wtf? Is this manipulative/controlling

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

We have an an evening off, child free, we don’t get much time together or to our selves.
I went to a friends for a takeaways and told DH I could meet him later if he wanted me to but was happy for him to have a boys night out equally. I get this ....
I’m in blue .... I rush home as don’t want to upset him and he’s in bed asleep!

[HipsterAssassin]

Oh god I absolutely agree with pigeon I used to be like this with exH.

Because he was always miserable as hell and under my feet and playing the victim and losing his temper.

I had lost myself and my boundaries were non existent. It contributed to the problems in our relationship rather than solve them. A blazing row would have been better - at least you could each see where you stand.

Only you know the patterns of behaviour and communication in your relationship. It's the pattern that counts.

If you have lost yourself in this relationship it might be good to get counselling and explore why.

Meant very kindly

[pigeondujour]

See, having had a controlling boyfriend before, just reading those texts made me feel nervous.

would he mind if I went, if he preferred I could get friends to come to our place instead and he could go catch up with his friends, in the meantime my parents offered to have dc overnight so I said if he wanted to still go out with friends that’s fine I could meet him later or if he wanted to keep it as a boys night I don’t mind

This rings true too - I don't mean to insult you here at all, but the tone of this is really deferential; would you mind, I don't mind, you going out is fine, but I'll come back early to fit you into my plans. I used to do exactly that too and honestly you might not even realise exactly how exhausting that is until you stop having to do it.

[NotTheDuchessOfCambridge]

Ah right, I see. I thought the parents had the children so you went to your friends saying you could do something later, and he was waiting for you.
Unless he does this sort of thing all the time I’d chalk it up to crossed wires and a manchild sulking session.

[ParanoidBeryl]

I actually feel exhausted and confused even reading your accounts of broadband / pizza etc and I'm not even in the situation.

He could be abusive and controlling. I'll probably get flamed for saying it, but he could also be under-slept and stressed if you are at that young children stage. Only you can know what your relationship is like day to day.

One thing I would say is that it is never a good idea to suggest doing something with someone else later in the evening, whether that is with other friends or with your DH - it just means that no-one gets your full attention. Your friends won't be remotely fooled by the 'not feeling well' excuse, and it would have been better to say to your DH that no, you had plans, and you would be back late.

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

Just to clarify my friend invited me round for pizza, I said to DH that I had been invited and would he mind if I went, if he preferred I could get friends to come to our place instead and he could go catch up with his friends, in the meantime my parents offered to have dc overnight so I said if he wanted to still go out with friends that’s fine I could meet him later or if he wanted to keep it as a boys night I don’t mind. He wasn’t at home waiting for me all night, he went out for drinks and his friend wasn’t drinking so went home to his family hence why DH was home earlier than planned.

[NotTheDuchessOfCambridge]

I don’t know, if it was the other way around and the DH chose to spend a child free night with the boys while the DW waited at home in case he wanted to see her later, he’d be getting flamed. You told your DH you could do something together later, your pizza didn’t get there until around 8.50, how much later did you want to do something?
He sounds sulky, not controlling at all. I don’t blame him, if he sulking too if you said we’d could do something and then left it too late.

[NorthandSouth98374]

Do you think he could slowly realise what he is doing and change it?

He already knows what he is doing and continues to do it because that's what he wants.

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

Because I’m not perfect, because we have children together, because we have plans for the future.....

[YokoReturns]

He’s abusive. You can’t move forward, everything you do independently of him will be wrong.

Why have you resolved to ‘try harder’?

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

Do you think he could slowly realise what he is doing and change it?
I instigated a talk with him on Sunday which turned into an argument, he completely denies wanting to be in control, he says he feels like I don’t care about him, I never ask his opinion before doing things and he feels like I would prefer it if he was dead. He bases his view that I don’t involve him in decisions on me taking out a new broadband contract without asking his opinion on which one, we had agreed we needed broadband and I found a really good deal so just went for it, I thought he would be pleased but he said this just shows I don’t give a crap about what he thinks. There is obviously more to it than this one incident but what I base it on is how I would feel if he organised the stuff I have, I would feel grateful!
Anyway we both agreed to try harder, I just don’t seem to be able to gloss over everything though and every time I feel annoyed by something he does he is really noticeably turning it around and blaming me.
I don’t know how to move forward with this.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

What Hermonie said.

The only way to deal with your confusion is to stop expecting him to make sense. This is very hard when he makes sure you're thinking about him whenever he feels you should be. You're also not used to prioritising yourself because he doesn't like that. You haven't said that in as many words, but it's clear from what you have said anyway.

At some level, probably unconscious, he likes you to be confused. It gives him more power. So what he says it's often with the aim of - what's the expression? Catching you on the back foot? Unsettling you, in any case.

So stop expecting him to make sense. You don't need to change your behaviour, anything you do, just try taking everything he says with a pinch of salt. And then try finding room for your own thoughts and opinions, and valuing them. He might not, but you can.

It's hard for people who haven't experienced it to know what's going on. But it is very hard to live with this. I left four years ago and I am a changed woman. Just in every way: more confident, calmer, happier.

[NorthandSouth98374]

Even before I saw your updates I thought it sounded controlling and manipulative. He knew you were enjoying yourself so text you then ignored your replies so you worried about that rather than having a good time, then when he finally did reply did so in a manner sure to get you to leave your night out and wonder if it's worth going on the next one. Bit surprised that anyone thinks that's a reasonable exchange (from him).

[Hermonie2016]

He did lie about the text messages and then when you confronted him he blamed you about something else.

It's classic abusive behaviour...twists everything to be your fault.The reality is he can't handle his emotions and rather than be direct he uses and lighting, sulks, passive aggressive behaviour.Other times it's directly aggressive behaviour.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, your pain shines through the posts.You feel "desperate".Worth hanging on to that feeling.
It's real because you are not in a healthy relationship.
This is what a toxic relationship feels like, lows, bewilderment, hurt, confusion..periods of time when it feels ok, then wham, back to confusion.

[Ohyesiam]

I think it sound controlling
He quickly got angry, acting like you had not responded.

You rushed home, which sound like you are in the habit of appeasing him, was that to try and dampen his anger?

[flumpybear]

You had a night without the kids so spent it with friends instead of each other??
My husband and are having a weekend without kids and we’ve been together all weekend fir date nights and cinema etc - rare treat - could ha just be wanting this sort of thing but is shit at asking ?

[HipsterAssassin]

He sounds like a massive sulky controlling Manbaby.

You sound confused. It's what happens when your pasrtner has been undermining and sulking and trying to control you for ages.

'sometimes' good with the kids. Do they not deserve better than that?

Are they his?

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

I have just spoken to him, I slept in DC bed last night to avoid confrontation.
He says he didn’t see my messages until 10pm when he went to bed, I said he obviously saw them before sending me the last message though, he just got pissed off and changed the subject to be about me looking on my phone this morning whilst drinking my cup of tea as he was watching something on tv I had already seen.

I told him I think we are not happy at the moment, he said it’s because I do what I want when I want and don’t give a shit about him.

[Shoxfordian]

He sounds very difficult to live with

[Cricrichan]

That he's a bit hurt and annoyed that you didn't choose to spend a rare night off with him, I can understand. However, he normally begrudges anything that you do for you and the kids that doesn't involve him, so this isn't about this night, this is about him throwing his toys out of the pram if he's not the centre of attention.

[YokoReturns]

From your list it’s clear he’s abusive.

Horrible to your DCs? Does he treat his colleagues/friends like that? Thought not.

His text is awful- passive aggressive, jealous and controlling. And designed to send you running back to him.

He’s a pig, OP. Protect your children from this horrible man.

[DianaT1969]

There's another thread at the moment. A woman posted that she and her H had a rare, child-free evening together. However, he preferred to go to a party at a mate's house - one she wouldn't go to. Even though they were trying to re-build their relationship following an affair/trust issues from 2 years ago.
She was devastated that he buggered off for the eve and is considering leaving him.

[coldcuptea]

You rushed because you knew he would punish you for not being there .
I've been there

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

Ok, good ..
he works hard
He helps around the house too
Sometimes he is good with dc

Bad...
he gets pissed off quickly
He has a short temper with dc and always defaults to harsh punishment
He criticises me for little things
He begrudges the money I spend on dc or me (no extravagant)

[category12]

How about a few of the things that stick out? Good and bad.

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

I don’t know, possibly, I just feel so confused. There is a msssive history I just don’t know where to start and don’t want to paint him in an all together bad light