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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Police video interview done. What next?

66 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 17/09/2017 19:31

It lasted just over an hour. So many things rattling around in my head. What next? I slept in the nude because I expected my husband to have free access? I know well that he felt entitled to free access to my body, telling me I was His Wife. My anxiety levels have shot up.

OP posts:
Offred · 17/09/2017 19:38

Ah I am so glad for you that it is done. Flowers

You need to be kind to yourself now, the adrenaline and racing thoughts will be with you for a little while longer.

Sweet tea and a hot bath and some crappy TV are called for I think. Try to distract your mind.

mrsharrison · 17/09/2017 19:42

I went to bed in my underwear. In court his defence accused me of "trying to turn him on". It was MY bed, MY house! Please be prepared for lots of outrageous lies from him. Now you will have to wait to hear from police. The police believe you but don't let that lead to complacence - this is an awful thing to go through.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 17/09/2017 20:10

I finally read the letter from my husband's solicitor. It is factually incorrect. It was the day he raged, wished me dead, called me a cunt etc, and stormed out of the house into the wild blue yonder. The letter states that I was verbally abusing him and I kicked him in front of the chidren and made a thumbs up sign as though I had done a good thing. The children were at school. When they got home they asked where their dad was. I have never kicked my husband or anyone else.

I fear that there will be no evidence and it is only my word against his. I never saw my gp about being poked around my genitals in the night when I was sleeping.

OP posts:
Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 07:53

I keep thinking of the things I didn't say, like I always wore night clothes before I met him and I do now. I forgot to say he pretty much said no to condoms and when I said if we were serious it would be sensible to be tested for STDs. I got the tests done. He refused.

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 18/09/2017 08:00

This is such an awful thing for you to be going through.
It's normal to remember things gradually and even to have normalised things in your head so you think it's not a big deal. Every time you think of something new I would write it in a diary and when you're asked for this information you can tell them everything. I assume you have your own solicitor ? Talk to them about him lying in his statement and ask their advice Flowers

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 08:32

I had to engage my own solicitor because of the letter my husband had written to me through one. I will contact her today. It is not good taking valium. The sooner I can get this thing sorted the better.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 18/09/2017 08:55

Well done for doing it. I did mine back in January, I was made to feel that it was my fault for sleeping in the nude too, like it was a invite to help himself Sad. My case didn't get to court, I was told that only 10% do. I was told it was my word against his and there was no evidence to prove I wasn't lying.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 09:13

What happened to you, Lovemusic33? My husband had a solicitor write to me which is full of lies. It is simply untrue.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 18/09/2017 12:01

I pressed charges against my partner for 3 accounts of rape and 2 sexual assault. The police were really supportive but when I was interviewed I was made to feel like it was my fault because of what I was wearing or not wearing at the time of the incidents. Dp accused me of lying and wanting revenge, he told several lies in his statement. He said I had found out he had cheated and I wanted to get back at him. I had found out he had cheated but I found out as I was chucking him out after he had been abusive. He told the police that I had been cheating on him with one of my best friends (not true) and he denied laying a finger on me without concent, he even said to the police that he had a low sex drive and that I was the one who always initiated sex (more lies).

A few weeks after I was interviewed I was told my case would not go to court due to lack of evidence and no witnesses.

The police arrested him for harassment as he continued to contact me after being told not too. I have a restraining order against him for a year. He walks free to do this again to someone else and I'm still living with flash backs.

In a way I am glad I didn't have to go to court as I know it would have got very messy but I hate the fact he gets to carry on with his life.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 12:17

I expect my husband to lie through his teeth as well. I know that his solicitor's letter is full of fibs as the dates are on MN. They are also on police record if they look. I also fear my husband had me arrested under false pretences. So, if they decide to do nothing, it still looks as though I'm the baddie with the police caution.

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Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 12:19

I am sorry you've had to go through this.It is horrible. I hope you are getting adequate support.

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Lovemusic33 · 18/09/2017 12:28

Easy I just hope my reports are recorded somewhere if he does this again to someone else. I was offered support through the police and rape crisis but at the time I just wanted to draw a line under everything and forget it ever happened, not my best idea as you can only put it to the back of your mind for so long. My family were a huge support at the time but now it's something that's never mentioned, I suspect they think I make it up or that I'm over it. I'm petrified that he will turn up at my house when the injunction runs out.

Just remember that what ever happens, None of this was your fault, if he walks away from this it doesn't mean he's not guilty, it just means the system is messed up (and it is, hardly any rape cases end in a conviction).

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 15:06

Families are odd like that. After I had been treated for breast cancer most of them thought I was better after a few weeks.Hmm.
My husband believes he is perfect in every way. Anything, anything at all is someone else's fault. I am glad I am finally able to get divorced. I am sick to my back teeth of being blamed for everything and anything. I am sick of being used as the family punchbag. Before me it was one of the dogs.

OP posts:
XJerseyGirlX · 18/09/2017 15:12

OMG OP, stay strong. You are free of this man now. Who cares what people think and who believes what, you are free of him.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 15:31

If only XJerseyGirl. Still a way to go. Only just over the threshold. I don't know what to think. It's frustrating that although domestic abuse is supposed to be criminal the CPS can only prosecute particular crimes that are already on the statute books. Then they need evidence. I'm not sure what evidence they will be able to find that my husband is and always has been sexually creepy and sometimes plain horrible. I didn't kick him or run away screaming. I often lay there wondering what the hell to do. Was I supposed to be there or not? Like when someone is talking at you and your back is turned and you're not sure if you're supposed to respond or leave the room, especially when there is nothing to respond to.

OP posts:
Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 20:27

He wishes me harm. It is hell living at home. The children treat me like a punchball as well. My husband is lapping it up.

OP posts:
mrsharrison · 18/09/2017 22:15

Whatever happens, you have sent him a strong message that you are worth more. Don't ever forget that. You have given him the fright of his life. You stood up for yourself and you must take pride in your actions. You told the truth. He is a worm who knows he's a stinking rapist. Let him live with himself. You don't have to -the rubbish took itself out.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 18/09/2017 22:18

My husband has no idea that I have been to the police. I didn't tell him when I went in November, and nor did I tell him that I was making a statement in July, or that I was reporting him again at the weekend, or that I have made a video statement. I don't believe he knows.

OP posts:
mrsharrison · 18/09/2017 22:35

Easy has he moved out?

Lovemusic33 · 19/09/2017 07:52

If your still living with him you need to get out, contact woman's refuge for help. Your kids are acting the way they are because they are seeing him treat you like shit, they think because you let him get away with it then they can do it too, by staying you are setting a bad example to them, they will continue to think that it's ok for someone to do this to another person, you need to show them that it's not ok. please take the kids and leave, show them that this isn't ok.

Offred · 19/09/2017 08:10

He will find out. He'll probably be invited in for an interview under caution where he will be arrested. When this happens you would do well to get straight on to NCDV and get civil orders (occupation and non molestation) in place and he will probably be bailed (police bail) with a warning to stay away from you.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 19/09/2017 08:29

He will be arrested? I have not been told this. I am under the belief that he will carry on in his merry way.

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Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 19/09/2017 08:37

My feelings of anxiety are awful. I feel sick, really physically sick.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 19/09/2017 08:41

What did you think would happen? Why give a police interview if you don't want something done about it? The police will ask you if you want to press charges, even if you say 'no' there's a chance he will still be arrested and questioned.

You need to seek help, the police should have given you a phone number to get advice?

Lovemusic33 · 19/09/2017 08:46

Also be aware that you need to protect your children. SS could become involved and they will want to see that you are protecting them by not staying in a violent/abusive relationship. By staying with this man you are putting your children and risk (mentally and possible physically), I don't mean to sound harsh but I'm telling you how it is, I was told if I took my ex back SS would become involved. If you continue to live with this man and not press charges the police won't be able to do much, how can they help when you continue your relationship with this man? Your putting yourself at risk by staying with him. Leave and leave as soon as possible, protect yourself and your dc's.

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