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Original poster

H announced he is leaving.... can I force a 50/50 share of the DC?

39 replies

cornerstoned · 25/09/2017 20:52

that's it in short. H decided he had enough. we are both working though me only p/t. both DC have SN and I can only stay in work because we make it work together. As a LP I could not work (combination of appointments, school refusals and have a DC with low functioning ASD who rarely sleeps).

His solution is that I just stop working and claim benefits (would get a combination of carers allowance, IS, housing & TC). I love my job and it really is the only 'break' in the neurotypical world I get. When he moves out, I want him to take a 50% share of the DC. to survive financially, I would need to increase my hours in any case. He earns peanuts and child support from him wouldn't be a lot. He says he will have them only over the weekend twice a months. after all he has to work.can he just wash his hands off his DC in that way?

it's still early days and he told me only over the weekend. I will get legal advice but it won't be the next few weeks. I am still shocked and bewildered and lost really. not sure if my thinking even makes sense....just put my pragmatic hat on for now.

any advice or food for thought appreciated.

OP posts:
DaenerysismyQueen · 25/09/2017 20:58

Yes in short. You can force someone to pay child maintenance but you can't force them to have contact.
You should get a carers assessment done by the local authority. You shouldn't face this alone. If work is identified as something you want they should help you to achieve that.

DaenerysismyQueen · 25/09/2017 20:59

Also here is a massive Flowers

Original poster
cornerstoned · 25/09/2017 21:01

we are struggling massively with work and the DC as it is. no family support whatsoever. I have already asked for a carers assessment and was refused - not respite or help but the actual assessment - the reason I got was that if I work, I cannot possibly struggle. I know I would fight a losing battle with social services. all they suggested is to give up work so I have 'me time' when the DC are at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
cornerstoned · 25/09/2017 21:02

I need him to have the DC at least half a week. Sad

OP posts:
CrochetBelle · 25/09/2017 21:05

Unfortunately not.
If a non-resident parent wants to up their contact, they have all sorts of legal recourse. But you can't force someone to want to spend more time with their kids Sad

DaenerysismyQueen · 25/09/2017 21:09

No they must do the assessment! Particularly now you are doing this alone it's a change of circumstance. If they're messing you about Google community care lawyer in your area and get some advice. Legal aid is still available for this kind of thing if you meet the financial criteria. If not your local CAB might be able to help.

Original poster
cornerstoned · 25/09/2017 21:09

I am really wondering now if I should pack up and leave him with the DC to force his hand. I am really quite desperate. he hasn't moved yet but is looking at houses.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 25/09/2017 21:09

God. That is a shitty situation! So how about he becomes your resident parent and you have contact for half of the week?

They are just as much his children as they are yours. I'm sorry you're going through this SadFlowers

BrutusMcDogface · 25/09/2017 21:10

Not your resident parent! THE resident parent. And I see we cross posted!

DaenerysismyQueen · 25/09/2017 21:11

This really angers me as you've both probably been driven to breaking point as you're not getting a rest. Please do see a community care specialist, things can improve

DaenerysismyQueen · 25/09/2017 21:12

I mean I'm angry on your behalf!

Original poster
cornerstoned · 25/09/2017 21:14

are there huge downsides for not being the resident parent? gosh, I never thought I would ask such question. ever.

OP posts:
Piratesandpants · 25/09/2017 21:17

I was just about to suggest that you leave without the children before he does. Can you go full time? Force him to take full responsibility - then begin negotiating.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/09/2017 21:20

Ok, thinking laterally- just that, leaving aside the whole huge emotional side of it- then yes it looks as if that would be the only way to get 50/50.

If he leaves, he will more or less walk away. He had told you he will not shoulder equal responsibility. I mean that's why he wants to leave, presumably.

However if you leave then yes you very much would do 50/50. As well as, presumably, being able to work more so that you could all have more cash available. That makes more sense than him - who earns peanuts- doing it (that's even before you get to the bit where he starts enjoying new found freedom and you find yourself being told he can't afford much and hey, you're raking it in on benefits...)

So yes the only way which this works out as a positive is if you move out and he becomes resident parent. If you can bear to do that, it might actually work out fairly well. He won't like it one bit mind you.

Original poster
cornerstoned · 25/09/2017 21:24

thanks. food for thought. no idea if I could bear it but it is an option to consider. will try to arrange seeing a solicitor sooner rather than later .

H only just started looking and is crap at arranging stuff (that is usually my role), so this might buy me some more time.

OP posts:
gunsandbanjos · 25/09/2017 21:25

I’m not sure I can offer any actual advice but my word what a cunt!

I’m so sorry you’re being left in the lurch like this, do you have any support from family or friends? Any community support?

FizzyGreenWater · 25/09/2017 21:26

Well yes the best situation is if you all stay together and things are genuinely shouldered 50/50, but that's not the option here. Options seem to be he fucks off and leaves you utterly in the shit- forcing you to leave your job and live on benefits with dc full time-and believe me he will do fuck all- OR, you leave, go full time which means earnings overall increase and make him pull his weight. It's undoubtedly the better option and may bring him closer to dc and out of his own arsehole.

Downsides to not being RP are mainly around losing that final say- more to do with the person with the children being able to cut you out, move a partner in, etc. But that's unlikely to happen here. He'll want you around as much as possible! And you'll pay him maintenance but you'll be happy with that of course.

I don't know! Do you think he'd say you'd abandoned the children, go nuts and drop them off with SS?

heymammy · 25/09/2017 21:40

One thing to consider though in leaving without the kids is that after your first contact visit is your H likely to just not bother collecting them or being out when you are supposed to drop them off.

You unfortunately cannot force him to step up and take half of the responsibility, he can just fuck off whenever he wants and leave them with you, secure in the knowledge that you wouldn't abandon them on his doorstep Sad

GetOffTheTableMabel · 25/09/2017 21:41

If you cannot get the care assessment, do please go and see your MP at their next surgery. You deserve some support and someone should strong-arm the council for you. You are asking to work ffs. It shouldn't be too much to ask. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

GiantSteps · 25/09/2017 21:44

So so angry on your behalf OP.

They're his children too, but he seems to think he can palm off parenting responsibilities to you and the rest of us (who pay the taxes to pay the benefits he so blithely recommends to you).

I think you should leave. As you say, force his hand. He's banking on you not being able to leave your children - well, I suppose the silver lining is that he doesn't assume you are as shit a person and parent as he is.

Flowers Flowers

Hope you find some way through this.

StereophonicallyChallenged · 25/09/2017 21:45

Just as an aside, I think neither party pays maintenance in a 50/50 arrangement.

Honestly Op, if you think he's a safe, caring and responsible parent I'd leave before he gets the chance. Even if it's only very temporary.

I had an acquaintance in a similar situation (dc with additional needs) and I expect she wishes she could turn back the clock and do.this. As it is her husband literally fucked off without a backwards glance and her dc have one very frazzled parent with absolutely no support
support.
You h would have your support

expatinscotland · 25/09/2017 21:50

'I am really wondering now if I should pack up and leave him with the DC to force his hand. I am really quite desperate. he hasn't moved yet but is looking at houses.'

I would. I'd go stay with a friend, get another PT job or go FT hours. FUCK him telling you to go on benefits, and if you're in a UC area, you won't have enough to live on.

I'd start packing up right now.

Bobbins43 · 25/09/2017 22:13

I thought Carer’s Assessments were a legal obligation now? They couldn’t refuse you one? Do you have a local carers organisation? They can sometimes provide support. Also, what an ARSE

Happinesssssss · 25/09/2017 22:17

I was in the same situation and had to give up work. Ex did as little parenting as possible and now doesn't see the dc at all and I am a full time carer and will never work again.

expatinscotland · 25/09/2017 22:21

'I thought Carer’s Assessments were a legal obligation now? They couldn’t refuse you one? Do you have a local carers organisation? They can sometimes provide support.'

You're fooling yourself if you think this is a legal obligation or they can provide support. Their funding has been cut to the bone.

I'd leave, OP, I really would.