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Original poster

Can you find true love when you meet on a cheat?

49 replies

Happyeverafter73 · 27/07/2017 00:54

My best friend met her husband when she was in a relationship. Not a long term serious one but definitely more than just dating.

2 years later and they're getting divorced. Husband is citing the way they got together as the reason he never truly trusted her. He says he wants to start again with someone who would never cheat.

She is heartbroken as she does truly love him. And is beating herself up that she didn't end the relationship she was in before getting involved with STBXH.

I am so sad for her as she is inconsolable right now. Frankly I think she's well rid of such an intolerant man but obviously right now she's not seeing that.

But it got me thinking. Can a relationship that began with a cheat ever lead to true love? Or is it doomed from the start?

OP posts:
debbs77 · 27/07/2017 01:00

I've never cheated but been cheated on. They are married now with a son and have been together 7 years. But they have huge problems. Can you ever trust a cheat? And can he have respect for her, knowing she would do ANYTHING to get what she set her sights on? (My husband).

My Dad married his affair. Last five years.

However I have friends that did it the eight way. Realised feelings were potentially developing while they worked together and before ANYTHING happened between them, they left their husband/wife. They're together 15 years on and truly happy, with no guilt and no regret

MeanAger · 27/07/2017 01:03

My best friend's relationship began while her now husband was still with his previous girlfriend of 2 years. They were teens (19) and the girlfriend lived in another country so I think they kind of decided it wasn't really cheating somehow. Not exactly sure tbh. I was a bit shocked at the time as my friend has/had pretty definite ideas about morals. I know they didn't have sex until well after he had finished with his girlfriend and I know he finished with her pretty soon after he got with my friend. (Days I think) they've been married for 9 years now and together for almost 12. I have to say they are probably the best matched couple I know and there is no silliness with jealousy or throwing the past back in anyone's face. I would be amazed if they were to split up, especially over lack of trust.

Josuk · 27/07/2017 01:06

Her H is being horrible and unfair.
He chased her, she wasn't available, and that might have been a thrill for him back then. And he chose to marry her.
So, I think, most likely, he has another woman he is interested in himself. Best defence is, often, an offence.

Support your friend, give her a shoulder to cry on. Eventually she'll see that he is not worth it.

As to your question - who knows. Life, love is complicated. And relationships are difficult, and many don't lead to happiness or don't work out. Not sure whether it matters much how they begin.
Statistically 2nd marriages are more likely to end in divorces - not all happen due to cheating, of course. But I think that is more because having been through divorce once - people are not as scared. And also - a lot less willing to be unhappy in a relationship.

Luncharmstrong · 27/07/2017 01:14

Well yes of course it can work out but it's not a great start or to be recommended.

Original poster
Happyeverafter73 · 27/07/2017 03:26

Her H is being horrible and unfair.

Completely agree.

But I do remember her being a bit dishonest with her then boyfriend, reassuring him that there was nothing to worry about with now husband. Was it dishonesty though or was she just young and confused ? I don't know. But she is heartbroken now and it's very sad.

OP posts:
inspiredbutohsotired · 27/07/2017 03:31

I met DP when I was still with my ex. I didn't cheat on my ex necessarily, but did have a lot of feelings for the new guy (now DP) and we talked a lot. I broke things off with my ex of 3 years, who up to that point had been convinced I was going to marry and be with forever. DP and I got together immediately afterwards and it wasn't that hugely romantic type of love, more warm and comforting and just 'right'. I absolutely believe he is 'the one' if that exists, we've got a house and a baby due (next week!) And couldn't be happier.

Sometimes you have to just jump.

FritzDonovan · 27/07/2017 04:04

But I do remember her being a bit dishonest with her then boyfriend, reassuring him that there was nothing to worry about with now husband. Was it dishonesty though or was she just young and confused ?
You really need to ask? She lied. It was dishonest. Can't say I'm surprised stbxh has his doubts. Looks like the cheating ended badly for all involved.

offside · 27/07/2017 07:06

Josuk Where does the OP say the DH chased his now DW? Have I missed that bit? That's just an assumption as far as I can tell!

One of my friends cheated on his ex with a woman (no further than a drunken snog). They got together after he split with his ex but the woman cheated on him numerous times and now he's married to someone else but has serious trust issues.

I would be very surprised if he cheated again (can never say never!) but he definitely isn't the same young naive lad he was back then. So I do think people can regret actions which ultimately mould them into a particular person, particularly if this behaviour has been at a time of growth and uncertainty. I dont think a mistake like your friend's or my friend's defines them as a person.

Dawnedlightly · 27/07/2017 07:08

Angel Clare Hmm

greendale17 · 27/07/2017 07:11

What goes around comes around

LittleCandle · 27/07/2017 07:36

If you - or your partner - is willing to cheat on someone they supposedly love, why do you then think they would not be willing to cheat on you, too?

Perhaps there might be an excuse for youth, but I don't think so. If you are looking elsewhere when with someone, then you aren't ready for any kind of commitment, so don't make one. Stay footloose and fancy free, and don't make promises you can't keep. My XH cheated on me, and I would never trust anyone again.

crazyhead · 27/07/2017 07:51

Life's complex - plus there's a big difference between cheating in fairly casual relationship when you are young and a cheating in a marriage with kids. So of course it can - people change and grow up.

Your friend's h sounds like a pompous fool - completely unable to take responsibility for wanting out so blaming it on your friend. He went ahead at the time and got married - if he didn't trust her at that stage his own moral integrity hardly gives him licence to be preaching from the pulpit now!

Suzietwo · 27/07/2017 08:00

I was married to someone else when I met my partner. We've now been together 9 years and have 4 kids...

Suzietwo · 27/07/2017 08:00

And I totally 'cheated'

Underthemoonlight · 27/07/2017 08:04

Maybe now your friend will realise just how horrid she treated her ex and her dh ex. Sorry but it's just karma you start how you mean to go on and by he looks of it he's checked out.

LellyMcKelly · 27/07/2017 08:05

He's just using it as an excuse. It clearly didn't bother him at the time.

jeaux90 · 27/07/2017 08:12

No such thing as karma. He's an asshole and using it as an excuse.

There is never black and white rules to this in my opinion.

RainyApril · 27/07/2017 08:12

I never understand how someone can be attracted to a person capable of cheating, when the only thing you know for certain about their character is that they're capable of lying convincingly, betraying someone they once loved and looking elsewhere when the shine wears off.

Mileymoocow · 27/07/2017 10:18

As my mother always said - "if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you."

Ironic, really, considering she cheated on my dad with her partner. They've been together 9 years now and they don't trust each other.

SnickersWasAHorse · 27/07/2017 10:21

I cheated on my then partner with my now husband. We've been married for 15 years.

AudacityJones · 27/07/2017 10:24

"When a man marries his mistress, he merely creates a job opening".

I think cheating / lying to someone you're supposedly intimate with is a massive betrayal. Perhaps initially that betrayal will feel romantic to the OW/OM... but once you're in a more settled comfortable everyday phase of a relationship it can lead to niggling worries.

I once came very close to cheating on a long distance boyfriend. It was just a massive wake up call for me that the LDR was all wrong. Broke up with boyfriend, had a fling with potential cheating partner (but realised I couldn't respect someone who'd try to hit it off with someone in a relationship either). Not my proudest moment but in my defence I was 21.

Have been cheated on by a long-term boyfriend in my mid twenties. They lasted about 2 years but then broke up. Not because of the way they got together - but perhaps the excitement of "cheating" blinded them to more obvious problems in their relationship that they eventually needed to face up to.

Original poster
Happyeverafter73 · 27/07/2017 11:01

Can you love someone but not trust them?

They seemed so in love but she has since told me that every time they argued he'd bring up that he didn't trust her.

Relationships are so complicated

OP posts:
PittTheMiddleOneNoOneMentions · 27/07/2017 12:10

Your friends H sounds like a lot of rubbishy excuse to me.

Bit of projection I'd say. I wager you that he's having an affair. You heard it here first.

Come back and let us know when the truth all comes out so I can have the "I told you so" satisfaction!!! :)

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 12:12

Play with fire, you get burned

He is a fucking hypocrite though, isn't he

Brahms3rdracket · 27/07/2017 13:23

I met my dp whilst living with my ex. I ended things with ex as soon as it was definite that we were falling for each other and haven't looked back in our 23 years together. My dp said it worried him a little at first, but knows our relationship is different to that with ex and the trust is certainly there.

Your friends dh is a hypocrite who I suspect is looking for an excuse to end the marriage.

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