What would you do?

[Mumsthewordssshhh]

After some advice. I found out my friend's husband is having an affair and that it has been going on for two years. Her husband told my husband who told me and now I feel stuck. It's not my place to say anything is it? Or is it betraying my friend by keeping stum even when it crops up in conversation when she's offloading about how often her husband meets up with the OW for tennis matches?

[Purpleball]

I'd give him 48 hours to tell her or you will. It's his fuck up and he should tell her.
Make sure he knows that you will tell her and it will be better from him. She's going to lash out at whoever it is and you've done nothing wrong!

[CoyoteCafe]

One more thing -- try not to make assumptions about how she will respond either now or in the future.

The situation my DH and I found ourselves in was different. A friend of his was engaged, I got to be friends with his fiancé, and she eventually told me that she didn't love him. She was still in love with an ex boyfriend, and was marrying my DH's friend because she thought he would be a good provider and she wanted children.

I told my DH, who told his friend. The friend still married her. They never spoke to us again, other than to let us know when they had a child together.

It was bizarre. None the less, DH and I still feel we did the right thing.

[Mumsthewordssshhh]

@JWrecks Not at all, I'm glad for everyone's input (well apart from some early ones bordering on rude!)

Grateful for all the 3P and personal insights.

[JWrecks]

Ah ok, then that makes it much easier for you to not have told her yet. It makes perfect sense to tell her in person - that's just not something you want to hear over the phone.

I'm not at all criticising you for not having told her yet, so I really hope I don't come across that way!! Taking on the burden of telling her something like this is really heroic of you IMO.

I'm just trying to imagine being in her scenario and hearing those words, looking for worst case scenarios you may have in telling her, and ways you can make this awful thing easier for both of you.

I THINK, if it were me, I would either try my very best to not believe it, or ask why she didn't tell me the very second she found out - but only because I'd be really angry at the whole world. You'll just want to be prepared with the most honest answers you can give her, because the poor thing, she may have nothing but questions.

She may be nothing but grateful right from the start, but she may not see this as the kindness it is right away, iyswim.

She's really lucky to have you for a friend.

[WickedLazy]

My best mate was the one who caught my ex dp cheating on me (just kissing, but that was enough). I'd had my suspicions for ages (about various women over the years) but could never prove it. I'm so glad she told me! I'd rather know, than be the only one who doesn't, iyswim.

[bengalcat]

Difficult but isn't there a clue in your post - your friend has already commented on how often her husband meets up with OW at tennis - maybe she already knows / suspects and is wondering if your husband has dropped you any hints as they're mates ? When she brings it up again or you could say you'd been thinking about her comments re this and wondered if they're more intimate - if she pursues this conversation you could let slip what your husband told you - what does your husband say about it ? Maybe he feels uncomfortable and that it's wrong but is hoping in telling you you'll pass it on

[Mumsthewordssshhh]

@JWrecks thanks so much for all of that. Really helpful and will take all it into consideration. We don't live close (2 hours away) and I feel it's something I have to do face to face. Thing is she was over for lunch yesterday and after then having mentioned to husband some of the convo he divulged the info. So just by me saying I want to arrange another meet up and soon will be highly unusual. Hate this, but has to be done.

@Mum2OneTeen sorry about your fallout. Why did your friend blame you? Misplaced anger or she would have preferred not knowing since she decided to stay with her DH anyway? I'm not sure I could do it anonymously. She'd tell me about the note and I'd be lying to not say it was me.

Thanks all for input. Now to arrange a meeting again.

[hellsbellsmelons]

means I am the one potentially triggering separation/divorce
Nope that shit is all on her lying, cheating, scumbag of a husband.
You do need to tell her.
Not sure how you go about it though.
I had to tell my sister once. I was 'nominated'
She didn't blame me or shoot the messenger.
She was grateful.
It was horrible to see the shock and devastation on her face though.
Never want to do that again.
But I would if it came to it.
I was thoroughly pissed off that no-one told me when my ExH was cheating.

[Justdontknow4321]

I also think you should tell her.

Good luck

[Mum2OneTeen]

Like PPs, I was in this situation once and decided to tell my close friend after having being informed by other mutual friends. I volunteered to be the one to break the news as I was the one who could actually see her in person to try to make it as minimally painful as possible. It ended badly and I never see either of them now (used to be close to both). They continued on as a couple, but I never got over the fallout (& betrayal as my friend revealed to her DP that I was the actual "informer".

I would never put myself on the line again, however I would inform the friend anonymously via an untraceable typed note explaining as kindly as I could without any self identifying information whatsoever. What the friend chose to do would be up to her, you have to remember that some people may have suspicions but choose not to investigate/take the matter further (as is their prerogative I suppose).

Good luck whatever you decide to do. I just don't think it is worth putting your relationship with your DH, her DH, the friend, and other people in your circle in jeapardy because of the actions of the philandering arsehole.

[CoyoteCafe]

Don't lie to her about anything. Poor woman's whole list GW is a lie. She doesn't need more of it from a friend. The truth is you wrestled with how to tell it because it is such a horrible situation.

It's also possible that you will lose her. She might stay with him. Your husbands friend with her husband is definitely over. This changes this. None the less, it really is the only way forward.

[JWrecks]

You've made the right choice. You simply must tell her. I do not envy you. This is going to be awful. But you are 100% doing the right thing, and she really needs you right now. Do it quickly now; get it over with as soon as possible.

Be as honest and compassionate and empathetic as you possibly can, but tell her. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would want to hear that news - where you'd want to be, what words you'd want to hear.

Do it in person. I assume you live near enough to each other that you can pop round to see her? I wouldn't tell her over the phone; I'd do it face to face if at all possible. Call/text and ask if she can meet you somewhere or if you can come get her and take her somewhere. Be insistent. You don't want to freak her out too much before you tell her, and you don't want to have to tell the poor girl over the phone if you can avoid it at all.

Go to a quiet, private place where you can be as alone as reasonably possible - no DC, no DP, no other friends - so that she doesn't have to cry in front of others. Go somewhere where she won't have to feel self-conscious, if you can find it. I don't recommend her home, for sure, and probably not your house, unless your DC and DC are out and you can be alone.

Things to take with you: Bring tissues and baby wipes in case her make up runs, and maybe even take an extra top or cardi for her in case tears stain her clothes or something. Maybe take a couple of drinks with you? Something light and fruity and tasty, or some wine (those little single-glass bottles or something might work). You don't want to get her hammered, obviously, as she'll have a nasty confrontation on her hands when you part ways, but something to take the edge off hidden in your purse would be a god-send in that moment. Bring her favourite snack or chocolate or something like that, too.

Be prepared. Get all the proof you can, so that you can try your best to assure her you're not telling her a lie to hurt her or anything like that. I know that sounds awful, but hearing this kind of news can make people feel desperate and panicky and paranoid and irrational at the best of times. If you don't have any proof apart from what you've heard, then tell her "listen love, I heard something horrible and I need to tell you. I don't have any real proof beyond this, but my DH told me that your DH told him...."

Be ready to support her, hug her, slag him off with her, and even be ready for her to be angry with you. That will pass quickly, I'm sure, but in the moment her feelings will be in control, and at the top will be pain and anger, and you'll be her only possible target. Just be as compassionate as you can - try not to get defensive - and let her let it out.

She'll probably ask when you found out. You've got two options there:
A) Lie. You tell her that you only found out yesterday and came to her as soon as you heard. You'll need to arrange this option with your DH as she may ask him for corroboration, and if she finds out you lied she may be hurt.
Or B) Tell her the truth. Tell her that you wrestled with telling her because you didn't want to hurt her, worried that it's possible she may not even want to know, worried that she already knew and didn't want it to get out, but you realised that you simply could not let it go without telling her because she is your friend and you love her and she deserves to know. She may be hurt by the fact that you didn't tell her straight away, but in the end she will be grateful that you told her.

I think, personally, that honesty is best here. She has been deceived more than enough already, the poor girl.

Ohhh good luck @Mumstheword. This is going to be awful. I'm so sorry you've got to be the one to do it. Be strong, for her. She really needs you now. You're a wonderful person for doing this.

[CoyoteCafe]

I like the idea of having her over and you and your husband telling her.

What is your husband's take on all this? I find men's responses to their friends screwing around interesting.

[Myheartbelongsto]

I told my own father about my mothers affair with my best friends dad when I was 14. We both sat in the car and cried because things would never be the same again.

Tell her op.

[Mumsthewordssshhh]

Thanks all. (Please don't shot the messenger, please don't shoot the messenger).

[flumpybear]

I'd tell her to be honest - she may have sn inkling already

[user1497991628]

I'm glad you decided to tell her.

I got an anonymous message, and am plagued to this day about who sent it.

I knew something was wrong and would not have shot the messenger: in a weird way I felt relieved that I was not mad.

Good luck, you're a good friend.

[Winteriscomingneedmorewood]

I would invite her around and make your dh tell her. He has the facts. If you tell her it's second hand. .

[loveyoutothemoon]

She sounds like a very close friend, you have to tell her. Much better that it comes from you.

[cakecakecheese]

Your poor friend and how awful for you to be put in this position. It's not going to be nice having to tell her but it is much better coming from you than say the other woman, or someone who is a lot less thoughtful and caring or her finding out but catching them.

[category12]

She suspects already so just tell her what you know. It drives you mad being suspicious and getting fed lies.

[Seeingadistance]

It's a horrible to situation to be in, but I do think you need to tell her.

I have a male friend whose first marriage broke down because his wife left him for another man with whom she'd been having an affair for a few months. He suspected nothing and was devastated. But what stung even more was that after it was all out in the open he found out that one of his own friends had known about the affair and had said nothing. I think he saw that betrayal as bad, or perhaps even worse, that his wife's betrayal.

[Mumsthewordssshhh]

Will see what OP have to add tomorrow as need to sleep. But, yes, has to be done...unfortunate I have to be the one doing it...

[Mumsthewordssshhh]

timeisnotaline now agreed about telling her. Just needed input before dealing with such a delicate situation.

But about feeling betrayed by husband, you mean you'd feel betrayed you only found out in prompted conversation rather than him having immediately proffered the info when disclosed by OM? I don't feel betrayed but then I hadn't given it much thought as I was only thinking about the need to tell my friend.

[timeisnotaline]

You have to tell her. And I'd feel betrayed if my husband hadn't told me in your husbands place. It would indicate fundamentally different morals which is bad news for a marriage.