Can you find true love when you meet on a cheat?

[Happyeverafter73]

My best friend met her husband when she was in a relationship. Not a long term serious one but definitely more than just dating.

2 years later and they're getting divorced. Husband is citing the way they got together as the reason he never truly trusted her. He says he wants to start again with someone who would never cheat.

She is heartbroken as she does truly love him. And is beating herself up that she didn't end the relationship she was in before getting involved with STBXH.

I am so sad for her as she is inconsolable right now. Frankly I think she's well rid of such an intolerant man but obviously right now she's not seeing that.

But it got me thinking. Can a relationship that began with a cheat ever lead to true love? Or is it doomed from the start?

He is a hypocrite I couldn't agree more. I distinctly remember him saying that all was fair in love and war and that pursuing someone was fair game as long for as long as they weren't married.

As far as I know he's not having an affair and is extremely judgmental of anyone who cheats within a marriage.

I know it goes very much against the MN orthodoxy but sometimes relationships borne out of affairs do stay the distance. I am the product of a relationship which began as an affair and morphed into a 45-year happy marriage.

It definitely isn't a good start to a relationship, the risks are high and its likely to lead to trust issues. But the idea that any relationship that begins with cheating is automatically doomed is wishful thinking by people with skewed perspectives and personal agendas.

The reality is that some relationships do develop when one or both partners are in existing relationships. Cheating is shit for all concerned, has massive implications for partners and children and generally is to be avoided at all costs.

But I think we ought to be a bit more honest on this board about it -- sometimes it does work.

I cheated on dh1 with dh2. I loathed every moment of the short time I was cheating but believed I 'had' to be with dh2. 10 years,2 kids later and 18.months after we married he fucked off with ow who he is marrying next week. The first thing he said to me after I caught his cheating was that he couldn't trust me as far as he could throw me because of how we met. Attack the best form of defence for sure. He also falsely accused me of cheating on him and used it to justify to whoever would listen the breakup of his family. I have no idea if his new marriage will last but certain things that have happened in the last year or so leads me to believe she is deeply insecure about him, can't tolerate him being anywhere near me even if it would hugely benefit the kids and he is kept on a pretty short leash. Maybe I'm wrong but it can't bode well

Can you love someone but not trust them?
Yes you can. Maybe he thought their relationship was better than her previous one, but couldn't get over her being deceptive at heart. There are plenty of threads on here in which women love their DP and want to continue to give it a go after he's found to have been cheating, but just can't get over it. Maybe that's what the guy here has found. He's vocal about being against cheating because that's what he hopes she also feels, but can't actually overlook the fact that she is easily capable of cheating and lying, and fears it may happen to him. I don't think that makes him a hypocrite.

So, I think, most likely, he has another woman he is interested in himself. Best defence is, often, an offence.

Could be this ^^

I guess he saw how easily she deceived her Ex and realises she's capable of doing the same to him, but why did he marry her if he felt that way.

Trust is crucial to love. You can't truely love, without trust. So no, cheating never ends well.

I think as shitty as cheating is for the.betrayed, monogamy and being with one person for your whole adult life isn't how we are hard wired to be.

Of course this means it's likely to happen again and again.

Maybe if you change as a person it might be different.

Affairs often start as sex and sex is as much as we hate to admit it, hard wired into us to want variety. Then of course it often fools out rational brains into having feelings for said person which leads to a relationship and then, the same happening again.

our

DH and I were both married when we got together, having known each other for a few years before that. I asked ex-DH for a divorce 6 weeks later, DH left his ex-W about three months later. 12 years on, still very happy together and even though he travels regularly for work, I trust him completely.

Can you love someone but not trust them?
Unfortunately I think you can. I had a boyfriend who cheated when we'd only been together a few months (drunken one off, i wouldn't have known if he hadn't confessed...).
We split up, but after a few months got back together. I never stopped loving him, but couldn't trust him (he was quite private, and often disappeared for days, so that didn't help...). We limped on for years, but I never fully trusted him, tho I wanted to, and loved him dearly (tho didn't always like him..).
He eventually became so distant that it had to end (and tho he said there was no one else - I later happened to see photos of him and my successor hand in hand, doing coupley things...which were taken at an event a few months before we split...I wasn't even surprised :-( ).
Am with someone much nicer now, and have no trouble trusting him, so wasn't a general trust problem - it just seems once someone has cheated there's no real reason to believe they won't again..

*I think as shitty as cheating is for the.betrayed, monogamy and being with one person for your whole adult life isn't how we are hard wired to be.

Of course this means it's likely to happen again and again.*
You make cheating sound inevitable! There's always an alternative - sort out relationship to stop yourself yearning for something new, or end relationship, BEFORE starting anything else.
Simples. May not be easy or as much fun, to take the high ground, but theres no reason to cheat.

Oh yes I agree Egg but I'm saying that as monogamy isn't completely natural we have to use our heads to not let ourselves get into a situation that could pose itself. Obviously anyone truly happy will just have a fleeting thought of 'he/she is hot!' And that's it.
But some aren't always happy.
Some aren't always honest.
Some are vengeful.
Some are just entitled shits.
Whichever way it is - if you do cheat you are willingly accepting any criticism and vitriol that you get.

I'm saying that as monogamy isn't completely natural
Genuinely curious as to where this idea comes from. Some birds/fish/mammals etc have been shown to pair bond for life and are classed as 'monogamous'. Is it just that (some) humans show an inclination to stray because they are hard-wired to be selfish in their quest to please themselves? Plenty of people 'pair bond' for life without chasing after anyone else. So is monogamy actually unnatural for humans?

He's a massive hypocrite.

I don't condone cheating whatsoever, but there are times it does work out for the best. My dad married his affair, they're still together 10 years later and are far happier than him and my mum ever were.

I know a few married couples who got together via an affair. One elderly couple has been together for 35ish years - they're my primary school friend's mum and stepdad. However, I know lots of such couples who've split up. It's not the best start, let's face it. All so exciting, sexy and forbidden at the beginning, but then real life sets in, as do the doubts.

What is "true love" though?

Can you have huge, overpowering feelings of attachment to a person you cheated with? Of course. In fact your feelings might be even stronger due to the strong bonding that occurs when you perceive yourself as being united against the world, star crossed lovers, etc.

People who say you can't love unless you trust - that's a different definition of "true love" that usually has more to do with the standards you set around which strong attachments you pursue and which ones you don't.

My ex never trusted me (not an affair rs, to be clear), but was absolutely mad about me to the point of obsession and control. He had VERY strong feelings for me. And in fact I think it was his lack of trust that kept him hooked on me, always wanting to be closer and closer. Conversely, I knew he didn't respect me or think I was a good person, but that created a sick bond where I was constantly trying to prove to him that I was a good person.

People often make the error of thinking that strong feelings of love = a relationship that ought to last, be extremely fulfilling or affirming, or be "fought for". The unsettling truth is that human attachment - what we call love - is not designed to make human beings happy. It's designed to keep them paired up so that they won't get eaten by leopards in the primordial jungle. In many cases, it's the relationships that are the most miserable, untrusting and abusive that have the strongest bonds and are the most difficult to walk away from...

NotAnotherNoughties I agree with you, unfortunately, that for probably a majority of people, monogamy for life isn't the natural state. Not that it doesn't or can't happen. A very few lucky people stay in love and faithful for decades-long marriages. A much larger group stay faithful although struggling with passing sexual interest in others. Another group cheat.

I think there are people for whom the love and respect in the other partner trumps the desire to look elsewhere and they nobly keep a lid on their sexual urges to look elsewhere. And good on them.

But I think the orthodoxy that we've been fed -- that most people fall in love with someone else when they are young and remain effortlessly faithful to them for the rest of their life is a myth. For the overwhelming majority this is difficult and for a significant proportion of these it isn't even desirable for them to stay together.

Of course its painful when someone you love and trust falls out of love with you, let alone cheats on you. But, as a society, if we were able to be more honest about the difficulties of remaining sexually and emotionally faithful to one person over decades we would go some way towards mitigating the pain and disappointment that ensues when a proportion of marriages inevitably does break down. In a lot of cases, lifelong fidelity is unrealistic and ultimately not in the interests of the people who have agreed to abide by it.

But, as a society, if we were able to be more honest about the difficulties of remaining sexually and emotionally faithful to one person over decades we would go some way towards mitigating the pain and disappointment that ensues when a proportion of marriages inevitably does break down
So we accept that a lot of ppl are going to cheat because it's difficult to stay faithful. I think a lot of ppl on here know that. Still doesn't make anything easier when the cheat keeps it secret so they don't give up the ease of the useful family facilitating partner (generally) at home. Or everyone around them who knew but didn't want to tell because it 'wasnt their place to tell', or whatever. I think it's not so much being honest about the difficulties of remaining faithful so much as being honest about your own and others dishonest behaviour. Sadly, judging by the threads around at the moment, there's not too much of that in evidence in these situations.

I met my now husband at work six weeks after marrying someone else. He wasn't married but lived with his partner. We knew straight away we wanted to be together, came v close to physical infidelity but pulled back. Emotional cheating, I can't deny though.

We cut contact to give my marriage + his relationship a go. Marriage broke down after several years, and a mutual friend told him I was divorced.

He phoned me, we met up and that was that. He left his partner immediately, and we have been together now for 22 years, married for 10. We have no suspicions, no issues and are very happy. So, yes it can work. :)

He phoned me, we met up and that was that. He left his partner immediately, and we have been together now for 22 years, married for 10. We have no suspicions, no issues and are very happy. So, yes it can work.
Poor partner of his though, who he stayed with for years, knowing that he'd be off like a shot given the chance.

I dont know that she did know that.
No reason to suppose it, although obviously I wasn't privy to their day to day life ,+ ups + downs before we became a couple :)

I have a good friend who met he dh when he was a married father.
They are still happily married over 20 years later so yes it can happen.

I have a good friend who met he dh when he was a married father.
They are still happily married over 20 years later so yes it can happen.

I don't think it is ever that simple

I don't condone cheating in general but I do also think it takes two to tango ....yes the main fault lies with the person in a relationship but if the other party knew they were attached they can't claim innocence and betrayal after the fact....they made a choice too

He has no right and frankly I'd consider it an excuse if he felt like that he shouldn't have married her

I doubt many people go into a relationship planning to cheat and some people do it because they are asses some people do it because life doesn't work the way they expected doesn't make it right

But there's culpability if you know your partner is attached either accept it or walk away don't punish them after