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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and credit card lies

29 replies

Husbandwithhalfabrain · 18/09/2017 18:15

Hi I don't want this in the daily mail so will be vague and throw scent off links to me irl if that's ok?
Basically my husband Dhh ( dick head husband) has always been crap with money, he's got various cards over various years and get himself into debt.

I have always tried to help him out, paying them off which ultimately enables him to get a new card and increase his last amount owed.

I knew he had about £15,000 debt at xmas this year, but I also found out he had cleared out the kids accounts ( no idea how much they had but guess > £5000 in total. I told him I was leaving him. He said he would let met help him to get out of debt. Stupid me wanted to believe him.

So this month I found out he's defaulted on some repayments, gone over his overdraft etc so stupidly again I gave him £5000 to get back in the red. He gave me all his cards.

Today a letter came for him, I don't trust him so I opened it. A NEW card I knew nothing about has said he's in arrears! So I honestly don't know how many cards he has or how much his debt is.i also found out he's taken back all the credit cards he's given me. I have changed my bank pin, made sure I have zero cash in the house and changed my phones pin. I have hid his current account card and the last credit card I have. What else should I do? My gut says move my money asap before he gets to this as well.

We have a JA which I'm desperately trying to close which he's gone over drawn on. Mortgage bounced this month too!

He's a lieing a hole and to be honest he's got zero redeeming features. He's started snapping at me and try's to make out I'm nagging when I try to help.

If he goes into debt management will his access to credit stop? Will it effect my credit rating?

Help!

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 18/09/2017 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetLuck · 18/09/2017 18:23

You need to leave him!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2017 18:36

Get a solicitor, make sure he doesn't have access to any of your money and kick him out. He is playing you for a fool and he will never, ever change. If after all this and you stay with him, you're crazy.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2017 18:37

And just to be crystal clear, you have not been "helping" him, you've been enabling him. It needs to stop right now.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 18/09/2017 18:38

You have to end it - you know that. He'll destroy you.

fc301 · 18/09/2017 18:40

Where's all the money going?? Gambling addiction?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 18/09/2017 18:40

Have you posted about him before? This sounds familiar.

If you are who I think you are then you need to sling him out and start divorce proceedings. He's lied and lied and lied. He's not only stolen money from your kids but he's now jeopardising the roof over your head.

Get rid. He won't change - and God knows you've given him chance after chance. No more. And don't trust a thing that he says or does, because he has already demonstrated that his 'word' is worth jack shit.

AdoraBell · 18/09/2017 18:51

Yes, move any money you can, to an account he can't access. Your salary too. Check your credit report to see if he has used your name. And get legal advice, then get rid because he will not change.

Original poster
Husbandwithhalfabrain · 18/09/2017 18:52

No not posted about him before. I know I enable him, I have only realised that this year

OP posts:
f83mx · 18/09/2017 19:18

What is he spending it all on? He obviously needs help - buuuttt not the bailing him out financially kinda help.

f83mx · 18/09/2017 19:20

Also i know this is on the mega sneaky side but could you register as him on credit check score site - will that tell you how deep he's in?

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 18/09/2017 19:24

When I realised my dh was spending our money and dc money I told him to leave. . The next morning.
And he did..
No regrets whatsoever.
Do it.
No excuses.
Tomorrow.

Offred · 18/09/2017 21:34

What on earth is he spending all that on?!? Not that it matters really...

You really do need to register for a credit check like clearscore which will tell you if he has used your details to apply for credit. If he has then you need to report him to the police.

And you need to make all your money safe and boot him out. Freeze the joint account so he can't get more overdraft.

Original poster
Husbandwithhalfabrain · 18/09/2017 22:22

I have checked my credit file and it's fine thank god. I asked at the bank today and I can't remove myself from the joint account without him present! So he's coming to the bank with me tomorrow. He's getting singed off with stress so he can go to bank and sort his shit out

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 18/09/2017 22:32

A debt management plan is only possible with a certain amount of debt. If he has an awful lot of debt he would be encouraged by a debt management company to do an IVA or bankruptcy instead. A debt management plan would mean that he wouldn't be able to get any more credit for the duration of the plan (usually at least 6 years) and possibly for longer.
Personally I think you should cut yourself off from him financially completely and then he needs to contact a charity such as step change that will help him resolve his arrears. Defaulting on the mortgage is obviously going to seriously affect you as well assuming the house is also in your name.
What a mess...

Original poster
Husbandwithhalfabrain · 18/09/2017 22:35

I think it's around 30000

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 19/09/2017 09:22

This screams addiction. My guess is gambling - going through huge amounts of cash in a short space of time suggests that he is using fixed odds betting terminals. You can lose £100s in no time at all - Guardian link to a recent article where a guy lost £400 in minutes. It's theoretically possible to gamble up to £18K in an hour on these things.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to separate from him. When it's got to the stage where he is stealing money from your kids and your mortgage payment has bounced, you need to face facts and accept that your priority has to be you and your DC. As long as you are financially linked to this man you will have problems. Given the lies and deceit I would not trust a single word he says.

Offred · 19/09/2017 09:29

Oh thank god he hasn't borrowed in your name!

cakecakecheese · 19/09/2017 11:17

How the hell is he still getting credit? Some really irresponsible lending going on here, although obviously it is all down to him.

You've tried your best but he won't help himself so the main thing is protecting yourself and your children as much as you can.

Have you looked in the Money Saving Expert debt forums? You could post there as many will have similar experiences to you. Also Citizen's Advice might be able to help.

Original poster
Husbandwithhalfabrain · 19/09/2017 15:10

He's phoned the national debt line today. He's going with me to close the joint account tomorrow.

I know it's totally his fault but agree it's wrong he's been able to get so much credit - it's well over his annual income and one card alone has lent him 2/3 of his gross annual income which must be close to his net annual income.

OP posts:
TurquoiseShines · 19/09/2017 15:35

Whose name is on a bank account is a minor point, and may even be completely irrelevant. You really need to appraise yourself of the law, OP. See a solicitor. Partners in marriage are treated for the most part as a single financial unit. His debts are your debts too. A solicitor will clarify. Perhaps a judicial separation will ensure future debts of his will not be yours too.

sunnysomehwere · 19/09/2017 15:36

Mine did all you've described repeatedly. Protect your interests, his mess is not your responsibility.

First things first, stop 'helping' him financially. Do not give him money or pay his bills/debts. You're enabling, not helping him.

Empty and close your joint account/remove him from it. He does have to be present to do so, yes. If he refuses to attend, make sure the bank are aware so he can't get an overdraft extension (mine did this, it went from £200 to £2000 without me knowing).
Do this where there is any financial link between protect your credit rating.

Refuse to take his cards anymore, managing his money is his responsibility not yours. Destroy the ones he or you have of his. He may get new ones, not your concern.

Make sure he cannot access your/the kids accounts online or via a cash machine. Cancel all your cards and get new ones with new PINs.

Be aware that he could use PayPal to transfer money from your account to one of his or someone else's using your card details, which he may already have (not that difficult to take a photo of your card when you're not looking). Another reason to get new cards.

Make sure any essential bills are transferred to your account for payment. Do not transfer money to his account to pay things as he'll just spend it. His mobile phone bill etc is not essential, council tax, mortgage etc are.

Keep all money and your cards out of sight and be vigilant.

Watch your stuff, the kids too. He may start selling things.

Be aware that providers such as BT and Sky offer account holders deals on mobile phone contracts. Mobile phones can easily be sold. If you have any such accounts that he can access, even if they're in your name only, make sure they know he is not authorised to discuss the account.

Don't assume he'll contribute to the household finances, expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.

And last but not least, LTB!

TurquoiseShines · 19/09/2017 15:40

It sounds like you are rescuing him again, btw. You're helping sort out his debts etc rather than seeing a solicitor to protect yourself and kids. I'd overtake a bat out of hell to get away from someone like your H. You wouldn't see the dust.

sunnysomehwere · 19/09/2017 15:43

Debt is not joint debt unless it's in both your names e.g. a joint account overdraft or a mortgage. I know this to be true as I was/ am in this position. Equally your assets are not his for the purposes of repaying debt (all assets are considered joint assets should you divorce though, debt is not joint debt in divorce unless in joint names)

My H has a debt management plan. They asked for my financial info, I refused to allow him to give my details. His plan even includes a statement that they are his debts and I am not associated with them, therefore they cannot claim from me if he defaults. They were accumulated before and during our marriage.

MegMortimer · 19/09/2017 15:46

My sympathies, OP but do understand that this is not going to end - sorry. Also, what you have discovered may be the tip of the iceberg. I agree with the other posters, get legal advice and get rid of him. I speak as one who has been there.