I was 27, abortion at 29, I'm now 39, so 12 years.

Yes, many do, but TBH I would take a relationship that's only four months old and doesn't sound much fun out of the equation.

Yep. TBH it was no big deal to me. Didn't find it traumatic, don't feel bad about it. I know it's not the done thing to admit that, but that's how I felt/still feel.

I think it only ends a relationship of both parties want different things. One wants to keep it, one doesn't. Then resentment can grow after the event.

If your both on the same page you should be okay.

Ignore the green face! Stupid phone.

My experience was yes. Pregnant at completely the wrong moment for both of us. That was many years ago now. We have a DD now and despite all the usual ups and downs are in the main fine.
I don't know what factors come into play and I think it is dependant on the personalities but obviously, mutual agreement is essential.
All the best. Very hard time for you.

Good to hear some more positive stories and it’s helping to clarify things in my mind. I need to get any thoughts of squishy newborns right out of my head and stay focussed on the practical. And stop blaming myself/him/his ex, it’s just a shitty thing that’s happened and it needs to be dealt with.

If you’d have asked me a week ago if I wanted any more kids I would have laughed and said no way, but now it’s happened I’m surprised at how I feel about it. Maybe it’s becuase of my age and becuase in reality there is unlikely to be any more chances.

You've got some hard choices coming. However, you didn't answer my question.

Are you committed to the abortion ?

You're bringing too much history to this.
Why should your relationship fail because of it?
You have a long list of excellent reasons not to proceed coming from both sides - so there is no need for a destructive blame game. No one person is forcing it on the other.

I think the only reason on either of those lists that actually matters is you don't want to do it. For whatever reasons, that is what you want. Do not underestimate the impact that will have on your mental health. Terminating a baby which you want is going to have a pretty severe detrimental impact on anyone's relationship.

I think it will be very hard for your relationship to survive. It's incredibly difficult to step into a relationship with a man who is sole carer for 3 children. You'd be taking on far more of a mother role to children than a regular stepmother figure would. Being a step parent is so so so so hard and frustrating and difficult at times. If you already resent those children because their very existence meant that your own baby (you felt) didn't get a chance to live, it's just not going to work.

Plus - you don't want an abortion. Regret lasts a lifetime.

I think your hormones are getting the better of you. You know, with or without BF, that another child is not doable, its not all squishy babies, its sleepless nights, homework, adolescents & uni fees... or even SN child...
I don't think you can blame him or his children. Just you, on your own, do not need & will be in financial difficulty if you have another.

Does he believe that it was a genuine accident or could he possibly have some doubts that maybe you fell pregnant because you didn't use contraception as he was led to believe? This could have an impact on the future of your relationship if indeed he had doubts.

* I think it only ends a relationship of both parties want different things. One wants to keep it, one doesn't. Then resentment can grow after the event.*

This is true, I think, but it’s not going in your favour. You don’t want the same thing.

To answer the question am I committed to the abortion, yes I am, I know there’s no other option. I’ve been having some crazy thoughts over the last few days trying to think of ways that it could possibly work out if I kept it, but the reality is that it just wouldn’t, it would be a massive shitstorm. So whilst I know I will feel emotional when the time comes, I’ve just got to buckle up and get on with it.

Today has been a bit better, emotionally, I’ve managed not to cry too much. Saw my bf earlier for a few hours for the first time with no dc around since I found out. I was worried how that might go, and thought him being there might set me off but I felt quite calm. We didn’t talk for ages, just lay down and cuddled for a long time. When we did talk we both agreed that there was no good outcome from either choice. But I’ve been thinking more today about what it would mean for me to start all over again. This year has been the first year in 8 years since dc2 was born that I’ve felt like I’ve had some freedom, and going back to square one would be really hard. I think that has to be my coping mechanism here, focus on the opportunities I will have without a baby around. That probably sounds heartless but it’s helping me get through this so I’m going to stick with it. I’ve applied for a job today which sounds right up my street and already had an email back about it so I think I need to just carry on doing things like that to move forward rather than carry on falling deeper into the black hole I was in earlier this week.

OhShit - you sound very sensible and mature. You can't be all that old though? I had to make the same decision twice, and never regretted it. Once when I was 19 and too immature to deal with an unplanned pg, and once at 33, 6 weeks after giving birth. You have thoroughly thought through the consequences with your BF. The relationship may be new, and problematic - but if you are both kind to each other and the children, it may just work

Thanks, I guess I’ve learnt the hard way through already having 2 dc in less than ideal circumstances, and knowing that I really don’t want to do that again.

I think the stress of having a baby this soon with everything else my bf has going on would almost certainly break us, so from that aspect our relationship stands a better chance, as long as we keep focussed on the reasons why we made this decision. And without any shadow of a doubt it’s the best thing for all the other dc. And as I said in my last post, also for me. It’s really sad and having been through an abortion before I know it will be unpleasant and upsetting but I am fairly certain it will also bring a sense of relief.

Reading through your posts I think having a termination would be the best thing. It's a really tough choice but you need to put your kids first. It's a really personal choice and not without consequences.