Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I ask where I stand?

30 replies

teaandcakeat8 · 20/08/2017 19:34

I met a guy online. We've seen each other four times:

1 - drinks at a local bar
2 - drinks then back to his where we had dinner with his housemate
3 - he came over late and we had sex then he left

I was supposed to go out with him Friday night but I had a migraine so had to cancel.

4 - I've just seen him this afternoon. I literally went over for a few hours but we ended up having sex a lot.

I wasn't sure about him at first but now I like him. Should I carry on like this or ask for clarification over where he sees it going? I feel like four times is perhaps too soon but at the same time I don't want to waste time.

So should I find out where I stand or go with it a little longer?

OP posts:
Rubyrose26 · 20/08/2017 19:37

I wouldn't ask just yet. I would focus more on going out together and getting to know one another.....try not to just meet up for sex or you'll end up Fwb, I've been there!

ppandj · 20/08/2017 19:40

I agree with rubyrose. I probably wouldn't ask just yet but if you can try to engineer a few more dates to get to know eachother you might get a vibe off him anyway. Good luck!

RaininSummer · 20/08/2017 19:53

It sounds like you haven't been out together much but there has been a fair bit of sex. I think if the next 'date' is another meet n shag I would ask some questions.

TheNaze73 · 20/08/2017 19:57

What exactly do you want clarification on?? I'm confused

Original poster
teaandcakeat8 · 20/08/2017 20:04

I want to know if I should ask where he sees it going or if I should wait and see him a bit longer...

OP posts:
JK1773 · 20/08/2017 20:06

No no no, it's far too soon for conversations like that. I think it would come across as a bit needy. Just relax and concentrate on your next date for now

garmsfresh · 20/08/2017 20:13

Don't ask him that ! But be aware he now probably thinks your DTF.And may not put that much effort in.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2017 20:22

Yeah it's too soon to have that conversation

Just let it progress naturally

TheNaze73 · 20/08/2017 20:34

I'm with you now OP.

My answer is God no! After 4 dates, if most people were asked that, they'd run a mile.

Don't ask yet. Maybe in 6 months

user1493413286 · 20/08/2017 20:34

I'd let it progress naturally rather than start a conversation at this early stage but not so much with just seeing him for sex (obviously nothing wrong with that) but I've been in situations where it's then just been about that rather than progressing anywhere and then been disappointed. I'd make suggestions to go out places/dinner etc.

LesisMiserable · 20/08/2017 20:38

Where do you see it going?

Original poster
teaandcakeat8 · 20/08/2017 20:52

I like him and I don't want it to be just sex.

Perhaps I'll just delete his number and see if he then gets in touch.

He is very vey busy so I get he's been fitting me in at odd times e.g. late evenings - but I still would like it to go somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandcakeat8 · 20/08/2017 20:55

I've wasted time and effort in these situations before and it's ended up just sex and I wonder if I'm better off finding out his intentions earlier on..

OP posts:
whatisgoingon1 · 20/08/2017 20:58

In my experience if you need to ask where you stand,it's going nowhere

SparklingRaspberry · 20/08/2017 21:02

Don't delete his number. Don't play games guessing how he's feeling.

Next time he wants you to go over say you'd rather do something together outside the bedroom. If he cancels or comes up with excuses you have your answer

Melabela10 · 20/08/2017 21:15

How old are you and your date OP?

I agree with PPs, there is no need to have any talks and let the things progress naturally. You will feel when it gets serious but you need to allow some time.

Naturally all relationship start with psychal attraction and sex and then as they progress people get to know each other better and let it grow into something more serious.

user1493413286 · 20/08/2017 21:18

I'm with you on the not wasting time but if it is just sex he wants it's unlikely he'll tell you that but you will see it in his actions.
I think it's too early to judge now tho.

Mushroomburger17 · 20/08/2017 21:21

Make sure you go out for dates. See if he'll make the effort to do this.

lampshady · 20/08/2017 21:28

Going against the grain - I only sleep with one person at a time (but happy to date a few) so I'd want to know if he was sleeping with other people, or to ask him to let me know if he wanted to so I could stop sleeping with him. No issue at that early stage if they do want to sleep with others, it's just not my personal preference to have sex with someone who's having sex with other women.

It wouldn't be an exclusivity chat, more for my sexual health.

user1488575338 · 20/08/2017 21:28

Let him wine and dine you, popping over for a shag and leaving afterwards isn't dating. It's convenient sex.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/08/2017 21:29

Sounds like booty calls to me. If you want it to be a relationship, then make dates where sex isn't always involved, and where he's made some effort to spend time with you doing something nice.
If he's keen, he will make an effort, despite working late etc, but if you just accept him turning up at midnight for a shag, then that's what he'll keep doing. No problem if you're happy with that, but if you're not, now would be a good time to start setting boundaries.

lookatyourwatchnow · 20/08/2017 21:35

Sorry OP, I'm another one raining on your parade. He isn't dating you, he's having casual sex at his convenience with you. If that had been what you wanted too, fine, but it isn't.

Original poster
teaandcakeat8 · 20/08/2017 21:37

He isn't sleeping with anyone else and he's happy to be on his phone etc in front of me (suggests there are no other girls).

We were supposed to be on a date Friday but I had to cancel, I've just asked if he wants to get dinner this week so will see if he responds.

I'm 28 and he is 31.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 20/08/2017 21:42

Well 3 and 4 were just booty calls.
Fine if you're happy with that, but I don't think you are.

Interested that you weren't sure about him but now you like him. Which sounds like the 2 dates that you spent actual TIME together - you weren't sure. Then after the fuck and go on date 3 you decide you like him. Could just be oxytocin and bonding because of the sex! I'd have a good think about why you weren't sure about him to start with.

Btw - no judgment on fuck and go, if it suits you. But I am Hmm that he came over late and then didn't stay, the first time you had sex.

Original poster
teaandcakeat8 · 20/08/2017 21:50

Sorry that wasn't the first time, we had sex on the second date and he stayed over.

I didn't think I fancied him but I guess I changed my mind. It does take me a while to get that with people. Also we've had some good conversations, albeit in the bedroom...

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread