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Original poster

wtf? Is this manipulative/controlling

42 replies

Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 07/10/2017 22:14

We have an an evening off, child free, we don’t get much time together or to our selves.
I went to a friends for a takeaways and told DH I could meet him later if he wanted me to but was happy for him to have a boys night out equally. I get this ....
I’m in blue .... I rush home as don’t want to upset him and he’s in bed asleep!

wtf? Is this manipulative/controlling
OP posts:
putdownyourphone · 07/10/2017 22:16

No, sounds like he's in a bit of a strop from what you've said. But if there's more backstory then maybe.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2017 22:18

Why did you rush home?

Did you really just up and run? Leaving your friend alone with the pizza because your DH sent a mildly snarky message?

Why? Just why?

JohnHunter · 07/10/2017 22:19

"WTF?" indeed. How is this short exchange in any way manipulative or controlling?

SleightOfMind · 07/10/2017 22:19

Why did you rush home? I'd have gone over what we discussed to check no misunderstandings, apologised I'd left him hanging and carried on with my night.

I'm worried about why you felt the need to 'rush home' and appease him.

userxx · 07/10/2017 22:19

Sounds like he's pissed off you didn't want to do something with him. Doesn't sound controlling or manipulative from that text.

SleightOfMind · 07/10/2017 22:19

Apologised if I'd left him hanging.

AuntLydia · 07/10/2017 22:22

I'd assume he didn't get your message to be honest. Not sure it's controlling as you had vague plans to meet up?!

BlondeB83 · 07/10/2017 22:22

No it's not manipulative or controlling.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/10/2017 22:23

You said you'd got your pizza, and he seems to have adopted a snarky tone with you. Did he expect you to just leave it? By rushing back you have shown that he only has to snark at you for you to come running though, if you did rush your pizza. I would be annoyed if I was you. Does he have previous for this sort of thing?

category12 · 07/10/2017 22:23

He's a bit passive-aggressive - if you'd already said you were getting takeaway with mates and were available to meet up after, I've no idea what his problem is.

is this the norm in your relationship?

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 07/10/2017 22:25

Thanks, I don’t believe he didn’t receive my messages, I made an excuse to my friend about being tired. It wasn’t just us 2 friends so no big deal there.
He often makes me feel guilty about socialising without him hence why I almost never do.

OP posts:
backintown · 07/10/2017 22:25

I'd say tone is really hard to get in a text - your message "pizza just arrived, what you thinking?" could have been interpreted as "pizza just arrived - but I'm still up for doing something later, any thoughts for what you'd be up for?" OR "pizza just arrived, what on earth are you thinking texting me I'm busy eating pizza, leave me alone".

Depends on the reader, he might just have interpreted it as the latter? Or could just be being a bit of an arse or in a bad mood - either way doesn't sound either manipulative or controlling really, unless there is a big back story to this?

backintown · 07/10/2017 22:28

X-post there OP - if he has history then fair enough - you're probably right to interpret it as snarky. It sounds like you need to address his issue with you going out rather than this text though (which stand alone isn't really a big deal)

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 07/10/2017 22:30

I don’t know what to do, one day I feel in love and stupid for doubting things. The next day it’s so clear in my mind that he is wanting to be the boss of me and dc, even when there is no need for this, he just likes to be the big I am whether it be “arn’t I great helping with homework” or fonas I say not as I do. Sorry probably not making much sense, I just feel desperate

OP posts:
Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 07/10/2017 22:31

Oh, he would have known not the latter

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/10/2017 22:33

For a start, check your own attitude. You are treating him like the big I am yourself. No way you should have rushed home.

Go out more without him. Unless he is the boss of you of course.

category12 · 07/10/2017 22:34

Nice and nasty cycle?

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 07/10/2017 22:37

I don’t know, possibly, I just feel so confused. There is a msssive history I just don’t know where to start and don’t want to paint him in an all together bad light

OP posts:
category12 · 07/10/2017 22:43

How about a few of the things that stick out? Good and bad.

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 07/10/2017 22:47

Ok, good ..
he works hard
He helps around the house too
Sometimes he is good with dc

Bad...
he gets pissed off quickly
He has a short temper with dc and always defaults to harsh punishment
He criticises me for little things
He begrudges the money I spend on dc or me (no extravagant)

OP posts:
coldcuptea · 07/10/2017 23:06

You rushed because you knew he would punish you for not being there .
I've been there Flowers

DianaT1969 · 08/10/2017 06:11

There's another thread at the moment. A woman posted that she and her H had a rare, child-free evening together. However, he preferred to go to a party at a mate's house - one she wouldn't go to. Even though they were trying to re-build their relationship following an affair/trust issues from 2 years ago.
She was devastated that he buggered off for the eve and is considering leaving him.

YokoReturns · 08/10/2017 07:21

From your list it’s clear he’s abusive.

Horrible to your DCs? Does he treat his colleagues/friends like that? Thought not.

His text is awful- passive aggressive, jealous and controlling. And designed to send you running back to him.

He’s a pig, OP. Protect your children from this horrible man.

Cricrichan · 08/10/2017 07:41

That he's a bit hurt and annoyed that you didn't choose to spend a rare night off with him, I can understand. However, he normally begrudges anything that you do for you and the kids that doesn't involve him, so this isn't about this night, this is about him throwing his toys out of the pram if he's not the centre of attention.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2017 08:01

He sounds very difficult to live with