H announced he is leaving.... can I force a 50/50 share of the DC?

[cornerstoned]

that's it in short. H decided he had enough. we are both working though me only p/t. both DC have SN and I can only stay in work because we make it work together. As a LP I could not work (combination of appointments, school refusals and have a DC with low functioning ASD who rarely sleeps).

His solution is that I just stop working and claim benefits (would get a combination of carers allowance, IS, housing & TC). I love my job and it really is the only 'break' in the neurotypical world I get. When he moves out, I want him to take a 50% share of the DC. to survive financially, I would need to increase my hours in any case. He earns peanuts and child support from him wouldn't be a lot. He says he will have them only over the weekend twice a months. after all he has to work.can he just wash his hands off his DC in that way?

it's still early days and he told me only over the weekend. I will get legal advice but it won't be the next few weeks. I am still shocked and bewildered and lost really. not sure if my thinking even makes sense....just put my pragmatic hat on for now.

any advice or food for thought appreciated.

How dare he tell you to give up work!!! I am fuming on your behalf!

Leaving now and using that as a starting point for negotiation sounds like a sensible option to me.

OP I can see why you feel like taking off.

Have you thought about suggesting he have 100% custody? I'm afraid I'd be needing to know what his response would be, would he have them go into care etc.

Then tell him you agree and see if he'll take 50/50! But you'd need to really gird yourself for all possible responses.

When Universal Credit is rolled out, anyone who is disabled or carer to a disabled person is screwed. This will be you. Might already be if you're in an area that's already using UC. It will be nigh on impossible to get another house if you're streeted by your LL and in a council without a lot of stock. He will be effectively condemning you to a live of extreme poverty and stress whilst he takes off scot free. Fuck that. They're his kids, too.

I would certainly up and leave because you know you will carry on and do shared care whereas he's told you he has no intention if he moves out!!!

You may as well earn more, pay better maintenance and at least will have the decency to help out.

Op I can only assume those advising you to “leave now” don’t know much about how things can be twisted and distorted in the family courts.

Do get some legal advice if you can; and start finding out what respite help might be available if their dad refuses to step up. But don’t leave them with a reluctant dad.

Agree with never there. Get legal advice before you do anything.

Sorry, I thought everyone was entitled to a Carer’s Assessment. My mistake.

I also had to leave work; partly because my husband wasn’t able to look after the children properly. He moved out soon after so I am in a similar position. You have my sympathies x

I would imagine your son would find your not being there difficult as well.

Why is everyone screwed with Universal Credit? I get that there’ll be less money but...

Absolutely get legal advice but I agree with those who advise you to leave before he does as otherwise you'll be left completely in the lurch. for you as he's an absolute git. There should be laws preventing this kind of thing from happening - useless men walking away & expecting the State to pick up the bill.

Her son might find it difficult. Will also find it difficult if Dad leaves (which apparently Dad is fine with)

I think we can trust the OP not to leave him with the kids if the kids would come to major harm as a consequence.

Even when you're a mother it is OK, and best for the kids long term, to put yourself first sometimes.

XH left me when the DC were 3 and 1. DS1 was a major handful suspected autism. He just said I've decided family life isn't for me.

At first it was horendous working out the finances and who I was/ loosing who I was. It did get better.

That was 11 years ago now. Little DS1 is now approaching 6ft and in a special Autism unit at secondary. He's flourishing. About two years ago we started night time meds and he now (mostly) sleeps too.

My life is going okay too, I remarried, have a third child and have a business I'm really enjoying but also able to do the appointments for DS1 and my third child DD - also going through the assessment process.

It is a shitty thing to happen. No two ways about it. But it needn't mean life ends. It may pause for a while whilst you find your feet but you can.

Carers assessments appear to vary area to area. I know two people who are getting extra support recently, don't take no for an answer send a monthly request for reassessment until you're taken seriously.

If you tell social services that you can't cope anymore and will have to put the children in care, they will soon find some support for you.

Just saying.

Obviously it's best to try and reach an agreement with your total shit of a STBX their father first.