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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When he cheats on you, he will cheat on you

49 replies

EddyF · 21/09/2017 04:03

Do you believe this statement to be somewhat the truth? I have seen this statement all throughout this week in relation to Kevin Hart's cheating on his new wife, who cheated with Kevin whilst Kevin was married to his first wife.

Just a month ago, the new wife posted on instagram berating the ex wife being a victim and that her marriage to Kevin was over when she entered the picture. She stated this after posting a 'happy 8th year anniversary' post. People obviously pulled her up as Kevin has only been divorced for 6 years, and his youngest child with his ex wife is around 6 years old.

I am unsure regarding this statement as my ex cheated on me horrendously but he seems to have settled down with his affair person (she's more than welcome to his narcissistic ways) for years now. I am completely over it as it happened so many years ago but that statement made me think if there is some truth in it.

Lol I can't sleep so just typing away.

OP posts:

Original poster

EddyF · 21/09/2017 04:04

Argh the title is all wrong! It was meant to say "If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you". Sorry

OP posts:

MumBod · 21/09/2017 04:46

I don't think it's true, no.

It will be in some cases but not all.

Blanket statements don't work when applied to human behaviour. We're a funny bunch.

chelseapritch · 21/09/2017 04:54

No I don't think the statements true either. My husband cheated on me when we first got together, 1 month in. ashamed to admit it, but 3 times (I swear I'm attractive) . I must admit it was a hard patch to come through, but 6 years down the line and we have 2 beautiful children and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Just like you I think his shag naughty days are over. I know he couldn't live without me, many people including himself have said he wouldn't.

rumred · 21/09/2017 05:38

Yes more likely than not. The inhibition about cheating may be gone so it's easy to do it again. Not always but with many from my own experience. And some people enjoy the thrill of illicit affairs plus the ego boost.
Just because someone gets married, has kids, post twaddle on fb etc doesn't mean they are faithful. People lie. Again, not all but lots

LellyMcKelly · 21/09/2017 05:50

It shows the potential is there, because he's already done it at least once.

RainyApril · 21/09/2017 06:16

I think someone who has cheated is likely to do it again, since they have already proven that they are capable of the deception necessary to carry it off.

From talking to people who have experienced it, it also seems that an affair can feel dangerously exciting and provide an enormous ego boost that is hard to replicate.

It's not certain of course. My xh, who cheated on me, says he doesn't think he will cheat on his new gf because 'by the time he's bored of her he will be too old to care'.
And there must be people who leave miserable relationships and be genuinely happy with their new partner of course.

pigeondujour · 21/09/2017 06:23

I think it's wise to assume it's true, iyswim, but it mightn't always be. A relative of mine and his wife are quite open that she was the OW, and while I know no one knows for sure, I'd be very surprised if he cheated on her - they seem totally in love and the best of friends.

MaisyPops · 21/09/2017 06:29

It depends.

Some people are serial shaggers who are out for what they can get. They enjoy the thrill of thr chase and the excitement of an affair. So in those cases, probably when the old affair becomes the main relationship those people will find a new affair.

Other people I think find themselves stuck in relationships that they aren't happy with / feel indifferent to brcause they care about their partner but it's not what it was. They may have an affair as a series of poor decisions but the affair shows them that they maybe aren't as compatible as they thought. Bad way out of a relationship but probably not likely to do it again

TheNaze73 · 21/09/2017 07:31

There are two types of people in relationships. Cheats & non cheats. You do it once, I think the propensity to do it again must be massive.
I could never be the other person for 2 reasons. If the fling became permanent, I'd have trust issues from first hand experience & secondly I just wouldn't want to knowlingly do that to another human. Technically, I'd be doing nothing wrong as I'm not the one actually cheating but, I'd be thinking it's a bit shit that I'd resigned myself to settling for someone already with some one & not good enough to find somebody who's fully & emotionally available.

Great post OP

Loopytiles · 21/09/2017 07:32

Do you mean when he cheats WITH you?

Airbiscuits · 21/09/2017 07:32

Charles & Camilla

I don't think either of them have cheated on each other.

So no, not always. But serial cheats? Probably.

pigeondujour · 21/09/2017 07:35

I'd be very surprised if neither Charles nor Camilla have engaged in no extracurriculars whatsoever.

Ledkr · 21/09/2017 07:38

I think it's true in the sense that the person who cheats once possibly has the capacity to do it again. As in an ability to be deceptive and inflict pain and hurt on another person whom they have shared a life with.
my exh has already cheated on the ow so in his case it's true.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 21/09/2017 07:48

Not necessarily. However I think that it is something which is A, hoped for by the betrayed party, and B, feared by the OW.

If you are with someone who leaves his partner for you then the relationship has already been started on the basis of lies, mistrust and insecurity, and you know what he's capable of and you know that e.g. If he's told you that the marriage was sexless (even if it was) then if you hit a sexless patch you must wonder if he'll find satisfaction elsewhere.

WRT the left party, they invariably hope that he will cheat on the OW because if he cheats on her then it wasn't anything to do with you, iyswim.

However affairs are not always black and white despite what MN would have people believe. Given more people cheat on their partners than don't it stands to reason that there are people who have, for whatever reason, ended up in bad relationships. Many of those people move on from those relationships and never cheat again. It's far too simplistic to suggest that there are cheaters and non cheaters. everyone has the ability to cheat in the right circumstances, in fact it's the "I'm positive I'll never cheat," types who are more likely to cheat because they're complacent and often don't recognise the signs until they're emotionally involved.

As for Charles and Camilla, no I don't think they've cheated on each other. They were prohibited from being together, had they just been permitted to marry in the first place none of this would have happened. And bear in mind that Diana was no saint, she had multiple affairs and was the OW at least once (will Carling)...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2017 08:26

No because even somebody who has cheated, if the relationship ends, will feel some degree of sorrow and even if there were reasons for incompatibility (which many posters resolutely disagree there ever were), a new relationship can herald the start of something promising and it's a clean slate. I don't believe anybody goes from relationship to relationship cheating away.

Some couples are just more compatible. That's what I found and my ex would not cheat on his wife, I'm sure of it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2017 08:27

Agree with TheRealBiscuit, have just read her post.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/09/2017 08:34

From my experiences - yes.
ExH cheated on me many years into the relationship and once he'd done it once he cheated on every other woman he has been with.
My more recent Ex - definitely.
He's with someone who he cheated on me with (not the only one by the way) and I know he's already cheated on her.
She doesn't know but she'll figure him out soon enough.
But I'm sure there are many out there who just wanted that exit affair and are now very happy being monogamous with their newer partner.

JoJoSM2 · 21/09/2017 08:34

I think it's likely to happen. If someone demonstrates that they're that type of person, then they won't just wake up one day with integrity, will they?

ShatnersWig · 21/09/2017 08:42

Cheating just messes people up.

I know someone who cheated on her husband (everyone thought she was mad, he was good looking, treated her fabulously). Left him then got together with the OM (who I have to say, other than the affair thing - he was totally single but still shouldn't have gone there - seems a very nice bloke). But she has been in therapy for two years for jealousy issues and if he even talks to another woman you can see the look on her face. It's like despite the fact she was the one who cheated on a partner, the fact that they got together due to an affair means she can't trust her new man.

I don't think she'd cheat again, actually, and I don't believe the new man would. But the likelihood of this relationship surviving is slim.

PeterBlue · 21/09/2017 08:45

No, I don't. My ex-FIL married his OW and, so far as I know, has been faithful to her for something like 20 years.

Newtssuitcase · 21/09/2017 08:53

No I don't think its true. DH and I both cheated on our then partners when we first got together. Neither one of us is proud of it but those relationships weren't right, we were in our early 20s and before we knew it we were very involved with each other. That was 20 years ago. I can say hand on heart that I have never cheated on him. I very much hope he hasn't cheated on me. As far as I am aware we are very much in love still and are each other's best friend. We laugh together, talk lots and still really fancy each other.

I do admit I sometimes feel a bit insecure but that's partly because annoyingly he still looks like he could be in a boy band and so does attract a degree of female attention.

ptumbi · 21/09/2017 08:56

chelsea My husband cheated on me when we first got together, 1 month in. ashamed to admit it, but 3 times (I swear I'm attractive) blushblush - FGS don't take the blame for his affair! Your attractiveness is nothing to do with it!

I rally hate the blaming that goes with an affair - a guy at work had an affair with a colleague, and I was told that his wife 'might be a harridan' at home! WTF has that to do with him keeping his pants on? Even if she is a harridan, does not give him the right to shag someone else.

And chelsea, it was not your fault for not being attractive enough.

ravenmum · 21/09/2017 09:08

everyone has the ability to cheat in the right circumstances
I'd say that some people are more likely than others, though. I'm a massively risk-averse person so can't easily imagine myself deliberately cheating, not because I'm morally superior but just because I'm a terrible scaredy cat. I'm not saying never, just that I think I'm less likely to cheat than someone who regularly takes risks.

I would also say that the first time you cheat, that is a very big step to take. The second time, less so. You've already decided that everyone else lives in a black and white world but you are far more nuanced and realistic - you've justified it to yourself once and worked out why cheating is actually fine. The arguments are all in place.

But no, just because you've cheated once that doesn't automatically mean you're going to cheat again. Why should it? You might be far happier with your new partner. You might just be older and uglier and have fewer opportunities. You might have grown up a bit and seen that you could have done things differently.

27Feb · 21/09/2017 09:10

My DF left his first wife for my DM. Don't know if he cheated again, but I'm not aware of it and he always seemed completely devoted, nursed her through her final illness, still talks about how much he misses her.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 21/09/2017 09:26

This is the kind of twaddle trotted out misguidedly to try to make people who have been cheated on feel better.

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