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Original poster

What would you do?

46 replies

Mumsthewordssshhh · 20/09/2017 23:31

After some advice. I found out my friend's husband is having an affair and that it has been going on for two years. Her husband told my husband who told me and now I feel stuck. It's not my place to say anything is it? Or is it betraying my friend by keeping stum even when it crops up in conversation when she's offloading about how often her husband meets up with the OW for tennis matches?

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 23:33

You would be a very bad friend if you didn't tell your friend to be on the lookout for another woman.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/09/2017 23:34

Tell her.

lookatyourwatchnow · 20/09/2017 23:37

Why the fuck wouldn't you tell her?!

AnyFucker · 20/09/2017 23:38

You would be no friend of mine

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2017 23:42

Tell your husband you're going to inform her before you do. You are in a very sticky spot. You're going to betray your husband's confidence, so just be prepared for the fallout if you do tell her.

bramblina · 20/09/2017 23:42

I told my friend, and pretty much lost her. She still speaks fine but we never meet etc, her husband hasn't spoken to me since (except when I go in their shop) and this happened 13 yeas ago. I would still do it again, as I would have hated myself more for not having done it, but it's a massive consideration. It will change everything, just choose your words carefully. Good luck.

Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 20/09/2017 23:44

I'm glad I asked as I was genuinely finding it hard to think either option through. And it helps all immediate responses are the same.

But in answer to why not, I guess the reluctance may come from a cowardly stance? And because telling her means I am the one potentially triggering separation/divorce and I don't want to be the bearer of news that is fairly likely to break up a family with young kids. (Young kids read as including a newly born baby). And or send an already very hormonal mummy over the edge.

Urggh so wish I didn't know!

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 20/09/2017 23:47

OP on another day you could have got loads of replies telling you it's not your business.
How about a compromise - tell her husband he has to tell her or you will.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2017 23:49

Your husband was a jerk for telling you. All of the posters are imploring you to tell her about the affair, and normally I would 100% agree. However, your relationship with your own husband is now caught up in all this. I suggest you talk to him before you tell your friend.

Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 20/09/2017 23:50

@AnyFucker bit harsh but each to their own. Would you have told your friend the exact minute you found out? I only very recently found out after mentioning tennis match talk to hubby and querying the possibilty of an affair.

OP posts:
NotJustThreeSmallWords · 20/09/2017 23:51

Same story as Bramblina - I told my friend and she dropped me immediately. She is still with him 4 children and 20 years later and they're massively happy apparently.

Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 20/09/2017 23:54

Mintychoc1 Thanks for pointing that out

Aquamarine1029 I don't really blame him. I had queried regular meet ups and maybe he felt if he didn't tell me it'd be like lying to me. It's all a bit messy really. But yes will definitely talk to him first.

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 20/09/2017 23:58

I'd tell her, and risk her not believing me/dropping me as a friend.

At least my conscience would be clear, she would have the information, and she would make her own decisions with that knowledge.

Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 20/09/2017 23:58

@NotJustThreeSmallWords What did she say when you told her? How had you found out? Would she have preferred you didn't tell her? Did she ever discuss the situation with you before she dropped you? Sounds a bit like damned if you do and damned if you don't...

OP posts:
MadamePomfrey · 21/09/2017 00:04

I would rather someone dropped me as a friend for being honest. Than be party to the betrayal. I would be honest but expect to receive some backlash is not the end of the friendship! However I couldn't be friends with someone I was lying to even by omission.

LellyMcKelly · 21/09/2017 00:09

My husband had an affair. My friend knew and never told me. That was almost as devastating - that she was prepared to let him go on treating me badly. Either way, the friendship is at risk, but at least your conscience will be clear. A lot depends on how you tell her. She may already know and be complicit, or hoping it will all blow over.

Hellywelly10 · 21/09/2017 00:24

It doesn't sound like this man is making any effort to keep things secret. Maybe he wants to get caught out? Your friend is likely to know already.

Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 21/09/2017 00:27

LellyMcKelly thanks for that insight. If you don't mind me asking, did you have no clue? TBH I don't think it'd be a complete surprise to her. It felt like when she last had a general chat to me that it had crossed her mind but she was hoping she was overthinking things. But now I've found out, I can't lie. Idiot men for making things difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 21/09/2017 00:28

And women. Obviously it takes two to tango. Oh the OW is married too with kids. There will def be a domino effect.

OP posts:
esk1mo · 21/09/2017 00:43

tell her anonymously, email or something?

Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 21/09/2017 01:02

esk1mo good thought but don't think it'd work for me. It works as in she gets the info, but she'd probably tell me about the email at which point I'd have to say I sent it (I can't not confirm I sent it or act shocked about the contents?!)

I do have to tell. I guess I knew but was hoping there'd be more of a divide to take the pressure/ stress of being the bearer of such bad news off.

And maybe when OM told my DH, it was actually done knowing it might get to my friend without him having to be the one directly disclosing the affair. Or maybe now I'm the one over thinking things!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 21/09/2017 01:03

You have to tell her. And I'd feel betrayed if my husband hadn't told me in your husbands place. It would indicate fundamentally different morals which is bad news for a marriage.

Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 21/09/2017 01:08

timeisnotaline now agreed about telling her. Just needed input before dealing with such a delicate situation.

But about feeling betrayed by husband, you mean you'd feel betrayed you only found out in prompted conversation rather than him having immediately proffered the info when disclosed by OM? I don't feel betrayed but then I hadn't given it much thought as I was only thinking about the need to tell my friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumsthewordssshhh · 21/09/2017 01:10

Will see what OP have to add tomorrow as need to sleep. But, yes, has to be done...unfortunate I have to be the one doing it...

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 21/09/2017 01:41

It's a horrible to situation to be in, but I do think you need to tell her.

I have a male friend whose first marriage broke down because his wife left him for another man with whom she'd been having an affair for a few months. He suspected nothing and was devastated. But what stung even more was that after it was all out in the open he found out that one of his own friends had known about the affair and had said nothing. I think he saw that betrayal as bad, or perhaps even worse, that his wife's betrayal.