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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel physically sick

33 replies

Newaroundhre · 07/10/2017 00:17

So I have just found out that my DP has met up with some girl behind my back! I'm devastated we have a 20mo DD, have just moved house to an area where I know no one but he does and I'm supposed to start a new job! My family and friends are all miles away! I don't know what to do!
Currently laying in bed silently crying!

OP posts:
MotherOfBeagles · 07/10/2017 00:30

I'm so sorry to hear this! Can you call family or friends to come and see you tomorrow?

Original poster
Newaroundhre · 07/10/2017 00:33

He currently doesn't know that I know, and is asleep next to me right now. Didn't want to start something in the middle of the night with DD sleeping in the next room.

OP posts:
babynugget · 07/10/2017 00:50

I have no useful advice for you but glad you’ve been able to come on here for support - it’s so much worse in the middle of the night when your thoughts run wild and you have nobody to talk to but MN is 24/7 and there’s usually always someone here to listen. Do you have any doubts about what has happened or is the evidence you have fairly substantial?

GlitterSparkles17 · 07/10/2017 00:52

Are you going to confront him? So sorry this has happened to you.

Original poster
Newaroundhre · 07/10/2017 00:59

Nope I have messages between him and the girl and I was at work when it happened and supposedly so was he. He was supposed to meet her tonight, and told me that he was going to a mates house as they've been having a tough time, I asked him not to go as I've been feeling rather lousy with my MH.

I don't know if I could confront him as if we was to split I would be homeless with a toddler, in a place where I know no one and miles away from family. I could never support me and my DD alone. I've been struggling with my MH and think this might break me.

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 07/10/2017 01:05

if you've moved to an area where he knows a few people could the meet up have been totally platonic old school friends or neighbors meeting up? maybe he is being sensitive to your mh challenges and didn't want to upset you (that he was going out for a change of atmosphere) although lying or being deceptive about this is not cool.

Original poster
Newaroundhre · 07/10/2017 01:07

No he slept with her, told her he loved her, and for her to not tell me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newaroundhre · 07/10/2017 01:08

He tried to cover meeting her by saying he was going to a friends house.

OP posts:
Out2pasture · 07/10/2017 01:11

could you move back to family and start fresh?

Original poster
Newaroundhre · 07/10/2017 01:13

I'll have no job, money, house etc.. My family home is full, I have younger siblings who live at home.

OP posts:
babynugget · 07/10/2017 01:14

I could cry for you right now but this will not break you - don’t let it. You have already made good decisions about not confronting him in the middle of the night. God knows how much you feel like ripping into him right now. I don’t know your MH history but your decision to bide your time shows that you are immediately putting your DD first and that means you are fighting already. You are fighting for her and that means you will fight for yourself too. Whatever has happened he has massively betrayed your trust and your daughter. I doubt you are going to get much sleep but try to make this time productive. Think about your next steps - difficult I know as your thoughts will be all over the place. Forget about the OW (I don’t know if you know who she is)- but she is irrelevant. Think about you and your innocent DD. That will keep you going. Flowers. We are here - keep talking whenever you need.

theftbyfinding · 07/10/2017 01:19

Am so sorry. It depresses me when i read this because so often women have no family near by, no friends, no rights as a married woman, just a child by a manchild who has no intention of caring for his family. I don't know the answer but I do think you would feel better getting in tough with your loved ones after confronting him.

Original poster
Newaroundhre · 07/10/2017 01:19

Thank you babynugget, means a lot. I just don't know if I can confront him, I have no one IRL to talk to about it. The thought of having to put a face on in the morning is killing me! I've debated packing me and DD a bag and going to my mums, but that will raise too many questions. I just feel trapped. He's hurt me but I still love him and I feel stupid, and like I'm to blame for this.

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 07/10/2017 01:19

If you can then keep your cards close to your chest at the moment. Take screenshots of messages if you can. I wouldn't worry about finances too much as you'd be entitled to benefits. Flowers

SemiNormal · 07/10/2017 01:21

He's hurt me but I still love him and I feel stupid, and like I'm to blame for this. - You are NOT to blame.

babynugget · 07/10/2017 01:33

Don’t feel that you need to confront him. There are no right or wrong ways to handle this and every single situation is different. You may get to a point where your feelings dictate and you explode or you may choose to ignore it - or anywhere in between. You need to take whichever path works for you - without destroying you. Be kind to yourself - don’t let this discovery put pressure on you. Take time to digest the information and weigh up your options. Keep talking, anywhere you can. Real life is painful as the people close to you will want to protect you and will possibly be more reactive than you are ready for. MN is great but brace yourself for opinions you may not agree with or that make you feel worse. Samaritans may be an option - just to offload. Although I totally understand how therapeutic online forums are for offloading it can be frustrating if you don’t get immediate feedback at a time like this. Just remember that this is a small moment in your life. It may ultimately change things but it will never define you.

BastardGoDarkly · 07/10/2017 01:33

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

You can't possibly NOT face this though, this can't be your life from here on.

Go to your mums tomorrow, everything will be ok, it will be tough, but you'll get housed eventually, you'll build a life for your and your daughter, and you'll be happy.

Staying and keeping silent while he fucks around? No, just no.

We're here for you Flowers

JemimaLovesHamble · 07/10/2017 01:37

Go home. If you are struggling with your MH now, this will only make it worse. Tell your Mum the truth, tell her you don't know what to do yet but you need some breathing space. Go from there. If your parents' home is overcrowded you can try and get on the council housing list.

JemimaLovesHamble · 07/10/2017 01:39

Even if there isn't over-crowding, still go to your local council and tell them you have a baby and need to get on the housing list. It doesn't mean you can't go back but it gives you another option.

Original poster
Newaroundhre · 07/10/2017 01:40

Thanks everyone, I'm going to try and get some sleep, have to be there for my DD tomorrow.

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 07/10/2017 01:40

Sweetheart .... you will come through this xx

geoff409 · 07/10/2017 01:46

Good grief some Men just don't know how lucky they are. I don't know you or your relationship history but you need to contact your Mum and/or Dad and explain what's happened and get away from him. He doesn't deserve you, your baby doesn't deserve to be brought up in an environment where their Mum is unhappy, and mostly you don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. Please contact someone you can trust and can help you.

GrabbyMcGrabby · 07/10/2017 01:49

Flowers No need to confront him. You will be ok in the end. Well done for not blowing up at him tonight. Gather evidence and get out. Start fresh. Flowers

Lillygolightly · 07/10/2017 02:10

No no no....don't you blame yourself for his wandering penis!!!

You've just had a huge shock and it's ok to not know what to do right away. The only thing you need to make sure of is that whatever you do from here on out is what's best for you and your little one. Take your time let it sink in and figure out how you want to handle things....to be forewarned is to be for armed as the saying goes. You have the upper hand.

If you think you want to try and work it out and give him a chance, there is no shame in giving a relationship another chance. Just make sure he earns it!!! He must understand what is at stake and what he stands to lose, don't be a push over, make him work for your future trust and forgiveness.

All that being said don't feel like you can't walk away. Don't feel like your trapped by circumstance, there are options, there is support, even if you can't imagine it, even if you can't see the way through or how you can manage, you can, you do, you will. Yes it will suck and yes it hurts but you find a way to survive and after a while you'll get better. You will be ok!

Flowers I've been where you are and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm sorry your going through this.

cherrycola2004 · 07/10/2017 06:14

I’m so, so sorry Flowers
Hope you’ve managed to get some sleep. Def call Home today and get back there.

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