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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to cope with being ghosted

38 replies

Hueandcry · 25/09/2017 12:42

3 weeks ago I was ghosted by a guy I've been seeing for 10 months. Just disappeared. We were messaging as normal, making plans one day & the next he was gone. I'm struggling to get over it. Not that I want him back but I just feel so confused & disrespected. Advice welcome

OP posts:

Crowdo · 25/09/2017 13:05

It's very cruel of him to do this. I'd just be very kind to yourself for a while. It's horrible being rejected

Huskylover1 · 25/09/2017 13:22

10 Months!

How can you be sure that he hasn't had an accident?

Original poster

Hueandcry · 25/09/2017 14:20

He hasn't had an accident im sure of that

OP posts:

Tameagobairanois · 25/09/2017 14:27

10 months... bloody hell. Well, at the risk of repeating what you already know, it's nothing to do with you, he lacked the emotional intelligence to realise that one awkward conversation 'frees him up' to move on from this.

He will if he has any conscience at all feel this 'wrinkle' of awkwardness whenever anything reminds him of you. And 10 months is a whole year. He's bound to go places he went with you again. And every single time, he'll be reminded of the time he wasn't brave enough to have one awkward conversation even though that was the obvious, respectful and decent course of action.

I've not heard back after great dates and that was bad enough! Ten months! What a loser.

Tameagobairanois · 25/09/2017 14:32

Shit now but I think it demonstrates that he is 1) cowardly, 2) disrespectful of you and the 10 months you spent together and 3) a poor communicator, 4) not unable to be cruel. So hopefully after the suckerpunch you will be freeed up to get turned off and move on quicker.

Sometimes it's like that for me. I was wavering over a man I couldn't figure out a while back and I discovered something (he doesn't know I know it) and it absolutely winded me, the shock, that he'd mislead me so deliberately to have me as a placeholder gf) but then, I found I could put it aside for good Knowing he's a shit has helped me.

Original poster

Hueandcry · 25/09/2017 14:45

Knowing he can do this makes me think he's not the man i thought he was & there's no question of wanting him back. I guess it's both not knowing why & also wondering about my own judgement & how I got things so wrong that's bothering me. Lucky escape i suppose

OP posts:

Tameagobairanois · 25/09/2017 15:07

No, he wasn't, clearly, and it takes a while to process such a betrayal but hopefully in the end, the lack of scruples just turns you off so finally that for you, it's done and for him, it will hover over him like a stain on his record.

I wonder about my judgement too. I don't feel like a stupid doormat! But, I wasted more than a year coming and going on a man who in the end admitted he was just meeting his own needs, he'd had no intention of ever committing to me, not even in a let's see what happens way. He knew from the outset ''no, it's a never'' but yet chose to spend a lot of time with me, and most painfully, he was good company and supportive. I also worry that it takes a year to find out if somebody's words match their actions, whether they're a fundamentally decent person or if they're a coward or a user with no conscience and no attempt even to do the right thing.

Original poster

Hueandcry · 25/09/2017 15:13

Thanks tame , strangely it helps to know I'm not the only one

OP posts:

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 25/09/2017 15:27

How awful. You've had a lucky escape by the sounds of it!

TheNaze73 · 25/09/2017 17:22

I agree with Userthen, you've had a lucky escape.

Sadly OLD has lead to a sweet shop mentality amongst some people.

peanut2017 · 25/09/2017 17:34

Wow what a shitty thing to do after 10 months. You poor thing. Did you contact him? Don't know how anyone can do that to someone after that length of time. Did you meet each other's family?

You are well rid of him. What a dick

Hope you are ok

Original poster

Hueandcry · 25/09/2017 17:59

I did contact him but he's just ignored me. Wont be trying again. He hasnt deleted me on Facebook so i kniw he's still alive. I should block him just haven't bothered yet. We met each other's friends but not family as they're not near

OP posts:

sammylady37 · 25/09/2017 21:23

About 8 years ago, before OLD and ghosting were the widespread things they now are, I was ghosted by a man I'd been seeing for more than a year. He was living in the U.K. and I was in Ireland. We used be in regular contact on instant messenger (hotmail msn, as far as I remember) and by text. We used meet up almost every weekend. Anyway, we went on holidays together, a fairly exotic holiday, flew back to Heathrow, from where he drove to his home and I got a connecting flight back to Ireland. I never saw or heard from him again. He just disappeared from my life. I actually went to some lengths to establish he wasn't dead, such was the inexplicable nature of it.

It's such a cruel thing to do to someone. If he had said (or even emailed to say) that he'd lost interest or met someone else or whatever, I'd have been upset but I'd have gotten on with things, but this ghosting just left me hurt and utterly bewildered. Sorry that it's happened you, OP. The only comfort I can offer you is that he's clearly an immature, dishonest and cowardly muppet, of whom you're well rid.

Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 21:26

Oh dear OP. My relationship just ended after 11 months. Total shock to me. I haven't been ghosted though. How cowardly. I hope you're ok. I'm still very very upset

Original poster

Hueandcry · 25/09/2017 22:10

I was on fb tonight & went to unfriend him & he's already done it. Oh well i guess I'll just never know. Funny how you can get things so wrong & I usually consider myself to be a good judge of people

OP posts:

Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 22:13

What a gutless coward

Rainbowglow · 25/09/2017 22:21

I am so sorry. What a spineless man. Just remember you have done nothing wrong and deserved better Surround yourself with good friends and family who love you.

Original poster

Hueandcry · 25/09/2017 22:39

I'm trying to remember that but i still feel hurt...

OP posts:

Tameagobairanois · 25/09/2017 22:44

God what a coward!
Deleting you on facebook!
Block him so you're never tempted to look him up.

userxx · 25/09/2017 23:26

There's been a few other threads recently about being ghosted after being together for a while, so it's clearly not that uncommon these days. I don't understand how someone could do that, it's just so unnecessary and cruel.

Really hope he gets a taster of his own shitty behaviour in the future. Twat.

toffeeapple123 · 25/09/2017 23:37

Happened to me after nearly 3 years together. Things weren't perfect but nothing major happened. He also removed me from all his social media accounts with no explanation.

What pathetic losers they are.

I am keeping my head held high - so should you. You'll look back and realise you had a lucky escape, this is not the kind of man you want in your life, as hard as it may be now.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/09/2017 23:42

I am irrationally angry that he de friended you first

What a cunt

I hope he gets knocked off his bike and has to have stitches on his balls

scoobydoo1971 · 26/09/2017 01:04

However hurtful and disgusting his behaviour seems right now...you will come to realise this is nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. What a lucky escape from an idiot with the emotional functioning of a crocodile eh?

Redglitter · 26/09/2017 01:20

My ex did this to me after 12 years!

Did me a favour in the long run though I didn't see that for a while

Mintychoc1 · 26/09/2017 07:08

I would never let anyone walk away so easily. I'd go to his house and make him dump me properly. Breaking up with someone is never fun but it's part of life and relationships etc. No way would I allow someone to slip quietly out of my life without having to provide an explanation, even if that explanation was hurtful to me.

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